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together for four years
Hey guys, I'm a 19 year old female and my boyfriend is 21. We have been together for four year in September.. Everyone around us is getting engaged and we have been together longer than anyone of them. I dont know if im jealous or worried. I have said to him I want to be engaged, he said no. It makes me feel like he doesnt love me that much to marry me. He says he wants to marry me but wants to wait. I want a big wedding, huge dress ect.. I understand to wait for the wedding, but why cant we be engaged? He says he wants to be able to buy me a huge ring and make sure its beautiful, but I dont want/need that right now, just a small right so show hes mine.. Because of this I have decided to go away to school in the fall. Maybe to test to see if he is my "one" or just to clear my head and enjoy being 19.. Im not sure. What are your intakes of this? Am i right to feel "not loved" or do you all agree with him?
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Trust me, 19 is not the right age to be engaged - I've been there myself (and all too recently, as I am 19 still!). It's always fun to dream about your perfect wedding, it's great to have something that says "yes, I am in fact taken, and this guy really loves me!", but there's nothing that says it has to be such a commitment as an engagement. So what if your friends are getting married? Do you have to schlep along like another little sheep and do the same thing because its what everyone else is up to? Getting engaged puts a lot more strain on a relationship for young people because you come to expect certain things of each other. You do things because you're engaged and not because you're with the man you want to spend your life with - the two are startlingly easy to confuse. "Oh well he did this so I must do this now." "She did that so now I have to do this." "This is what I should do because it's what all my friends expect of me." Don't worry about it! Other people should not be involved in your relationship or what you're doing with it. I got engaged at a (far too) young age, and because of that the relationship completely fell apart but we stayed together for a long time because "we were supposed to." "We're high-school sweethearts, we're supposed to get married and have 2.5 kids and get old together."
Everything in its own time dear. Don't push him into it, because pushing him will push him away from you. If he wants to be with you forever, then he will come to that decision on his own, in his own time.
Going away for school in the fall is a great idea in my opinion; not only will it give you two time apart to develop your own lives and persons, but it will make life far better for you both in the end if you do eventually get married! Go for it and enjoy being young! We only get so long before we have to take on all the responsibilities we can handle and then some.
Not wanting to get engaged doesn't mean that he doesn't want to be with you, and that's something that you should really try to think about right now. Take the materialistic aspects out of your relationship in your mind and see what it means to you then. He shouldn't have to buy you a ring of ANY size to make you happy. It isn't the only way to show you're his and he's yours! Heck, I wear a necklace that my mother! bought me because the stone in it (amber) makes me think of him. The necklace has nothing to do with him OR my relationship directly, but it makes me so happy to wear as just a little reminder of him, and everyone assumes its something he bought me because I wear it almost every day.
So, don't pay attention to what your friends are doing in their relationships. Don't worry about him "not loving" you - because he sounds like he does and you just want him to 'prove it.' Go have fun and get to school in the fall. See where life takes you, don't force the issue!
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He's right.
Marriage is about two people. You're fantasizing about an amazing wedding, he's thinking about everything after that.
The way you feel is ridiculous. It's short sighted and self centered.
Guys have egos too. Pride and things we want. When your boyfriend says he wants to buy the ring, he's serious. When he says now isn't the time, he's serious there too. Marriage isn't about keeping up with friends or not being left out or fancy dresses. Marriage is about the two of you turning two lives into one together.
You need to grow up a little bit. You're young. You both have a lot of growing and changing to do. Don't add the burdens of commitment fights. Because while you're feeling unloved because you're not getting your pretty wedding, he's feeling hurt and offended that you'd question the way he feels about you to get your way when you should be having an honest talk with him about it.
That's how adults handle relationships.
Rhona also makes a good point. It's easier to combine two lives when there are two actual lives to combine. You're both fledgling adults right now. He's just coming into and defining his own manhood, give him some time to grow up and figure himself out before you start telling him what he's supposed to want and when.
Telling someone who's not sure what direction they want their life to take what direction you think they should want to take is a surefire way to drive them away from you post haste.
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Girlfriend,
Get out of town and go to SCHOOL. Forget how you feel unloved because he's not into marriage at 21 and you are at 19. He's not SUPPOSED TO BE INTERESTED in marriage now; not yet. He just became a MAN for God's sake. I guarantee you, my friend, EVERY time you say or do or LOOK anything that resembles marriage, you're seriously pushing him away from you.
If you don't believe me, ask your brother or some other guy friend; you seriously need to back off and WORK ON YOUR LIFE while he does the same. Have your big wedding, just follow the right steps to get there, and simply take your 'wants' your 'lifelong dream' and ZIP IT~!! He knows what you want, so use self-control 100% of the time, otherwise get ready for a shocking heartache.
Good luck.
100% focus on YOU and no marriage talkk EVER~~~~~~~~
!!!!!!!!!!
XX RHONA
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Well I'm a guy and I agree with you me and my fiance have been engaged for three years we've been together for 6 but mearage is a scary thing for some people iv been maried once before and as soon as she got the ring on her finger things changed not on my behalf but hers she started doing things behinde my back and all the skelitons in the closet came out so to speak in realiity I didn't even know her and we where together for 8 years so mariage isn't for everyone
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I'm 23, as is my girlfriend. We've been together since we were 17, and we are not engaged. We too have experienced our friends getting married even when they have not been together as long.
We've also witnessed these same friends getting divorced.
I know an engagement is not the same thing, but there is no reason for you to be engaged at 19, regardless of how long you've been together. My advice is to just keep on keepin on. You know you love him, he knows he loves you. You don't need a ring to prove that to each other or anyone else.
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Its hard to be a woman, isnt it? All women feel a certain amount of rejection when this subject pops up,but the important thing is, he wants to wait and make it special, and we tend to ruin it by bringing it up all the time and asking why cant it be NOW, not later. You may specify that you don't want an enormously large ring because its not your style, but anything other than that sadly to say IS his decision. If he doesn't want to ask you to marry him yet, he's not going to and there isnt a thing we can do about it but be patient and wait. Its much better when its a surprise. You're 19, I wouldnt take things to quickly with the marriage, after all..it IS irreversible for the most part. I don't agree with either sides because men see things differently than women. When he's ready he'll ask, even if its way past when you were ready. Take your time and enjoy your life together as it is for now.
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