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How do I tell this guy to back off nicely?
Almost 15/F Guy is 20/M...
I've been talking to a guy online and he's from a different country. I like meeting new people, but at first he came off really strong.
He would call me, and text me, and comment on my pictures on facebook, which really was uncomfortable.
I texted him back and told him that he was being stalker-ish, at that time, he backed off and we became sorta "civil".
I have trust issues with guys, A LOT of trust issues, and I can't find myself to trust this guy much, but I am still talking to him.
He acts like he's met be before, and it's not freaky, I'm only curious. He asked me if he could call me sweetie, and I didn't really care, so I told him sure. Sometimes he asks me if I missed him when we don't talk and we'll have in depth conversations, which is nice because my guy best friend doesn't know half the stuff about me that this guy is guessing about.
It is nice to have someone to talk to that really gets me.
Anyways, how should I tell him to "back off" nicely? I don't want him to say sorry, I just want him to know that.....I don't know how to explain it. Maybe that: I don't understand why he is getting so close to me and saying things to me like that.
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Want to answer more questions in the Relationships category?
Maybe give some free advice about: Friendship?
It is quite obvious that this guy likes you. And I almost had that same experience recently that I am still dealing with now. My advice is that you should tell him that you both are just friends (unless you want something more than that) and nothing more. Maybe you should tell him some of the great things he has done for you to ease up the tension then tell him how awesome it is being his friend to send him the hint that you only want friendship.
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The huge answer says it all. I will just add that as life goes on you will be in this position again and again. You need to learn to grow some balls and to hell with if "it sounds mean". At your age four out every five guys your age are going to try the same shit. A twenty year old has no business even communicating with you. You will find that exercising your backbone can feel very liberating and will prepare you for a world where the majority of people especially men, do NOT have your best interests at heart.
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You need to stop sending mixed signals. Seriously. You're even sending YOURSELF mixed signals. Read this:
"I have trust issues with guys, A LOT of trust issues, and I can't find myself to trust this guy much..."
"He would call me, and text me, and comment on my pictures on facebook..."
"...I am still talking to him."
"...we'll have in depth conversations, which is nice because my guy best friend doesn't know half the stuff about me..."
You met this strange guy from another country. You gave him access to some of your personal details (Facebook), including your photos. You gave him your personal phone number, in which you've answered calls and texts from him. You allow him to call you sweetie and discuss missing each other frequently. You tell him things that not even your best guy friend knows about you.
This. This is not trust issues. You've opened yourself up completely to this stranger.
You tell him to "back off" but then you still communicate with him in this manner.
I'd be confused too.
Does she like me, or doesn't she?
"I don't understand why he is getting so close to me and saying things to me like that."
You are LETTING him.
Now, I'm not saying this guy is some creepy predator that has scoured the internet for the his next 15-year-old victim. Not at all. Most people on the internet are not pedophiles looking for a victim.
However, as unfortunate as this sounds, a lot of people from outside of the U.S. are overly flirty with American citizens in hopes that they will build a connection so that they can come to America, too. Even people in decent countries will play on the hearts of Americans to help gain citizenship so that they can begin their dream life as something like an American actor. I'm not saying that this is certainly what is beginning to happen here, but I am saying that it IS a great possibility and outweighs an online-pedophile-factor by a million.
What you really should do is break it off with this guy and make it clear that what has happened has been inappropriate. Two people have told you this and it appears you didn't want to hear either of them. You should realize something here though: you are leading him on.
You're giving him all of the green-light "go-ahead" signals here. You're giving him your personal...everything! You're spending a lot of time with him. You're revealing things about yourself that are personal. You're giving him direct lines of communication. You're allowing him to be "in your circle" as if he were standing next to you, as if you went to school with this person.
Maybe you don't care about being called Sweetie. It isn't a big deal, right? Consider what he thinks of it. "Sweetie" is endearing. While he may not say that outright, it means there is a bond of a feeling of closeness. If he started calling you "Slutbag" you'd have an opinion, wouldn't you? Letting him call you "Sweetie" is an issue if you don't feel that connection to where you want to move things forward.
You should have stopped him there.
"Thanks for wanting to be so nice to me, but, really, I don't think that's appropriate for this situation. We're just online friends and calling someone 'Sweetie' typically means more. I'm sorry but that would make things uncomfortable for me and might give you the wrong impression down the line, even."
Telling him to "back off" nicely is going to create more of a dilemma. He's going to think that he still has some "chance" or some "connection" with you and that you're just playing a little harder to get. You need to be clear, straight-forward, and BLUNT.
"I know we've been talking for the past little while and I need to address something pretty serious here. I don't want to offend you but I think I've given you mixed signals. The truth is, for me, we're just online friends and nothing more. I shouldn't have allowed you to call me endearing names and I shouldn't have revealed so much about my personal life to you. It's gotten to the point to where I'm getting uncomfortable with this situation because I think you're trying to push things forward and I'm trying to go in reverse a little. I need to make this clear though. Please know, we are just online friends and that is all. Nothing more. I enjoy chatting with you occasionally but there will never be anything more."
So, what is what it boils down to.
He's being aggressive because you've opened the doors for him and invited him to pursue you. You've been fairly accepting of his flirts. You've played a little hard to get and, when he pushed forward with wanting to call you a sweet name, you invited him on forward.
You need to be direct with the man about what is going on here. You need to be honest with him and yourself. You made mistakes here. Clear them up. Express the issue. Let him know your side.
And, like the other Advicenators, I certainly do recommend you cut off complete contact; however, I get the distinct impression that you won't be doing that. Just, as additional advice, I'd stop communicating with him since things have gotten out of hand. That is all.
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Cut complete contact
The internet is the easiest way for pedophiles and creeps to find their prey, This guy is 5 years older than you. Yes, he is a stalker but he also developed an obsession and people who become obsessed don't just back off.
Creeps on the internet come in all sources;
Some are master manipulators, Some are sweet talkers, Some are liars, Others use bribery etc. If you want it too stop then you are going to have to block him. Don't message him, Ignore him completely.
Next time, Don't give out your personal information. It is so easy for anyone to pretend to be someone behind a screen.
If he doesn't stop texting your phone, Then you may want to have the number changed. It is very easy for someone to Google an area code and get the location.
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Don't ask this guy to back off. YOU back off. You allowed him too much access to you in the first place, and now you realize you've found yourself a stalker. The good news is that its just as easy to distance yourself from him. Just cut him off. Don't answer texts (PLEASE, please please don't EVER EVER give a stranger your actual phone number, especially over the internet), don't email him. Delete his emails right away. Don't even read them. De-friend him from FB. Do it now before this thing becomes something you really can't handle. This guy has all the classic signs of an online predator, a pedophile. Don't believe me? Google what some of the traits of an online predator are and ask yourself if they fit him. Cut this guy off now and take it as a lesson learned. Talk to people you know, or else keep your "online" friends for FB only. You could get yourself inot real trouble.
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