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this isnt working anymore
i am 20 my ex bf is 21. we were together for the pass two years. we were on and off for those two years for various reasons. we broke up this febuary and tried to be friends which didnt work because we spent all day together, talked to each other more than our friends, and were intimate but just didnt label ourselve bf/gf. we completly stopped all of this in march.
during our relationship, he wanted me to change some things to better myself and "our" future at the time. examples: like a better job, or move out, be more comfortable around his friends and family. (i was a shy girl).
three weeks ago, i was the one who texted him two weeks ago. we had lunch and he asked how i was doing and how my life was going. i told him i had found a much better job, i wasnt even looking just came across it from a friend and was hired. i went on his dream vacation and to a basketball game of his favorite team. i am even more open to people i meet and less shy, thanks to him. after lunch i asked to be friends, he said he couldnt handle it. he could never introduce me to anyone as his friend because he still loves me and cares for me too much. he couldnt even be my friend on facebook because he would get jealous and look at my fb stats. a week later we decided to be friends, he was hesitate at first but agreed to be actual friends this time.
then i told him my plan that i might move out because i am fiancially set now. he freaked out on me and said he cant be my friend. he thinks im doing this just to get back or make him jealous. he thinks i didnt make myself better when i was with him because i didnt care about him enough. he knows that its spiteful and he should be happy for me but he cant be. he said that im going to be the perfect girl and i will be with someone else so we cannot be friends. then he told me. "i hope whoever you marry, you have learned to love." this might have been out of anger when he saw me with a guy two nights ago.
i did grow up and mature from when i met him two years ago. but i am not doing this to make him jealous or to get him back. we had a lot of issues that we needed to work on and i think we are better off single or not with each other for now at least. i do love him and always will. he has helped me mature in so many ways and i have told him thank you numerous times, thats why i want him in my life as a friend. maybe years down the road we could be together but not now.
i just want to be his friend and have him understand that i am doing this for myself more then anyone else. i dont want him to be spiteful either but i know i cant force it on him and he has to do it alone...any word of advice?
Thanks
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Maybe give some free advice about: Love Life?
Congrats on all of your acconplishments!
I think it's great that you are living your life for you, and not some guy. You have accomplished so much on your own. Anyone can see that you improved your life for your benifits and not to make some guy jelous.
Everything happens for a reason. And it seems to me that from dating this guy you have learned a lot about yourself and what you want out of life. You have matured and you broke out your shell. This relationship was all a learning experience (as all relationships should be)for you.
It's understandable that you still want to be friends with this guy. Most people still have feelings for their ex after they break up, even if they are the one that ended the relationship. But, maybe it's time to move on... this guy does not seem like he is ready for a commited relationship yet. I mean he wanted you to change for him. If you love someone, you love ALL of them.. this includes their job, personalty, ect.
I can see why he does not want to be friends at the moment. He's jelous of your new life and angry he can't be completly involved in it. So what can you do? Make it clear to hime that you just want to be friends and nothing more.
Just be there for him as a friend. Treat him how you would treat any other freind your having problems with. Don't give him any speacial treatments. If he texts you, great. If he doesnt, oh well. Let him cool off for a while, and if he still doesnt apologized for his temporary insanity and want to be friends, well then move on girly. Find a new guy to spend your new life with that actaully wants to be freinds with you on facebook.
I hope this helps you, good luck!
Blessings!
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Sit down with him and talk to him, Simply tell him that you have a few things you feel that he should know.
Explain to him how you feel, If you still love him (assuming you do) then tell him that. Let him know that life has turned around for you for the better and you are ready to take a leap at the important things in life and if he is with you, That you'd like to take that leap in life with his support.
Sometimes with people, They are afraid of change. People who are in their late teens and early twenties are on their way to taking the next step in life. Better Jobs, Ending or Attending College, Moving out, and this is were many of us hesitate and become confused. Your ex sounds like he doesn't know what he wants..
This is yours to find out, Sit him down and talk it out sometimes a successful relationship means setting a goal together. If you just wanted to remain friends with your spouse..You could try it. However, If you do maybe cut down the amount of time you spend with him because in the end it will only go back the way it did previously. If your ex is too afraid to take a leap at life and is "jealous" of your changes and independence then maybe it would be best just to be friends and not try the relationship again as then you will realize you'd be in two different stages in your lives. Talk to him but at the same time don't let him hold you back by his hesitating.
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In a nutshell? Stop trying to win his approval, because he's not worth it. He's being the proverbial cur in the manger. He doesn't want to date you, but he doesn't want anyone else to date you. He's being selfish, jealous and possessive, which are not qualities you want in a platonic male friend. He's pretty much going to make your life miserable until he puts on his man pants and just sucks it up. He lost you, and now some other man will get the best of you. He's kicking himself for it.
With the mindset he's got now, you won't be able to prove to him that you're doing things for yourself. And you know what? You shouldn't HAVE to prove it. A reasonable guy would be happy for you.
