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am I being a total biatch or just a mom.
Kinda 2 questions in this any help would be great..I have 3 kids with an exhusband in which i was married to for 10 yrs. and inherrited 3 more kids when I got remarried. My kids go back and forth from my house to their dad's. Their dad also remarried. So I have an issue where I have to be notified on EVERYTHING when it comes to my childrens school. Even if it is not my day to have them I still expect their dad to call me and let me know what is going on with school such as were there notes in folders and if so what they say, did my 5 yr old have a good day or was he in trouble, If they have homework did they do it and did you help. It was my choice to leave ex and I realize I chose to not see my kids 24/7 when I left but am I a total biatch for asking him to do this for me. My kids are 9,7,5. am I being over protected of them? Second I feel like I am distant from my 3 step kids when my kids are not around. I feel guilty that they see me more and gets to do alot more with me then my own bio kids. My stepkids mother is no longer apart of their lives (mothers choice.) So I am their only mother. I have no clue why I feel this way I really wish I didnt I love them all very much, I hate feeling guilty that my hubbys kids get hugs and kisses from me every night and my own children only get them half the week. confused, sad,and hurt any help would be nice. Thanks
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AS for the question about your step children; I understand your guilt and feel it is probably natural to feel as you do. I do like the part of your writing where you say you love your step children for it makes what I’m going to say easier to suggest.
You are carrying a double load of guilt around. The guilt about your step children and the guilt about your own children and the mothering you cannot supply 24/7 because you chose to leave their father. To carry this type of guilt around is not good for anyone, you or the children involved and probably is not good for you present marriage either.
I believe there are two things you need to do. First; you need to unburden and come to terms with all this guilt you are carrying around. This is not something you can do alone, you should seek the help of a professional therapist for some talk therapy. Talk therapy will allow you to unburden yourself to someone who is trained to help you find the answers you need and who will keep your conversations totally confidential. Second; you and your ex need to revisit custody of the children. The present arrangement may be satisfactory to one of you but it is my belief that it is detrimental to the children. I find it hard to believe a judge signed off on this. Children need stability, there is nothing wrong with joint custody of the children, meaning both parents are involved jointly in the children’s well being. Physical custody of children as young as your children needs to be more stable. They need to sleep in the same bed, have the same friends, and ride the same bus to school each morning. When this stability is removed they can be physically hurt by other children through teasing as other children will not understand why this is so and resort to teasing and fighting.
The custody arrangement of the children has to be about the well being of the children, not your desire to supervise homework or to know what type of day they had at school. Yes, this is important for both parents to know and once the physical custody is modified you and your Ex need to sit down and arrange what the non custodial parent wants to know and when. Maybe all that is need is a weekly recap of general events, but immediate notification when notes are received from teachers, parent teacher conferences, when one of the children is sick or of one of the children has been hurt or gotten into a fight. Have it written down and put into the custody agreement. You have to work for the betterment of the children. What you and your Ex want for yourselves is secondary.
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been there i was the kid. i didnt live with my mom and she hated that she couldnt tuck us in at night i dont think its wrong that you asked of course you have the right to know these things but maybe try calling them every day instead of having your ex do it because thats what i wish my mom did when i didnt see her. as for the stepmom thing its always like the stepmom is a bitch and the kids hate her which is the case most times but feeling guilty is normal you love your kids they are yours dont distant from your step kids or make them think that you have to treat your kids and his kids differently because they will hate you for that. perhaps you should see a someone and talk to them about it because this is a hard process in your life right now and you need to be reassured that your doing the right thing and what you should do and how your feeling is either ok or not.
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I have had joint custody with my husband and my three kids many years ago and I know many woman who share joint custody with their ex's, but I've never known a case where children spent part of the school week with one parent and the other part with the other. Usually, one parent keeps the kids for the week and the other (usually the father) takes them for the weekend. This give the children stability and a routine and prevents what is happening in your situation. Your situation seems odd and I'm sure it's stressful on the children, your ex and yourself. I don't blame you for wanting to know everything that goes on as far as school, and I'm sure you have a measure of guilt regarding your biological children versus your stepchildren.
I would discuss with my ex the wisdom of having them at his house during the school week. It's too disruptive and the most important factor is the well being and happiness of the children. They need to have a stable environment throughout the week and not be ushered back and forth when they need to concentrate on their studies.
I would not feel guilty about seeing my stepchildren and loving them. They need you and your influence as they have no other.
All said, your children are too young to be away from you for more than a weekend. Children of that age still need a mother full time. There will be a time, though, when their father will need to play a bigger picture. They may even want to live with him permanently, but that's usually in the teenage years. Your feelings are very natural, maternal feelings.
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You are being a bit of both. Of course you feel guilty, but that was the price you paid for leaving your husband. It was not an easy choice, but surely you new it would have consequence. You just didn't think the consequences would feel like this. There's nothing you can do now about the amount of time you have with your kids. You've made your choice, and this is where it has lead. However, you DO have a choice as to the QUALITY of time you have. Do you feel you are a good, active and engaged mother to your kids when they are with you? Do you discipline and love too? Do you play games, provide structure and nurture? If yes, you should forgive yourself for the choices you've made in the past that you CAN'T change and give yourself a pat on the back for being the best mother you can be when you can be. And yes, you're coming off as a biatch about the school thing. I understand you need to communicate with your ex about this stuff so you know what's going on when the kids come back, but calling every day and DEMANDING all the details makes it seem like you don't trust him with your kids, and that's wrong, because they're his kids too and I know he loves them every bit as much as you do. Try talking to him and coming up with some sort of system - a checklist, email system or even notes back and forth with the kids (like a notebook that travels with them that has notes from you to him and vice versa)- but make a system that allows each of you to be kept up to date on the happenings at school without having to breath down each others necks and ratcheting up the tension. And while it must be hard to know your own kids are somewhere else while your being a mom to the step-kids, you should think of it more like a special time you get to have with some very special kids who were horribly abandoned by their mom. Loving them doesn't take away any of the love you have for your own kids - you don't STOP loving your kids just because they're at Dad's! So stop feeling guilty. Like I said, the choices have been made and it is what it is. Short of leaving your current husband and going back to the ex, there's nothing you can do. But try not to concentrate too much on what's missing and start counting all of your blessings. Sounds like you have a lot!
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