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considered some type of abuse?
my bf and i are a very happy couple. however, on the occasions that we do fight, his anger gets awful. when we first started dating, it wasn't that bad (he'd yell and things like that). over time, it's gotten worse (punching walls, calling me names). he's never hit me, but today we got into a fight and i admit (i smacked him and things, but i only do that if i felt like he was crossing the line). and although i'm wrong for doing it, he called me things like the 'b word', and he even shoved me violently and pinned me down on the bed to get in my face. also, he threw something at me. every time we reconcile, he keeps saying how he knows how angry he gets and he tries to calm it. but then he blames ME for getting him that angry and that's why it gets uncontrollable. i don't know who's wrong here anymore. it's not like he's violent all the time (no, he's not abusive in the normal sense). but it just happens when we argue. someone please tell me what to do thank you.
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My advice is: RUN AWAY AS FAST AS YOU CAN!!! You are in an ABUSIVE RELATIONSHIP and both you and your partner are following a route that is not healthy!!!
I was in a 2 ½ years relationship with my ex, we lived together and I thought he was the best guy in the world, I thought I was going to marry this guy.
Things were good until he showed me a side of him that I didn’t see before: he was VERY abusive. He will put me down all the time, blaming me for everything (he was always right and I was always wrong), I arrived to a point that I started to believe that I really was the person he told me to be.
Eventually one night he hit me and I found myself with a bleeding purple lip before my best friend wedding.
Stupid me I didn’t leave because he promised me that he will go to therapy.
Reality is that no therapy will change who you are, if you don’t recognize a problem in you, and he really didn’t see anything wrong with himself, he did it just to save himself in front of the justice (because at a certain point police was involved).
It’s a long story, but I arrived to a point that I just couldn’t look at this monster anymore, he is horrible and he will not change.
Run away for your safety, it will get worse!!!
It will be hard but you are going to be happy, don’t be afraid to be alone, at the end you are already alone in this relationship!!!
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What bothers me most about your question is this statement you made (no, he's not abusive in the normal sense) This leads me to believe you would be willing to accept some type of abuse as long as it's not what you consider "normal abuse"
While disagreements between couples are normal and sometimes healthy if it resolves an issue, mental and physical abuse is not and is NOT acceptable.
The pattern that you are relating here is highly suggestive of an abusive relationship that is and will continue to escalate. If he blames you--and is uncontrollable like you say, he is obviously not in control and could one day seriously hurt you. No one should be held responsible for the lack of control of another person. That's their deal. You are not controlling his emotions and actions, HE is! If you told him to jump off a cliff, is he going to do it because you told him to? See..you cannot control him.
An abuser follows this pattern, name calling-throwing and punching things to wear you down mentally in the beginning. The victim will start to have lower self esteem, and may possibly believe the outbursts and name calling are their fault.
IMO 9 times out of 10 the abuser will step this up and begin to physically hurt their victim. Most abusers keep their partner hooked on this cycle by being remorseful, even admitting they are wrong and saying they will change. When in fact change will only be for the worse.
It is easy to get caught up and addicted to a love hate relationship, but it is not really "love" it is an addiction to the person he is when he is nice or one that you want him to be.
Not sure how long you've been in the relationship, but that's not important, the important thing is that you get out while you are still emotionally and physically well.
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From what I am reading you are both showing signs of classic abusers; "i smacked him and things, but i only do that if i felt like he was crossing the line." This is an excuse not a defense. You hit him, that's abuse. He pinned you to the bed, that's abuse.
Should you be working to save this relationship? Frankly I don't know? I find it hard to believe you can love one another and treat each other this way. There has to be an underlying problem causing these fights that you have not shared with us. You first have to identify the underlying problem causing the fights and see if there is a resolution to that or those problems. If you cannot resolve the problems(s) then the relationship cannot be saved and it would be best if the two of you just moved on.
I know what I wrote is hard to hear and even harder to accept. Stop and think about what I wrote. At one time you were a happy couple; what has changed; something has changed and it is that which you first have to identify.
Couples counseling may be needed to resolve these issues. But counseling has to be something you both want to do if it is going to be successful. You both have to into counseling open minded resolved to work with counselor to resolve issues.
The answer to your question is that you are both abusing each other. This is not a formula for a successful relationship. I have given you possible solutions the rest is up to you.
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If he hit you, would you stay with him?
You hit him, then make excuses for it: "...but i only do that if i felt like he was crossing the line..."
... and yet he didn't hit you back, or leave you. Sounds like this can be worked out if you will stop applying a double standard here.
If he said: "I hit her, but only because she crossed the line!" ... what would you think? You would think that was a stupid justification, and that adding that excuse makes him look like MORE of an ass. So look at it the same way when you say something like that.
As for his temper, well, that needs to be addressed. He lacks the coping skills to deal with the stress of being around you. All relationships are stressful at times, and if you don't have a way to let that out, it builds up until you absolutely cannot take it anymore. Sounds like that is what is happening with him.
Should he handle it this way? Nope. If you make him that unhappy, he should dump you. I would be curious to know why he hasn't dumped you yet, especially if this has happened more than once.
You describe yourselves as a happy couple, but I promise, that this rage didn't come from nowhere. Something in the relationship is causing him severe anxiety. The only hope you guys have is to find out what that is, and deal with it.
The odds are that you already know what the issue is. In an angry state like that, he will usually blurt out the thing he has been trying to suppress the rest of the time.
Counseling is a good idea here. The reason I say that, apart from the obvious unhappiness, is that you say you don't know who is wrong here anymore... and the answer is you both are!
You expect to hit him and have him just stand there. Wrong.
He shoves you and such, and gets to that point by not dealing with what is going on in a better way.
I think every guy knows this feeling. Usually we will get here, when we try to resolve something that is bothering us, and it just keeps going on with no resolution. After a while it feels like there is no hope the other person will come clean, tell the truth, admit they were wrong or whatever else the issue really is.
The "very happy couple" thing you describe is called: "We don't deal with the little things on a daily basis, so we end up in a screaming crisis!"
You would be shocked to find out how much this happens.
The thing that is causing the problem, may even be a misunderstanding... but until you work it out, it will keep getting worse.
Please talk with a counselor about this. BOTH of you, no sneak attack counseling here, or you will lose him forever most likely.
If you are going to say you can work it out yourselves... well, then it is a safe bet you would have already if you could have.
If you won't seek counseling, you really should end this relationship. Something about you makes him want to explode. What it is? Who even knows? But deal with it, or get out of the relationship.
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