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Child abuse?
In the last six years my mother remarried. He's from Sudan. In my opinion he's a crap husband; he's never there, he makes no effort to be a good husband or a step dad and I dont particularly like him. I think she married a dead beat. But thats okay. Its her choice, not mine.
They have two young children. It's the eldest I'm most concerned about. He lacks discipline. He messes around, takes tantrums and doest eat his meals. My step dad will often shout at him or smack him, and while i don't approve of such outdated parenting techniques, it's not against the law to smack your kid.
Today I visited for dinner and as usual he was messing around at the table. My brother spat out his food apparently and my step dad just snapped. He started shouting and slapped him in the face - though not a huge adult slap - and grabbed his cheek and started twisting it. All the while my brother is screaming and crying in both pain and fear. My mum came through from the kitchen and he grabbed my brother by the arm and took him to his room and shut him in. I shouted at my mother that i'd call social services and my sister shouted at him, saying he went too far.
For the next few hours my brother kept calling my step dad a 'bad guy'.I've seen my step dad before really nipping him for no reason, pushing him, smacking him too hard etc.
Before I left my step dad apologised to my brother, hugged him and told him he loved him. My brother is not introverted, he doesnt show any signs of fear from my step dad unless he's angry and is generally outgoing, if a little shy. He doesnt have the behaviour of an abused child and loves his dad it seems.
Im at a loss. I am heart broken and livid that my brother was so afraid of his father and I've seen my step dad act inappropriately towards my brother before, just not as bad as this.
My sister has since texted me telling me my mother told him that if he does it again he's out the door but im still concerned.
Does this constitute of physical child abuse? Should I go to social services because of it? I have no idea what to do. My father dismisses it as a cultural thing; he was regularly beaten with bamboo as a disciplinary action by his father (though his father was a drunk and they lived in poverty in hong kong). As does my step mother dismiss it. But they werent there and they didnt see the fear. Perhaps my step dad is parenting the only way he knows?
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There is a fine line between discipline and abuse. Your step-father crossed it when he slapped your brother across the face. An appropriate spanking, on a child's buttocks, is discipline. Smacking about the body and head open handed or closed fist-ed is generally considered to be child abuse.
Your brother does fit the behavior of an abused child. Abused children generally love and look to please their abuser. As the eldest child you have a moral right to protect your younger siblings. You are to be commended for wanting to step in and do so.
You can one of two things. You can go to Social Services and file a report of child abuse. They will follow procedure and follow up on your report. The other thing you can do is file a police report along with your sister attesting to the facts of what you saw. The police will then investigate and take appropriate action.
The action by the police will most likely be much faster and probably result in your step-father being removed from the home. This to me is better than waiting for something to happen again and waiting to see if your mother follows through with her threat to kick him out. The police will of course all so request a social service intervention and investigation.
As the oldest child your job here is to protect your younger brothers and sister who may still be living at home. The outcome of what needs to be done may not be to you greatest liking, but it will be what is best for your younger brothers and sisters and that is what is important. If they are too young to protect themselves them someone like and older sibling needs to be the protector. For the next time you step-father hits your brother the outcome could be far worse then the last time.
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First, I would like to commend you because I can see you are not flying off the handle, or making wild accusations. You are being very reasonable, trying to see both sides, and your heart and mind are in the right place...what's best for the children in the family. If you feel the need to go to social services, I would urge you to follow your gut.
That being said; from what you have described I do not think social services will find a basis for abuse or neglect, and if your parents suspect you are the one who called, it may alienate you from the family and leave your younger siblings without your support.
If I were you, at this point, I would look for other ways to encourage your stepfather to learn new forms of discipline and bond with his children on a different level. Boyscouts, the YMCA, or some other program that the two can do together, perhaps. It seems like your stepfather's heart is in the right place, but old patterns are extremely hard to break, and he just may need to learn new discipline tools. Another thing I would try is speaking to him alone about it during a calm moment. The reason I say "alone" is because (a) if it is only the two of you in the conversation, you will have his undivided attention (b) your mom may get defensive and it will be a case of two against you, and (3) he won't get embarrassed or defensive because someone else is listening. If you don't feel as if you can have a reasonable give-and-take conversation with this man, write your feelings in a letter. Voice your opinion, remembering to temper it with compliments on the things he does with the kids that you do like, and be gentle with the insults. yOu might want to do some research on the negative effects of spanking vs. other forms of punishment, etc.
But, like I said before, you seem like an incredibly reasonable person, and you know this situation better than anyone else. Go with your gut.
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Does it constitute child abuse?
Mostly likely.
Should you contact social services?
Probably, but that is a very personal choice and there is a lot to consider.
It's important to remember that Child Services don't WANT to take people's kids away. They don't get a kick out it or have quota to meet. The less kids they remove from family homes, the better they are doing their jobs. They WANT parents to change inappropriate behaviour. It's possible that having contact with Child Services will help your step father control his inappropriate outbursts, see them from the problem they are, and get some new parenting tools.
It's always incredible stressful to have social services visit your home. My mother fostered so we have them in on a regular basis, and it's ALWAYS stressful, even when everyone knows you are on their side. They are reaching into very private parts of a family's life - for good reason - but that is what happens. If you file a complaint, even anonymously, it will probably result in a home visit.
So what should you do? Perhaps rather than filing a complaint, you give the services in your area a call and say "Look, he's probably not breaking the law, but I think he's a good place right now for me to recommend a class or a resource to help him make better choices. Can you recommend anything to me that I can pass on to him and my mother that might help him be a more effective parent?"
With your mother’s frustration and your step father’s at least somewhat realization that this isn’t the best way to behave, you may decide it’s - rather than threatening them with a call to social services - to tell them something like “Look, I love my family but you have a problem you need to solve. I didn’t give any names or make a complaint, but I got this information for you on books and/or courses I really think you should look into. I don’t want to have to get social services involved, but I will if I think you’ve crossed the line. So please, I just want us all to be happier and healthier. Give it a try.”
It may be the only ways he knows - but that just means he has a responsibility to learn.
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Yes it does classify as child abuse, Smacking your children to the point where they are terrified is child abuse. Shouting can also fall under the category of emotional abuse as well. Children should have discipline don't get me wrong but there is a fine line between punishing a child properly then scaring them out of there wits. Now your father may classify this as a cultural thing but it is NOT normal way to treat a child. If the child seems to be in harms way (He is by what you've posted) Then I would call the child services and let them be aware of what is going on. Yes absolutely, This is about the safety of a child.
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