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I don't know how to be a girlfriend
Alright so.. I'm just gonna jump right into it I guess.
throughout highschool I was in a relationship with someone that caused me a lot of pain and stress. we dated for four years and then ended on really bad terms. at the time, I thought I loved him, but in retrospect I definately did not. But I stayed with him because inside I was terrified that if I ended things, no one else would ever want me.
But eventually we did break up and to my suprise, people did want me. Lots of people in fact. I've dated around since (we broke up last April so I guess for around 10 or 11 months now) and for the most part being single has treated me really good
so good in fact that I really, really haven't been seeking a relationship at all. I'm normally very straightforward with my partners, in fact most of them know from the day I meet them that I'm not interested in being somebodies girlfriend. Just the idea of it makes me feel.. honestly physically sick. I look back on my relationship and see how twisted and poisonus it was, and how much he manipulated and controlled me over the course of those four years. I was very cut off from my friends and loved ones and it made it so hard to get out. I didn't feel valuable and I was sad all the time.
This, on top of some abuses in my childhood that I won't delve too much into, has made me really wary about every putting myself in a similar situation. I've been treated so poorly by men throughout my life & I've really reached a point of feeling like I can't trust people.
Anyways, so that brings me to my current situation. Around two months ago I started texting this guy.. we have a lot of mutual friends, and his number was in my cellphone so I just kinda randomly decided to start chatting him up. I knew who he was and had always thought he was pretty attractive and whatnot but never really gave him any thought because he was out of my league, as far as I was concerned.
But we instantly hit it off and just had so much to talk about. I really liked him right from the second I 'met' him, if you could call it that. Anyways I won't detail the whole courtship because no one wants to read that, but basically we ended up meeting, and chilling, and hooking up. It all happened very quickly and came so easily. It really felt natural and at the time soo good.
Since then, we've been seeing eachother every couple days for about a month and a half. when I see him, I normally spend the night, then most of the following day with him. we have a lot of sex (often three times per visit) and he is by far the best lover I've ever had. Plus we connect really well intellectually and we make eachother laugh constantly and everything just.. flows. There is an obvious emotional attachment that has been building up, enough that we both comment about it. Anyways, lately he has been dropping hints like crazy that he wants to be my boyfriend, and I feel like.. I should want to. Because I do want him. I can picture a future with him and I like it. I enjoy every minute of my time with him and when he goes away I feel so depressed, despite knowing I'll see him again soon. I talk to him every day, every opportunity I get, and we're constantly seeking out eachothers company and trying to align our schedules.
But I feel angry, sick, and absolutely terrified every time he says anything about a relationship. I warned him from the day we met that I didn't want one and now here he is, pressing me to be with him, and I like everything about him and I don't have an excuse but.. I just wanna run in the opposite direction as fast as I possibly can. If it were anybody else, if he hadn't already developed into a close friend and if I thought I wouldn't be destroyed if I lost him, I would have already bolted.
But all I want is for things to stay the same. And I feel him pressing and I don't know if he's gonna wait for me. And I'm not sure if I should even make him wait because he has been so great in every way, and more than I deserve, and he's soo much more attractive than me (lol I know it's shallow that it's a factor, but honestly, I couldn't have imagined that a guy like him would ever look at me. He's just so beautiful and I'm completely addicted to every inch of him and it makes it soo much harder to differentiate affection from lust..), and who knows if I'll ever find anyone so compatible to me agian? I mean I really have been blessed to meet him, and I think that sincerely. He's perfect and I just wish I could make myself fit together with him but.. I don't know how.
When I think about a relationship I still get that sickening, dreadful weight in my stomach. And when he suggests it I just feel like somethings horribly wrong and he wants to manipulate and control me in just that same way. Even though from everything I've learned about him, he would never do that and doesn't even seem to have the capacity really. It wouldn't be in his nature. He's a better person than I am in every apparent way and yet.. I can't bring myself to trust him for even a second. It's so scary because.. if someone this perfect can't change my thinking, can anyone? Am I really gonna be alone forever?
I don't want to lose him but I also don't want to be with him. And I feel like at some point he is gonna offer an ultimatum. I don't know if I should just say.. fuck it, if he isn't willing to wait then he isn't worth it, or if I should reconsider? Because I mean seriously from his perspective, I wouldn't want to wait for someone with no promise of it ever changing either, who literally feels physically sick at the aspect of a relationship with me. It isn't fair to ask. He should have everything he wants but.. part of me feels like he expects too much or I'm too little or something along those lines. I just can't imagine the relationship being anything more than stress and pain and constant anxiety over losing him.