It's not impossible to be friends with an ex, if they're willing to let the past be the past and move on. He clearly isn't, and he recognizes that, because he's trying to save you from himself.
My advice to you would be to move on with your life. Some day you may be able to be friends with him, or even date him again. Don't aim for that, though. Aim for happiness and fulfillment. If he just happens to fit the bill, either as a friend or a boyfriend, go for it.
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It sounds like he's a little scared and unsure. Give him some time - technically its still quite a recent break up. Let him know that you care about him and that its important to you that he is a part of your life, then give him some space and he'll come to you when he's ready, and after a few months, if it seems like he's still not ready, don't worry, but remind him in some small way that he is still important to you. And also let him know that you haven't shut off the romance idea completely, that one day you might want him again, but that right now you need to live your life for yourself and develop into the person you are meant to be independantly.
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First let me say that was quite a story to say the least. Anyway I have seen this kinda stuff happen before and you won't be the last to do so. It seems as if you need a change. Try seeing other people. Once you find another person you like the feelings for other people disperse. However that is just advice if you wanna get over someone and move on. It seems as if you really care about him and him about you. Don't write him off just yet but give it time. Time always heals things. If I didn't hit the issue please message me back I am glad to offer advice.
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Just based on the history you have written here, I couldn't agree with you more; maybe years down the road you could be together but not now.
It sounds like you have been doing really well for yourself with your new job and less shy personality changes. These are two great things and you said they came about thanks to him... but yet they occurred after you two had broken up. Your two years with him could have given you the life experience you needed to lose some of your shyness but it really seems as though your situation improved only after he was out of the picture.
I am bothered by a few things you said:
1. You were together for two years but on and off for those two years for various reasons.
2. During your relationship he wanted you to change things to "better yourself".
3. The whole paragraph about him being jealous and spiteful and hoping you can "learn to love" whoever you marry.
A relationship is not stable and productive if you are on and off... the whole time you are together. If the relationship is wanted by both people, you would never have times "Off". A mature relationship is going to have ups and downs but you dont just "call it off" for a while for whatever reason and then decide to get back together... this strongly suggests that the relationship should be ended and both people should find someone they are willing to have a relationship with... without having to call things off but rather work through the problems together.
As far as item 2, he wanted you to change things. He wanted you to change these things to better yourself. You should consider whether these things were things you WANTED to change to better yourself. Consider whether he was being controlling or supportive. We all have issues that we would really like to improve upon... but we need to do these things for ourselves, not because our boyfriend (when he feels like being our boyfriend) is telling us to change into something HE thinks we ought to be... or get out! Maybe he has friends who you feel uncomfortable around because his friends are different enough from you that you are uncomfortable with their personalities and need to be with people YOU choose.
Item 3... Given that you two are both in your early 20's it is likely that you have matured faster than him. Did you ever wake up one morning or be sitting having coffee and have this thought that nearly smacked you like a truck? Something like... I have ALWAYS done this particular thing a certain way. always! But... I'm sick of it. I feel liberated! I want to do something different that is unexpected and just might surprise people... and I think I am going to start it NOW! I believe this is our immature brain (you are not developmentally mature until around age 25) making a connection that helps us become mature adults.
He has no right wanting to make you a better person. You already ARE a good person. And without him you landed a better job, became more financially secure, and have an easier time with people. You tell him this and he makes it about him. You didn't care enought about HIM to make these changes when you were with him (during your on times). It is not about him. It is about you and the fact that YOU got a better job without him being a pest. You changed because you had the desire, knew the right people, and because you are good at being YOU.
He hopes you learn to love whoever you marry? Ideally you will meet a man who loves you for you. When things get tough, he doesn't call off the relationship until things smoothe out again. He doesn't threaten you that if you dont do something different then you will have to move out. The two of you will have fun, laugh, experience life together including having friends that you are completely comfortable with. And then, on the occasion you think about him you can hope HE has learned to love another girl because you are so indescribably happy.
The jist of my advice... leave him. Completely. Get to know yourself, what kinds of friends you want in your life, and where you want YOUR life to be 10 years from now. Then start working on it. Finish college, get a great place to live (on your own), meet new people in places you like to be. If you like nature... hang out at a nature preserve and get to know the volunteers there. If you like books, get to know people at the library or bookstore... get involved with people whos lives are similar to how you want YOUR life to be. Think about you and only you until you know who you are and what you want to do and where you want to be. Then, if you meet someone special you will be a strong enough person to give him a part of yourself... but still have yourself where you want to be in life. Once you are happy with your situation in life if your ex approaches you... consider being friends if that is what you both want. If you no longer want it... you are under no obligation to accept.
You became a better person without him... I say keep going. Become the best person you can be. Thats not going to happen with the baggage that he is bringing to the off/on relationship. You don't need that.
If you have read any of my advice column you know I can be long winded. Sorry 'bout that. Our problems just have so many angles that a simiple paragraph is not enough for me to spill out all my thoughts.
Be daring. Be strong. Be yourself. Enjoy life. Best of luck!
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