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Would this be considered rape
Hi,
I am a man. I am in my middle 20's and I have been in a relationship with the love of my life for almost three years now.
When I was 15 I lost my virginity to my father's girlfriend (she was 40 something at the time). I recall wanting to do it but now I feel like it was statutory rape. I look back on it as a shameful event and I never want to talk about it. This is actually the first time I've written it and told anyone.
My girlfriend/ soon to be fiance and I have never talked about me loosing my virginity. I feel like it will never come up but if it does I won't lie about it.
I just want to know if I was raped. Should I feel ashamed of what happened? Should I tell my girlfriend even though it is not a topic of conversation?
Thanks so much,
Advice
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Legally it is rape, and Legally it is wrong, it's not something I would recommend people go out and do, but the question is did you want it at the time? Were you open to it?
A 15 year old can't necessarily make that decision unless they are very mature, but if you did make it, don't hate yourself for it, just be happy you have a wonderful girlfriend.
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I lost my virginity about a week before my 16th birthday to a 21 year old married woman. Yeah, it wasn't cool for me to be doing a married man's wife. And yeah, technically it was rape on her part (in fact, she initiated our entire relationship). But do I hate myself for it or am I ashamed of it? Hell no. In fact, it bolstered my self confidence a ton.
Yes, it would give me the heebee jeebees to do my dad's girlfriend. I personally would not have gone there myself (even I have some boundaries), but you have to look at it as the intersection of your teenage horniness and her lust for a young buck who looked liked your dad. Yes, what she did was statutory rape. But it's not like you were an unwilling participant. You could have easily fended her off if you wanted to.
So relax and don't overthink this. Instead, focus on what you learned from it rather than getting sucked into the whole victimhood angle, which will only make you look like a wuss to your girlfriend. If the subject comes up (and none of my past girlfriends ever asked me about my first time, probably because I never cared about their's) just tell your girlfriend the truth if you just gotta be honest. Personally, I would think of it as TMI. You can lie and say you lost it to a girlfriend in high school if that won't make you be racked by unnecessary guilt. All women lie about how many guys they slept with before you (again, I never cared about how many boys/men my partners have been through as long as they are disease free and faithful to me) anyway.
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Statutory, yes.
You recall wanting it and now you feel ashamed.
Have you ever considered that the fact that you crossed swords with your dad is part of the shame? That your dad's girlfriend cheated on him with you (and I bet no one knows but you, her, and the internet) and now you feel terrible about it?
Was it wrong of her, yeah. But did you make a mistake that would have been terrible even if your dad had been dating a 20 year old? Yeah. Are there alot more reasons for shame than "I was taken advantage of"? Yeah.
I don't think you were raped. I think you were a 15 year old offered sex by someone you were attracted enough to to say yes, and then said yes.
You weren't a full adult capable of making an adult decision about sex, but by my ruberic for making adult decisions about sex no one is generally capable of that until after they turn 20-22.
I think you fucked up, personally. I think there's alot more to this than "I was taken advantage of".
Though, that determination is really up to you. Guys get raped, and taken advantage of. The problem is we can't really tell you which it was to you. When I was 17 I went after a 23 year old substitute. That was definitely statutory, and I definitely was not, in any way, being taken advantage of.
Were you seduced by an older woman and taken advantage of? Did you walk willingly into a very bad situation and then regret having done so? No matter what, the way you described it you definitely consented.
However bad a decision that was, you made a decision here. You weren't passed out, drugged, blackmailed, or otherwise forced into this. You chose, and the decision was bad.
If you need to talk to a therapist to work it out past that, do so. Even if you were in no way taken advantage of that doesn't mean dealing with the consequences of something that messed up is easy, especially alone and without guidance. I'd talk to a counselor before anyone else, if I were you.
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This is a difficult situation because society tell guys that a situation like this is 'hot' and you should be grateful. But your gut tells you otherwise. You understand you were taken advantage of. You were a child, and a grown woman took advantage of your innocence and insecurity. She was wrong. It was a form of abuse, and just like other victims of abuse, you feel shame and self-doubt. If it is an option for you, seek counseling. You need a way to talk this out and come to understand this and how it changed you and affected your life. If you can't do that, another option is to see someone through your church or religious institution. If you are not a person of faith, seek out a community center or local institution that offers counseling for low cost or free. And if your relationship with your girlfriend is really that serious, I think you do need to talk to her about this. Its not a confession. You didn't do anything to confess. Its an admission, its sharing a very hurtful part of your past with the woman you love. Trust me, she will love you more for sharing something so personal with her. It will show her you trust her with your pain, and as a woman, its an honor to be able to share those things with the man you love. She will appreciate that you are able to be vulnerable with her, and you may even find a sense of relief, finally getting it off your chest and saying it out loud. You may find that it doesn't hold as much power over you as you thought it did. I wish you luck. this event has shaped you, but it does not have to shape your future. That is yours to do.
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There is a difference between Rape and Statutory Rape. Rape is sex against a persons will. Statutory Rape is when sex, even when consensual occurs between a minor, such as yourself, and an adult, such as your dad's girlfriend. Included in this event are charges such as child molestation and several other crimes of a sexual nature. Depending on where you live these crimes may not have a statue of limitation should you be thinking of bring charges. You would need to talk with local prosecutor.
Where you raped? In the statutory sense of the word the answer is yes. If she talked you into having sex with her or in any way forced you to have sex with her; then you were raped in both meanings.
What you do need to do in my view is bring some closure to this event for yourself. To do so I suggest that you talk with a therapist. I would suggest you call an organization called RAINN. This stands for Rape, Abuse, Incest, National Network, they operate a 24/7 hotline with volunteers who can help you contact a counselor in your area who will work with you to bring closure to this event. The counselor will also help you explain what has happened to your fiance should you wish too.
The phone number for RAINN is 1-800-656-HOPE (4673). Give them a call and find someone who can help you put this event in its proper perspective and bring a proper closure to it. In this way you will be able to get on with your life without having it hanging over you.
In closing let me just say that the sex you had with this women was in no way your doing and nothing you should feel ashamed about. This women took advantage of you and the teenage hormones all teenage males have. If you were my son, and I'm 64 years of age, I would be giving you the advice I have given you as well as to suggest you talk to the police about criminal charges.
If this women took advantage of you, who else has she taken advantage of and who will she take advantage of in the future. You have the opportunity to save other young boys from suffering as you have.
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Yes, Despite willingly going along with having sex with this women it still does not change the fact that at the time you were a minor.
Now I'm not saying this is the case but if you did or were thinking about pushing charges it may be a bit too late as there is now no proof of evidence. To answer your question, Yes it is statutory rape. A women of age 40 or even over the age of 18 for that matter should not be having sex with someone under the age of 18. If someone where to be caught they could be charged with the following:
Child Molestation, Lewd acts upon a child, Sexual assault and a whole load of other charges.
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