I'm so scared that something inside me is broken for good and that I'm never going to be able to offer someone more than casual sex.
I don't want to be that girl but.. I'm so sick of being alone and I can't force myself to be close to someone, and what else is there then? Physical intimacy is the only kind I can stand.. and it's better than none at all.
I just don't know what to do. I don't know if I should cut him loose and just forget all of this and continue as I was. If I should beg him to wait. Or if I should just jump.. Because I know he's a good person, who cares deeply about me and has no apparent intention of doing anything to hurt me. Because he's quickly becoming my best friend, and I don't want to use the word 'love' so early but.. I couldn't have imagined or fantasized a better partner if I tried. He really is among the best people I've ever met, and by far the best person that I've ever been sexually attracted to. I love his mind and his way of thinking and his strength and his sincerity and.. I just wish I were better somehow, and this came easier. But ever since it started getting serious it's been nothing but stress and late-night crying and watching shitty love movies, as far as I'm concerned. :P If a relationship is good, then why does the mere idea make me feel so very very bad? It's like someone puts a plastic bag over my head, and I just feel suffocated and blind and scared beyond explanation..
So uhh yea, what should I do? :P
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just an update for anyone who might have been curious
he did end up asking me out tonight & I said no (despite the most of the advice I recieved)
I really appreciate everyone's help. In the end I just feel like if it were right, I wouldn't be so terrified.
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It's completely understandable that you feel this way. I mean, four years in an abusive relationship is a long time. Not to mention the previous abuse.
This is a really delicate situation. I will tell what I know from what you've posted:
1. It's not just lust. Yes you like his body and you think he's attractive, but that's not all you were raving about. You talked about him as a person and the time you too spend together.
2. The word "girlfriend" or "relationship" has a bad meaning in your mind. You panic when he uses it. But ask yourself this: If you were to give in and let him give you the title of girlfriend, what exactly would change in your current relationship with him? Because to me, it sounds like you're already in a relationship with the guy, you just havne't made it official yet. Think about that.
You're right in not expecting him to wait for you forever, but you're also right that he should wait. You said you told him from the beginning you didn't want anything serious, but does he know the reason? Maybe you should sit him down and explain it to him. After that, there's gonna be a bit of compromising from both of you. He may need to take things slow and maybe give you a little bit more time, and you may need to jump in and agree to slowly ease into the girlfriend position.
But like I said before, it sounds like you and this guy are already serious. The title just scares you. Sometimes fear grips us in such a way that we are incapable of doing much of anything else. We rationalize our descisions and make excuses. Don't let your fear ruin what could possibly be the best relationship of your life. Let him help you. Just because you have to jump in doesn't mean he can't be right beside you holding your hand when you do.
Good luck!
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Four years is a long time, People heal in their own ways, They cope by trying to move on... but sometimes it takes a little longer to get over some things then we predict. You spend four years in a unhealthy relationship and you stayed in the relationship because after so long of putting up with a bunch of crap you become immune to it and you begin to believe you can't do any better. One month, 6 months or even almost a year sometimes it takes a while to heal from something that happened for so long.
You've tried the single route it worked well for you and now new people want to have a relationship with you but let me ask you one question...Are you ready? This guy that you have text wants to date you but is pressuring you to try and be in a relationship with him...Hm I've always said this but if he the guy respects you enough then he should wait until you are ready to be in a relationship because that is the respectful thing to do. What you should do is try and talk to him and explain to him that you just want to be friends and that you will take it from there. If he likes you enough and wants to date you enough then he will respect your choices. Many people who don't give themselves time to heal and jump into relationships end up feeling overwhelmed, stressed, confused, doubtful however don't get me wrong but it all depends on the person because some of us get over it quicker than others. You crying and watching shitty movies is perfectly fine because it is your way of coping.
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You should definitely reconsider. I understand that your previous relationship was really shitty, and that it's made you wary, but this guy sounds awesome, and like he might be your perfect fit.
I really think that you should give him a chance. He really likes you, and you really like him. I don't see any reason not to stay and see where this goes. If he does end up hurting you, then I give you permission to be bitter, but for now, take the chance.
If you don't take this chance, you might always wonder what could've happened and you'll regret it for the rest of your life.
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you get sick everytime you think of a relationship because you had a bad last relationship. relationships aren't suppose to be like that and i'm glad you ended it. when you're in a relationship with someone it doesn't mean they have any right to control you. you're your completely own individual. it sounds like you're really into this guy so i say why not just chance it? you'll probably regret it more if you don't, cause then you'll never know what you could have gotten out of it. every relationship is different and also remember that you can call it off at any time if you feel you have to.
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