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Is something wrong with me? What's my deal?
22/f
Okay, due to my past, my heart has literally turned black. I don't trust guys and it find it very hard to even maintain a conversation with them. Like they'll ask to meet with me (because honestly the guys that try to talk to me are from like Mocospace and chatlines or whatever and yes I know they are bad places or whatever), but then I shut down and never talk to them again.
I will not lie, I am a BBW (or in layman terms, "Obese") and on the account of my low-self esteem, I have been talken to and used for sex numerous times, to the point where I don't even want to have sex anymore. I get turned off by the idea of having sex with a man and kinda would rather want to do it with a female... that's how severe it has been.
Why is it that I shut down when it comes to guys now? I tell them the truth about myself as far as my looks are concerned but I still stop talking to them....
There is another guy that I have known for a year who adores me, and I admit that I have slept with him before and then I shut down on him to. After it happened I stopped talking to him. Then he found me again and is trying so hard for me to date him, but to be honest, I am not really attracted to him and he is a little cocky for me...
I don't know what to do. I am at a complete loss. What can I do? Where can I meet guys? I am in college but attend a large college so talking to guys is scary especially if your are new to campus.
I know have a lot of good qualities about me... but I think guys can't get past my exterior... so Idk... any advice will be greatly appreciated...
How can I stop shutting down on guys and where can I meet decent guys that will likely accept me for me?
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Want to answer more questions in the Relationships category?
Maybe give some free advice about: Love Life?
First of all, you have to accept and love yourself just the way you are. It all starts from there and I believe this is the center of your problems. You have to embrace and love the good qualities that you have as a person and as a woman. You have to believe and know that you deserve better treatment than what you're getting. If you believe you're not good enough, you will be putting yourself at the mercy of any man. You will allow them to treat you as they please. As far as shutting down to men, it is clear that you distrust them but you also have to give yourself a chance. You have just given up on yourself and on men. The best thing would be to change that and you have the power too. You are aware that there's a man in your life that adores you. He love's you and sees the beautiful in you. You just have to learn to accept him with his flaws and give him a chance. Nobody is perfect, and life wouldn't be meaningful and gorgeous if it was perfect. :)
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friends first. that would be my suggestion. if guys ask you on a date say your not datting now. be friends. if someone likes you and they rally want YOU they will do what the have to be near you.
join clubs.. sports and typ of organization to meet people.
get a group going. make friends that are girls and guys.. you can meet pople through other people.
stay away from the internet.
i hate to say this but maybe if you have ben burned maybe you need to take some time off from being with guys.
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No man is worth it If they just look at the outside.. Love wouldnt be real if thats all people looked at. You sound like you have a good heart and an awesome person to be. So be yourself and dont let people bring you down. For th shutting down on guys. well just try to be open if you think it feels right if not then its fine to shut down. youll find someone good for you eventually. wait for the right guy.. make conversations with guys. try to find what you do like about guys and what you dont. Let them get to know you not what they see.
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all women to me are beautiful i dont look at weight, looks, or skin color its whats in the inside, trust me their are many guys like me that would date a beautiful woman like u
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I agree: Stop looking for love.
I am a 23 obese female. I don't use the term BBW to describe myself.
I had sex with a couple of people I shouldn't have and am disappointed in myself with that, too.
So, a few years ago I had just graduated college and was working at a little grocery store. This man came in and we talked very briefly while I checked out his groceries. He came in fairly frequently and we talked just a little here and there.
One night he said, "Hey, have you tried the new Taco Bell down the road?"
I hadn't. As a matter of fact, I hadn't eaten fast food in awhile. So, I told him I knew nothing of it.
He asked me if I'd like to go and have a bite to eat when my work shift was done--just as friends. I was pretty shocked and stumbled at finding the words. I agreed and met him after work.
We were friends for a bit. We went out nearly every weekend and had Taco Bell together. I tried to help him with some relationship problems he was having. We had some good times.
When his relationship had broken and he could not mend it (the woman did some really stupid stuff) then I told him that I had a crush on him. To my surprise, he said he'd like to go on a real date with me. We did.
Three years later? Married :)
I wasn't looking for love at all. We started out only being friends. We didn't jump in the sack right away. I met him doing normal, daily things.
Looking makes you easy. You are more vulnerable because you're waiting for some prince charming. A lot of really bad guys KNOW this and will use you in every way they can until you figure out that you're worth more than them.
Sex doesn't mean love.
Love doesn't mean sex.
You can love someone with all of your heart and never have sex with them. THAT is the kind of guy you truly want. A guy you say, "Look, to be honest, I don't want to have sex until I am married off..." And if he stays, agrees to it, and loves you just as much then he's a real keeper. No, you don't REALLY have to wait until you're married off but making him wait and believe there won't be a time "soon" that you will give it up is a great way to spot the bad ones.
I don't believe the problem is that you're afraid of getting hurt though.
Maybe, deep down inside, you do want to be hurt.
Maybe, deep down inside, you're waiting for the knight in shining armor to ride up on his white horse and rescue you from everything you hate.
That doesn't exist. We both know this.
You have to find someone you can be friends with. Build a friendship. Enjoy making last memories. Go to the movies, out to Taco Bell ;), and whatever else is just fun. Don't think about relationships, sex, or anything beyond a normal, healthy friendship.
