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How to work my relationship with my husband out
I love my husband to death but we have not been getting along i know that i can be picky sometimes but what woman is not. So my husband made a promise to me that he would not smoke anymore so when he asked yesterday i immediatly said no and of course he got mad. So today he tells me he has been thinking alot and since we have gotten together i have tried to change everything about him and pretty much hes the one that tries to make me happy but i dont do it in return! so my question is what should i do about this?????? I told him from the beginning what i was looking for and now hes mad!I really just feel like this relationship is sinking and sinking fast.
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What is happening here is that he is feeling emasculated by your demands. He feels like he is either being neutered by his wife or you are trying to be his mom and he doesn't like being viewed as a child.
Listen, men are dominance oriented. When they feel like they are on the losing end of something there is going to be some pushback.
Moreover, he, like most men, don't know how to really talk with women. Therefore, the times he is forced to talk with you is feeling more and more like a night of the long knives where he is constantly backpedaling and playing defense. At some point, when somebody is cornered, the only way to get out is to lash out, which is also a way for him to try to reclaim his need for dominance.
So my advice to you is to back off. Get him electronic cigarettes. They are minimally smelly and are really nothing more than nicotine delivery systems, except without all the crap that comes along with cigarettes, like benzene, carbon monoxide, tar and etc. Over time, he can cut his nicotine dosages down until he quits completely. He can also go to encounter groups to talk about his need to smoke. And I must say the stress he feels interacting with you is probably causing him to want to smoke again.
Also, just relax, okay? Don't overthink yourself into an emotional pretzel like too many women do. Keep things simple and linear and your husband will be a hell of lot more comfortable with you as a result.
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I think there are problems with your communication that can't be solved here. Married as well, my advice is seek couple's therapy.
There's alot more going on in a relationship that ended in marriage than you explained here, more issues than we could possibly unwind. Go see a therapist together, someone who can help you figure out how to communicate without the painful trial and error that'll happen if you just try to figure it out on your own.
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This is what I picked up on: "but i don't do it in return! so my question is what should i do about this??????" "I told him from the beginning what i was looking for and now hes mad!"
There is not much here to work with. The other person has given you the standard marriage is a 50/50 proposition thing. To be of any real help it would be helpful to know what he meant and what you mean by "I told him from the beginning what i was looking for."
It is inevitable that in order for a man and woman to live together as a couple that both are going to have to change somewhat in order to happily coexist. The old toilet seat up or down thing issue is first to come to mind. Their is also the old adage that the woman molds her man into a husband. I use the term old and adage together for today's couple have other standards than their grandparents when this adage actually worked.
Today's couples seem to hold on to their individualism rather than mold into one. Their is nothing wrong with this as it seems to be working quite well, especially with couples who are both career minded.
My advise: Hidden in your last two sentences i the answer to your question. Reread them and then ask yourself what promises you may have made that you haven't kept. What and how many changes your husband has made for you and most of all what did you mean by;"I told him from the beginning what i was looking for." If the answer does not come to you then marriage counseling may be in order.
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okay. I'm married too. You have to give some and take some. If he made a promise, then he should keep it! But IF he doesn't keep his promise to not smoke, it's not the end of the world. Just make sure you let him know that you understand how hard it is to stop smoking. Or heres another idea... compromise with him. Try to see if he will come to an agreement on how much he smokes and how often. Men do not like to be told what to do! And marriage is all about compromising anyway so try that. That way he is happy too because he doesn't feel like your trying to "change" him. If he said you dont try to make him happy then prove him wrong by telling him you want to compromise. If he doesn't want to compromise then he's just selfish! I've learned from my marriage that things are not always what you thought they were in the beginning unfortunately. But just try to let him be him, but also respect your wishes and keep his promises. I hope that works for you Christy
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