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should we be friends?
I met my ex bf when I was 19 & he was 20. He went to an away college after us being together for 2 months. He was head over heels for me & would have asked to marry me within a year. I thought I loved him but I didn't because I cheated on him 3 months into our relationship. He came back for the weekend to visit & found out from one of my ex friends that I cheated. He asked me, I lied and said NO. He talked to my ex friend and then came to my work and asked again, I lied through my teeth. He finally had had enough and broke up with me and I admitted to it (October). I do know why I cheated. He went back to school. A couple weeks later we tried to be together again. (i was now 20, him 20) We broke up at the end of December because I wasn't doing everything to show him that he could trust me again. We somehow started dating again in the beginning of January. I saw him during Spring Break which was in March for a week. Then end of March, early April we both called it off. Neither of us could do it. I drove down to see him because I realized I didn't want to lose him. He told me, he didn't want to be with me and had moved on. (me 20, him 21) In June he came back home. We started dating again. Sometime in June or July, he went to the phone store, met a girl, had a good 1 to 2hr conversation and exchanged numbers with her. Told me about it a day later, I freaked, told him never to talk to her. Then his sister was trying to hook him up w some girl she knew (his sister knew we were dating but doesn't like me). I found out because I was leaving out of town in August, we were spending time together & I saw the text so he explained. I was iffy about leaving for a month with all this going on. He went to vegas with a couple guys & went to his sisters bday dinner & club with her friends. I came back & things were going alright. I was texting a guy friend I met when we were broken up but he knew I had a bf & he had no possiblity of dating me because he knew how much my bf meant to me (ill call him tim). Then one day, out of the blue, I got a 1am text from a guy I met when my bf & I were broken up in April. I texted both of those guys and one more, telling them I want nothing to do with them anymore because I love my bf and I will do anything for him. In December, he told me he finally trusted me. End of December, he told me he didn't trust me & just wanted to tell himself he did. After New Years, he came to talk to my mom. My mom told him that he can't be with me if he didn't trust me & we tried it again. I was now having a hard time trusting him but at the same time I did. About a week ago we broke up because, I wasn't trusting him, I was smothering him and maybe some other reasons he failed to mention & I don't remember. We talked last Friday and I spent the weekend with him, we had a great time. On our way back from our trip, we decided to be friends with benefits. Monday night he asked me to stay the night, we had a couple drinks & he saw that my friend Tim texted me asking how I was doing. I don't remember exactly what I said but I said somethings to him that werent nice and him as well and I left. He told me he's done with me and is moving on, he doesn't want to be my friend, he's not going to hurt either of us by getting back with me again. I told him okay I'm gone. Then a couple minutes after this told me, we should take some off and if we decide then to be friends, we can. I never replied back to this text. So after my LONG relationship I tried to shorten up, why does he want to be friends? What's going on?
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There are basically only two options as to why this has been dragged on so long:
1. He wants to be friends because there is something you showed to him that he wishes he could have back. That isn't going to come back because it disappeared when you cheated. You both are too broken to restore that.
2. You're easy now. He can pick you up and drop you at any time and you will always return when he wants it. You will always believe that everything was your fault as to why he dumped you "this" time. You will give him anything he wants ("Gee golly! Sure, we'll be friends with benefits! That will fix everything!"), any time he wants. You're just an easy person now for him to use when he needs a pick-me-up.
This entire relationship is a mess. It was ruined the very moment you cheated on him. At this point, there is no way it is going to work out for either of you. It's too broken to be fixed right now.
Step away from this entire mess. Do it now. You need to confront him and tell him that it has come to where you must draw the line and move on with your life without him. Don't try to be friends. Don't give him one last fling with you before you break it off. Be a woman and tell him that you understand you ruined the relationship years ago and that you now realize that it cannot be fixed.
Then part ways. Don't call him, text him, etc. What you're living right now is incredibly unhealthy for your mental state. You will never understand what love is if you continue with this.
The hard truth is that this relationship cannot and will not work unless you step away right now and mean it. The longer you persue this, the more damage you are doing to your mentality. The more you go back-and-forth and give him sex so you two can "friends with benefits" the less you understand what a real relationship means.
So, tell him that you're done with this and that you wish him a swell life. Then move on, seriously! Watch how other couples interact, take some time away from the dating scene, and then grow as a person. Understand what a relationship means before getting in another one. Understand all of the mistakes that were made in this relationship in a rational way. Take some classes on relationships--in the workplace, romantic, family, friendly, etc. Learn what it means to be in each of those sorts of relationships.