Then, one day, maybe you say, "I kind of like this guy...more than as a friend..." and can say, "Hey, NAME, we've been friends for a little while now and...I like you."
Step away from "relationships"
Step away from "sex"
Step away from stereotyping yourself.
My husband? Isn't really hard-up for overweight women like me. He loves me though and supports me in everything that I do.
Some guys are really turned-off by the BBW term, by the way. If you absolutely must be " out there, looking " then stop using BBW. BBW attracts guys who find overweight women easy. BBW makes other guys cringe.
Why cringe?
Being an overweight woman doesn't necessarily make you beautiful. Women who use the BBW also seem to feel a little...full of themselves...when they talk about it.
You're an overweight 22 year old woman. Beautiful? Quite possibly but try to describe that beauty rather than just saying "Yeah, I'm beautiful." You say, right here, you have great qualities about you. THAT is what you want them to notice. Sure, tell them you're overweight though. You just don't have to become the stereotypical fat woman.
(Fat is not an insult.)
In addition, if you absolutely must fill out online match-making forms that consider trying to lose weight by exercise. When you say you're overweight but have been going to the gym to drop some weight a lot of guys say, "Oh, so she actually cares about her appearance...cool."
With all of that said, I still do not recommend you be actively seeking.
Just do your normal things though. Talk to people as they come and go. Smile a lot and share information with others that you find particularly interesting. Some guy, some where, will want to be friends and maybe down the road it will bloom into something more.
You're 22. If you don't find guy right now then that's OK. He'll come in time.
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I think NinjaNeer's answer is very close to perfect. I just want to stress a point. You can not love someone if you have no respect for yourself first. Loving who you are first, gives you the strength you need to give of yourself to another in a relationship. You said it yourself, "I know I have a lot of good qualities about me." Go and RUN with that. Find yourself, love yourself, and as Ninja said...don't look. Because as you are making yourself happy....others WILL notice and there is nothing more sexy than a happy self confident woman.
You take good care of yourself. --Todd
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My heart goes out to you. I'm 22 as well, and I used to have the same sort of problems.
One thing you need to remember is that you aren't defined by your weight. You talk about guys accepting you for you; thing is, your fat isn't you, and you have to remember that. What makes you special isn't your fat, it's who you are on the inside.
What you've done up to this point is you've used sex to try and gain a sense of closeness. It's not working, because sex without emotion is horrendously disappointing, and you're realizing this. This behaviour needs to stop.
In my first year of university, I did some things I wasn't proud of. I slept with a couple of guys I didn't care about, and fooled around with a bunch more. I didn't think anyone could ever possibly be romantically interested in me, because I was overweight. I felt a need to be close to others, and I got that feeling from sexual activity, but immediately following it I would feel ashamed, dirty and disappointed in myself. I knew that the guys didn't respect me, that they didn't care about me, and that I was disrespecting myself to get that high of physical contact. Sound at all familiar?
What ended up happening with me was sort of weird. I dated a guy who was a chubby chaser (had a thing for overweight women), and he dumped me because I cut my hair short. He was a shallow jerk. He also dumped me on my birthday, immediately after having sex with me, by telling me that there was another girl he was going to pursue. I got angry. REALLY angry.
Anger was the best thing for me at that point in time. Being that furious gave me the strength to change my life abruptly. It gave me a new sense of self-respect. I decided I wasn't going to date for a year, and I wasn't going to do anything sexual with a guy I hadn't dated for at least 3 months. Within 2 days I met the man who became my fiance within a year from that date. Funny how things work out, isn't it?
My point in sharing this is to show you that before you even think about meeting a new man, you have to abandon your old habits. The definition of insanity is trying the same thing over and over and expecting different results, right? This is why things won't work out with the guy who's crazy about you... you've already discounted him as just another of the herd. It's also why you don't find the idea of sex appealing, and why you shut down on men you have sexual contact with.
Make a promise to yourself, today. Promise that you won't have sex unless you LOVE the guy. Tell yourself that you DO deserve to be loved for who you are. Not "in spite of" your exterior, but exclusive of it. I have fluctuated from 190 lbs when I met my fiance to 265 lbs (after a crisis and a change in medication) and now I'm going back down (240 lbs). Does he care? Does he find me unappealing? No, except for legitimate concerns about my health. That's what you deserve to find, and you will find it.
With that in mind, the best way to find a decent guy is to stop looking. Focus on developing friendships, because that's where the best relationships come from. Join a club or two so you can meet people with similar interests. Focus on making yourself happy. If you're unhappy with your weight and you feel like it's holding you back, try to lose it if you feel ready. Trust me when I say I know it's not easy, because I'm doing it right now. Do everything in your power to make yourself happy, healthy and fulfilled, without resorting to casual sex. The rest will follow. Men appreciate a woman who respects herself. Believe it or not, even at over 250 lbs, I was still getting guys asking me out... guys who have dated very attractive, slim women.
Other than that, make sure you're dressed nicely (no shapeless sacks, avoid trendy clothes that are unflattering *cough*leggings*cough*), wear a bit of makeup, do your hair and take good care of yourself (eat healthy food, exercise). The main concern that guys have with overweight women is the idea that we don't take care of ourselves. If you can show otherwise, then you're golden.
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