I'm a guy but I think I was raped at a party when we were drinking
Question Posted Wednesday October 13 2010, 1:35 am
Hi. I'm 16/m and I went to this party last saturday. I dont know what to do now really because it's embarrassing. I was hanging out with this one girl and we were drinking. I know I drank too much and I shouldn't have kept at it but everyone else was doing it and I guess I wasn't thinking. Anyway, we were kissing and fooling around a little but I didn't want things to get serious by leading to sex. The other guys ended up leaving us in this room after awhile and we were alone but by then I was pretty drunk. She took off her top and it was nice to see so we did keep fooling around. Then I think she took advantage of me because I was so drunk. I mean she had been drinking too but I told her at one point that I didn't want to go further. My thing reacted to some stuff she was doing (like she was stripping and it seemed sexy?) but I could not control it to get it to go down and stop. She ended up having sex with me but I remember telling her I didn't want to do it. I remember that but then the rest is kind of hazy and I ended up waking up in a bed in another room all alone and without my clothes on. It was... kind of obvious I had had sex.
Now everybody knows we had sex because she told a lot of people we did it. I'm embarrassed becuse she was my first and nobody knew I was a virgin and I really think she just... raped me. I told her I didn't want to before we were doing it and when she was doing stuff to me. I was so drunk I couldn't stop her. I know I'm such a wuss and I feel like such a loser. I am ashamed. I feel so bad and USED by this girl. I can't stop thinking about it. I feel like I'm trash.
What do I do? I know you see on tv where they say to go to the cops but I'm a guy and I don't want them to think I'm lying. I'm not lying. I really think it was rape. I didn't want to have sex. I told her I didn't want to do it. I was just drinking and having fun w/my friends. I didn't think it would lead to something like that and I remember making myself clear about not wanting to do it. What do I do now? If I tell everybody is going to make fun of me for whining about having sex. I didn't want it though!
While it is harder for a male to prove rape then a female it is still possible for a male to be raped. The feeling that at some point the male has to cooperate is old theory.
I'm not going to lecture you on underage drinking other than to say there is good reason for this, you even gave one: "I know I drank too much and I shouldn't have kept at it but everyone else was doing it and I guess I wasn't thinking." Okay, stay away from the booze until your body and mind are old enough and of legal age to handle it.
Next, like it or not you need to sit down with your parents to tell them exactly what went on, where you were, who was there and most importantly who the girl was. Your parent will have to decide how to proceed from here. Calling the police and asking their advice is the proper thing to do. I would also suggest they call a rape crisis center to get you some counseling so that you can work through this.
You may think your friends will support the girl. In a group maybe so but I wouldn't count on it if I were her and all of you are under age and drinking. When the police handcuff them and take them to the station to interview them and process them on the underage drinking charge they will tell the truth
Girls are as bad if not worse then boys when it comes to bragging. She is bound to tell her friends what happened between you. If she knows she was your first then she will brag that she got your cherry.
The police will find all this out. You just have to let them do what they do best. Will it be embarrassing for you? It properly will be, just remember you are a victim of a crime. You have a right to see justice served.
Remember one thing through all of this: NO means NO and STOP means STOP no matter who is saying it. When you said stop the girl should have done so. Anything that happened after the first time you said no, I don't want to or stop is rape. It does not make a difference male or female. The first person to say stop if the other person does not stop they become a rapist and the person who said stop is then being raped. [ adviceman49's advice column | Ask adviceman49 A Question ]
WittyUsernameHere answered Wednesday October 13 2010, 3:12 am: Sexual assault and rape, while less common, happen on a consistent basis to guys.
The single most common reaction is feeling "like a wus" and not wanting to go to the cops for fear of things like being laughed at or thought a liar.
There's nothing wrong with what you're feeling. You were taken advantage of. I'd suggest starting with a school counselor. Talk to them, get feedback, see what they can do to help.
You're going to want to speak to a counselor. Not school, professional. Dealing with this (it is a traumatic event) is something you're not equipped for at 16. It's something your peers aren't really equipped for either. Talk to someone with credentials.
That means, you need to tell your parents.
I'm sure that sucks. If you don't want to go into it you can try just asking to speak to a counselor and telling them you'd rather not say, but the question will hang in the air until you answer it even if they leave it alone for a while.
I really honestly don't know what to tell you. It was last Saturday. By now you've showered several times, and once would have been enough. There's no evidence and so it comes down to your word against hers and no one saw you resist. Your friends would probably honestly testify that you seemed fine when they left you.
I would definitely recommend talking to your parents and a professional before considering any kind of charges, and it moves up the timetable. You'd need to go to the cops probably by Friday to be taken seriously at all. That's a guess, it varies, but lacking proof I have no idea what they'd actually do. You'll have to go to them to find out, or call an attorney.
You need your parents for both, so make your peace with telling them and get it over with.
Last, stop hating yourself. Alcohol can render just about anyone defenseless.You were put in a situation you didn't know what to do with, and you were physically far less capable of doing anything than you normally would be.
I'm a big guy. 6'2 and broad chested, former football player. I've been drunk enough that I lost wrestling with my wife who was also drunk and is 5'1. Completely helpless. I probably could have held my own if I weren't trying not to hurt her, but I didn't want to do that and I imagine neither did you. Even in that situation I'm sure the thought of punching her or something similar was a repellent thought.
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