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Not enjoying sex like I used to
Ive been with my b/f for 5 years and have always enjoyed sex/love making with him. Lately I cant get into it and havnt orgasmed in a while. What can I do to get in the mood. I dont masturbate, I dont know why I dont, I just feel weird putting my fingers there, but I think I could enjoy myself with a toy I just never felt the need to purchase something so expensive when I can get the real thing. I dont want to substitute him, maybe just learn more about myself so I can enjoy it more with him. Any suggestions?
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Maybe give some free advice about: Love Life?
No law saying you have to masturbate. In fact, probably at this point, the main benefit you would get out of masturbation is to do it in front of him and really turn him on. And maybe you will like being watched.
As far as not being able to get into the mood, that is usually a sign of one of two things:
1. That the relationship is beginning to run its course, that the fire is really no longer there.
2. You are just having a bad patch. That can happen. People's moods can be funny things.
So you just need to sit down with yourself and honestly analyze whether or not you feel you are still getting what you want out of the relationship. Sometimes things just get too predictable and, deep down, you want to do something more daring or be with someone new.
You can also try the psychological trick of waking up each day and acting like he could die in a car accident tomorrow and so you want to love him up as much as you can today. That might help bring some emotions to the fore that had been kinda left behind a while back.
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Before you accidentally damage your relationship beyond repair, let me run something by you, and see how you feel about it:
You come onto an advice site, and you see a question that says:
"I can't get into having sex with my girlfriend of 5 years. I used to, but now I can't stay hard with her... but I think I could enjoy myself with a rubber vagina! I don't want to substitute her, maybe just use a rubber vagina to learn more about myself so I can go back to enjoying it with her again someday maybe."
Ok, so... how would you feel if it was your boyfriend who wrote that question? Probably not great, right? In fact, the odds are, your self esteem would never fully recover.
Well, this is what you have just written about him. Warning! If you make him feel like you prefer toys to him, he will probably be crushed. Might even leave you to play with all the toys you want, if you get my drift. :-(
Now that I mentioned that, how about we get to some truth here? Something changed.
You know it, I know it, and I promise you he knows it, but is terrified to mention it because he knows he isn't satisfying you anymore. Sure, you can fake an orgasm, but when you aren't satisfied you treat him differently. Doesn't matter if you mean to or not, you do, and he knows.
So, what changed? Well, in my experience, I was with someone who used a certain birth control pill that turned her into a total zombie, but she couldn't see it. So if there are any hormonal issues going on here, that is something to think about.
Another thing to think about, and the is it about 99% of the time:
Are you stressed about anything?
Do you worry about things you can't change?
Obsessing over anything that is bringing you down?
Anything like that? If so, this is probably what is happening. Fix whatever is bringing you down, or stop worrying about trivia, if you have been, and watch how quickly you are interested in things again. ;-)
Step back a page here, and think about anything else that could be bothering you, stressing or worrying you before you go the replacement route here. Yes, I know that there will be a chorus that says you aren't replacing, just experimenting... and they can deny reality all they like:
You aren't having orgasms with your boyfriend.
You want orgasms, and so you are going to try getting them from someplace else.
Think of your boyfriend as an orgasm tool. You want to replace one orgasm tool with another.
Are you honest enough to admit that if he told you that you just weren't working as an orgasm tool anymore, and so he was going to use a rubber vagina, so maybe someday you would be good enough again... that you would be hurt?
Now, do I think sex toys are a threat in a healthy relationship? Heck no! In a healthy relationship where everything is working, this can be a nice change of pace. But when one person isn't satisfied, that would be you, and you bring sex toys into the mix, you are asking for disaster.
It would probably be great for you to play with toys, and judging by what you have written here, it would be a pretty good idea to get over the inability to touch yourself in a sexual way.
Whatever is making you think "icky" instead of "YAY!" when you ponder masturbation, is probably doing more harm than anything else in your sexual relationship. Fix that, and you have it made. Counseling is available for things like this, if you hit a wall and need professional help.
To finish up here: I believe that you mean no harm in wanting to replace your boyfriend as an orgasm giving device, but I absolutely promise you that he will not take that any better than you would take being told he can only be satisfied by a rubber vagina.
Best to deal with the real problem, then threaten him with being replaced by a rubber dick.
Fix whatever is not letting you get in the mood. THEN, once things are fixed, you can explore and play all you like.
It is one thing to ask him to play with you and help you discover your body... entirely another to say: "Hey, you just don't do it for me anymore, how abouts we try this here rubber dick instead?"
Oh, and I take it since you can't manage to touch your own self, for your own benefit, you haven't done it for his? He wants that, and most likely feels left out that he doesn't get to see from time to time.
Good luck trying to convince him that you aren't masturbating when he isn't around. No guy is going to believe this of a sexually active adult female. If he has been with someone who isn't disgusted with her fiddly bits, he is figuring you are like all the rest who spend so much time at it that your fingers should be paying rent!
I hope it is just stress for you, because the hormone issue is hell to deal with, and you will want to seek medical help with that, if it is the case. Our largest mistake at the time was not attempting hormone therapy to reverse the damage the birth control pills caused.
Good luck with all of this, and I hope I was in time to keep you from damaging your relationship beyond repair.
P.S. There have been users here who reported not being able to orgasm for months or years after taking the Plan-B pill, so if you have done that, there is a possibility for you.
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Julie75 gave you some good suggestions that you might try.
You did not say how old you are although I can assume you are at least 18.
After being with someone for as long as you have, certain things become routine. This would include sex. While you have not said how old you are or whether or not you and your boyfriend are living together, I still think the problem may be monotony. Don't feel bad it happens in many relationships and is probably behind the phrase, "The Seven Year Itch."
In any relationship communication is very important, this includes a sexual relationship. If you find that your sex lives have become routine, meaning it's Saturday night so we make love,then you and your BF need to communicate. You need some spontaneity.
Just what that might be for you I don't know. If you always make love in the bedroom then maybe finding some other place. Maybe it is him coming home grabbing you and bending you over he table of sofa. Maybe it is you initiating lovemaking and attacking him in some way. Tell each other what your fantasies are. We all have them. Maybe watching some porno movies will spice things up, you never know until you try something. But first you need to talk to each other.
Routine can dull anything and this could be a part of or all of what you are experiencing. What Julie75 has suggested will break some of the routine; talking with your partner and finding out his feeling will help.
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You may be having some mental issues that are preventing you from achieving a good orgasm. Sometimes if you have family, work or relationship problems, it can cause a change in mood. Try lighting some candles, take a long bubble bath, lay naked on the bed and let your hands roam your body. Lightly tease yourself and let your mind wander away to a fantasy. You can also try watching a little porn and maybe you might discover something new you'd like to try with your b/f. Don't give up on trying some toys, they're not as expensive as you think. You can get some good ones from amazon or www.intimategadgets.com and it won't break your bank. You can start with a small vibrator and a little dildo for some fun. If you have any other questions, please feel free to ask. I hope this helps and good luck.
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