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Adult living at home
20/f. I have always been pretty close to my mom, but right now we are just not gettingnalong anymore because she doesn't let me live. Honestly, she doesn't give me one minute alone. Today, she was going to go furniture shopping some place like 30 minutes away and I couldn't go with her because I had to study so I told her that I would rather stay at school and she started crying telling me that i don't love her anymore and that I ruined her day. Honestly, I really do have to study and these classes are already for my major so they count towards grad school. I thought about leaving to a different university because that is the only way she will really have to learn to live without me. But, I really like my school and I'm lucky enough to come here on a full scholarship. Aside from that, it's a fantastic school, not worth it to leave. I can't live at home anymore. And I don't have them money to move out. My mom doesn't listen to me. And shes like obsessed with me. She doesn't want me to leave her side ever. I know this isn't so detailed but I just want to break down and cry. I can't deal with it anymore and I have no brother or sisters to talk to. I have no one to side with me. Help!!!
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You are facing the problems of an only child. Mom has become dependent on you more so as a companion than as a daughter. This is not a good relationship for either of you.
From what you have written I don't see an immediate fix to your situation as the fix does require you to move out and live your own life. To do so may you have to adjust next years class schedule.
You have not said if you have any type of income other than what mom is supplying you with. So I am going to go on the assumption that you do not have a job. While I realize jobs a scarce, part time jobs are more available. You need to find a job for the summer and sock a way the money to cover your expenses during the school year. You may also have to work during the school year if you do not make enough to cover room and board at school over the summer.
You should also check with your school to see if there are any positions you could fill in exchange for room and board. Off the top of my head possibly student teaching or research assistant come to mind.
You know the answer to your problem so the problem becomes finding an answer to the solution.
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Your mother has made you her best friend and that is wrong. You are her daughter, not her spouse. It is unhealthy and I think you are sensing that. The best thing to do would be to move out, to the dorms or with a roommate. But maybe that's not possible financially right now. So if not, then you need to be able to sit down with her and have an adult conversation. She's going to get emotional, so you need to do your best to stay calm and focused. If you escalate with her, she won't hear you and she's won. Write it all out in a letter first, if that helps. Tell her that you love her and appreciate her, but that her constant attention smothers you. You are not there to make her happy, only she can make herself happy. She needs to find a way to live her life without you in it all the time, and so do you. Tell her you are setting some boundaries. Decided what those boundaries are, then STICK TO THEM. Maybe you set aside one or two specific nights a week that are just Mom/daughter time, time to hang out, go shopping, connect, have fun, whatever. But other days belong to you and you do what it is you need to do. Also, start going out more. spend time away from the house with friends or just out doing activities. When she calls and texts like crazy, answer once, tell her where you are and that you are fine and that you don't have time to talk. When she gets crazy, hang up. It will take a while, but she'll get the message. For whatever reason, your mother has made you the person that is responsible for her happiness, and now that you are becoming an independent adult, she is scared because she is losing the only thing she thought could make her happy. For her own health and happiness, she also needs to learn how to make new friends and have a life away from you. Please understand that once you stand your ground, it will get worse before it gets better. She will use every old trick in the book to manipulate you because she knows what works with you. She will throw fits and maybe even resort to drastic behavior, but I promise, if you stand your ground, you will begin to see change. Aside from setting new, healthier boundaries, you should be doing everything you can to find your own place. This relationship is not healthy for either of you the way it is right now, but once you have some space, I believe you will find it is easier to have the mother/daughter relationship you were always meant to have. Good luck.
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Is there any dorms in your college? try to find a dorm to live in. If you do live in a dorm, you'll have the option to live with a roommate which will be a good choice for you. It will give you the chance to talk to someone and get close with them. You could even introduce your mom to their parents.
What your mom needs right now is someone close. She is probably thinking that you're the only close person in her life.. If you look at the big picture, you should be proud that she needs you. Yes, I do realize it can be frustrating. Ive felt the same way. My mother used to always want to be around me and would cancel my plans like sleepovers with my friends so I could spend time with her.. But my mom recently moved to a different country for work.. Now the only thing I can think about is wishing to spend time with her. I miss her so much right now :( So in the big picture, take advantage that you have your mom to be with. I know plenty of people who would do anything just to spend a few minutes with their mothers.
But yes I do realize where you're coming from. I get that its frustrating. You just need some privacy and space. Your mom really needs a girl friend to be with or a guy to be with. Try looking for some people like in your neighborhood and invite them over to socialize. Or ask some friends of yours in college if they have any body that needs a close friend to socialize with. Introduce your mom to them, and have them go out and have fun!
good luck and inbox me if you have more questions
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