|
Having doubts with my first real boyfriend..
21 female. Ben -18
I've known Ben for about 8 years, but we haven't always been close. We recently started dating. He's not the type of guy I usually go for. I usually go for the college hockey boys -the ones all the girls want. But after the past 3, things clearly haven't been working out with those type of boys.
Now that I'm with Ben he treats me so unbelievably good. He would honestly do anything for me. I'm so comfortable with him, I've never been as comfortable with anyone else. My family likes him. I couldn't ask for a better boyfriend. But, I still keep thinking about wanting someone better. Yes, I'm crazy!! How could I find anyone better than Ben? I'm still wanting those hockey boys. I'm attracted to them, I find them sexy. Ben is cute and I'm a little bit attracted to him but it's not as strong as an attraction as hockey boys.
I tell Ben I have doubts because we're so different and he's not usually the type I go for. He gets really sad when I talk about it, because it would break his heart if we ever ended our relationship. He tells me to just give it a try, and that is what I will do but I am just so confused :(
I know I will not find a boy that treats me as good as Ben does. I keep telling myself that as the years go on, and I get older, the popular college hockey boys won't matter anymore because they will just be regular people too. They won't be the "stars" which is why I think I want them so bad. I have to remind myself that it's all about how a man treats me and if he treats me good and Ben does. My head is in a million different places. Ben is my first real boyfriend, all the other hockey boys I've just had "things" with, and they didn't last very long. Maybe I'm just not used to having a boyfriend. I'm a big flirt, so maybe I miss that!? I would never cheat on Ben though, I wouldn't do anything to hurt him. I don't why I keep doubting myself with Ben.
Please any guidance, advice, ANYTHING is appreciated!!
[ ]
Want to answer more questions in the Relationships category?
Maybe give some free advice about: Love Life?
Your brain will continue to develop until about age 25-26. So you are still in the exploratory phase of your life and if you don't do that exploration, which will not only help you know what it is you REALLY want in a mate, but will expose you to all kinds of people that will help you gain life experience and a mature outlook on life, you will regret it. Both of you, especially him, are too young to get tied down. Explain all this to him and you can either have an open relationship where you are still boyfriend-girlfriend but are allowed to see other people, or you can break up and perhaps at a future date, if Ben is really what you want, you can always reunite.
And on the latter point, cheating on him will preclude the possibility of a future reunion because of the humiliation involved in being a guy and having your girlfriend screwing someone else. So better to resolve this like rational adults rather then try to sneak around.
]
You and Ben are young enough that you can both wait awhile and let both of mature and grow it into your relationship. This has nothing to do with your ages. Maturity comes with time not chronological age.
What you are missing here is the fact that these hockey stars are all dreamers. They all think that some day they will play in the NHL. Fact is less than 1% of them will actually reach the NHL and become a star. Some much can happen to them to ruin their chances and then they have nothing to fall back on as everything they had went into playing Hockey.
What I see in what your saying is: That you too are looking at the life of a Super Star hockey players wife. You are maybe not consciously looking for but you are seeing in them the glory and riches that come with being a Super Star Hockey player. You are not seeing the self absorption of the player. How absent the player is during a very long season. How quickly the players playing life can end.
In Ben you have someone you can possible make a family with. Someone that once he finishes College will secure a job that will secure an on going income. With Ben there is security. That is not what you are seeing.
]
I understand how you feel, I always go for the gangster boys myself but as you said I know they don't usually work out so I'm really quite careful.
If this is your first boyfriend there is a chance you are missing the desire to flirt and look, and it is really natural to look at other people and like what you see, human nature dictates we always want the best mate we can get, so right now, hockey boys with the strong bodies make our human instincts want them simply for the "hunter" advantages. Still you don't have to ACT on this, chances are Ben has seen girls here and there and at least thought "she's attractive" so don't feel too guilty about that.
Plus being different makes no difference at all really, variety is the spice of life after all. It would grow annoying if you never had your own things to do and you'd get tired very quickly of the relationship. Perhaps he is just too different to what you were expecting if all previous experiences have been with men who had women throwing themselves all over them, that can cause a bit of confusion as you will always be waiting for the same patterns to emerge but they never do.
Ben asked you to give him a chance and you can only give him a chance if you see him for him and not who he isn't, if he is sweeter and kinder than the other guys why would you say that's a negative, he's probably less likely to cheat on you and more likely to do what he can to make you happy.
However, if after a few months you genuinely can't find yourself feeling genuinely attracted you both owe it to each other to find the people right for you. but give him a chance he clearly loves you and I believe you care about him too, you just need to try and get over the pattern you followed before and let him prove his worth to you :) good luck
x
]
Your playing mind games, Decide what you want and settle it.
If Ben treats you well, Your family approves of him then why would you even think for one minute of letting him go? Imagine if one of these hockey boys were dating you and they just told you they felt you were too different for them. Telling Ben that the relationship isn't going to work out because you feel that you are attracted to a certain type is only going to hurt his ego, crush him and push him away. Opposites attract, Sometimes love comes in all sort of packages and it isn't always what we thought of. If you are happy, Then worry about you and Ben. A relationship should be about nobody but the person you are with. If you aren't happy and you really don't feel Ben is the one for you then let him go but keep telling him the relationship possibly won't work out is wrong. It's misleading and it hurts, So make sure you know what you want before you go and dump him. I will honestly say though I think it's shallow of someone to dump someone because they don't meet your expectations everyone is different and different isn't always a bad thing. I'm not trying to offend you, That is just my personal per say.
]
More Questions: |