Example: Just because you're head-over-heels for this guy what he says may not be the honest truth. Where you REALLY smothering him or were you trying to be a good, loving girlfriend? Look at it rationally and don't go based on what he has said. He is just as messed up as you are right now. If he is using you (and now it's just become naturally for him to do this if it is the truth) then what he says may just be manipulation purposes.
Learn what a relationship is and after you feel you've grown (and I'm sure it will take plenty of time...years even?) then you can call him up to be FRIENDS! Friends. Not "friends with benefits." Not "friends with..." anything. Not "good" or "great" or "close" friends. Just friends. Just talking to eachother and hanging out sometimes. A healthy friendship.
You're young and I understand how things like this happen. I understand that you won't want to believe that he isn't such a great person in this relationship either. You may even try to defend him and say that he was never using you. The truth is that he probably has been for quite some time, but probably unintentionally. He felt you owed him for the pain you caused him and so he tried to take what you owed him and you, gladly, gave it to him. See what I'm saying? He isn't a bad person but the relationship was broken a long time ago and BOTH of you didn't understand that.
It's time you two stopped trying to make this work and move on with life. Give each other the chance to grow up and learn mistakes from the past. Going 'round and 'round hasn't helped so far, has it? It's not going to. It won't ever just magically "work" and "be right" again unless you take time to move on from this.
Learn to be without him. Learn to love and understand what that means. Learn to have respect for yourself and not sleep with some boy just because he says he loves you and you desperately do want him to love you. Learn what it is like to live, to make someone else truly happy, and to have a healthy life of your own.
In time you will look back and be horrified at what has gone on in this relationship. You'll be shocked that you ever let any of that happen. You'll work hard in the next relationship you're in so that you don't make those same, childish mistakes.
For now, let him know that is truly is over. Don't be mean about it. It's, essentially, the death of this situation. You both need to grow by yourselves. It needs to happen now if you ever want to be in a healthy situation with another person.
I hope all goes smoothly. Try to keep your mind off of him after your talk so that you don't fall back into this cycle. Keep occupied. Pick up some college courses that may interest you. Start spending time helping other people. A great way is to get involved with volunteering--you get to people-watch and understand different kinds of relationships that way too without having to put yourself in the middle of them right away.
If you have any more questions please feel free to inbox me :)
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He's angry, you had a fight, he wants to be with you but you've both broken each other pretty badly.
Honestly, you need to move on, not talk to him for six months, and use that time to find a guy and not cheat on him. You're both too dumb and horny to stay friends and stay away from each other, its time to move on and put some years between you and him.
It is possible, maybe, that with some time to both grow up you two could work things out. It won't happen now, you need to get some perspective and you both need time to heal from the shit you've put each other through. Get out, give each other complete space, spend some time worrying about you and your life rather than working shit out with him, and then explore the new options you're presented with when you look at dating again in six months.
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I'm thinking what he was trying to say is that you can't be friends now, but maybe someday with time you can be.
Relationships, like everything else, are partly habit. Right now you two date then break up all the time. You are probably not meant for each other romantically. You need to put time & distance between you for now. Break the habit. Who knows, you may meet 10 years from now and be able to laugh about it as friends. But not soon.
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First: Please, please, please, please, write in paragraphs. This was so hard to read.
Second: You aren't going to like what I'm about to say.
This isn't a relationship. It hasn't been for a long time. You can't be on and off like this, dramatic and painful like this, and expect love and trust to happen. Human beings don't work like that. And then you wanna to try right at the end to be FWB?! Are you Crazy?! That NEVER saves a relationship.
All you two have done for the better part of the last year now is kept on fucking each other, but the relationship has been dead for a long while.
I think he was smart to say no to friendship in the first place, he just chickened out after the fact. But you ought to say no to friendship as well. You two have already realized each time you hang out you fall back into bed, and into a doomed miserable relationship.
Neither of you trust the other, neither of your behave all that well to each other, and you keep acting out the same old story of 'get together, break up'.
Stop worrying about what is going through his head! You can�t control it.
What is going on is that you are getting an opportunity to free of this mess. Take it the way out, or you will find yourself in pretty much the exact same position in another six months, and another year after that, and so on until you finally just let it go.
Accept this relationship is no longer a good idea for either of you.
Learn from this, and treat the next guy better, and expect him to treat you better.
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