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Really sorry it's so long, but I feel desperate.
I really don’t believe that posting this or any other problem on the net will REALLY help, cos either way, I’m gonna feel the same etc..
But I’m trying to do anything here, maybe ranting to strangers will help, I don’t know!
I don’t want any sympathy, I JUST WANT HELP. I’m sure you get a lot of posts like this here but please don’t give me cliche lines like ‘things will get better’ , ‘You’ll feel better in time’ or ‘You have people who care about you’ …..It will be a waste of your time.
If anyone does have any suggestions that genuinely will help, then I’d really appreciate that..
I am beyond the point of feeling bad…I’m just completely past it. I feel like RUBBISH absolute rubbish EVERY SINGLE DAY. I went through some crappy depressive periods as a teen,a ll of which I got over, but this is unbearable.
I think really bad thoughts, about just ending it, ending everything, which results in me feeling really selfish, and I feel horrible for even considering doing something like that to the few people who care about me…..I mean, I’ve even gone to the lengths of planning the whole thing out, where it would happen, how it would happen, what I’ll say to people I’ll leave behind. It’s gone to the extent that, anything I say, or things other people say, stick in my head and I think, ‘I wonder will they remember me saying this and see it as something more when I’m gone’ or people say something completely innocent and in my mind, there’s only one thing it can relate to, and that’s thinking about how I’ll finish myself off..
In one way I don’t want to be a coward and just give up on life and take the easy way out, when many people have it worse, but I honestly cannot help it, there are some days when I come SO close to doing something, I actually really genuinely scare myself. I don’t talk to other people, and I won’t. I’m not that kind of person, I know you’re probably gonna say ‘It will help to get it off your chest’, well, that’s why I’m doing it here. I cannot talk to people, even the people that I used to be absolute best friends with, I barely talk to anymore.
At that, even WHEN I talk to them (or anyone) I act really, really happy.. Like TOO happy, I just have too put it on so much cos I never, ever feel like talking to anyone, or participating in things that everyone else loves doing I just, I know it’s really sad, but this is something that I cannot help, despite trying for years… I’m always the one that laughs the loudest, and seems to be having the most fun, when I really have to just..stop myself from crying and really try and seem happy, when I feel like **** inside.
I don’t wanna go all depressive cliche here but I have to be as honest as I can so, sorry.
Every tiny thing pisses me off, and since I’m never happy and I fake being happy SO much, that every now and again I just snap and can’t pretend anymore and then everyone’s like, why are you sad, you’re always so happy…
I always pass it off as just ‘a bad mood’ or ‘one of those days’ and no one knows that I feel like this ALL THE TIME. Everything irritates me, I get angry at everything, I can barely stand ANYONE I know anymore, not even my family.
I just feel like I want to be away from everyone, and I feel almost jealous when someone else talks about their problems to me, cos I know I can never do that… I know that’s irrational …. but so is a lot of this.
I just feel crap, and I’m fed up of going through the extremes of faking to be really ecstatic every day, and then really, really depressed the rest of the time.
I genuinely feel like I can’t do it anymore.
I don’t fear for myself as much as I used to, there has been times (one in particular) where I really felt like I was going to end my life, I felt like I had to.
But I didn’t, I got over the absolute extreme of it, and back to feeling extremely glum every day, rather than suicidal.
But now and then, I feel it coming back. That feeling creeps back in sometimes, and I do things to take my mind off it but nothing does.
I’m safe for now, but I do know for a fact that someday, the one ending my own life will be me.
For now, I just needed to let this all out somewhere….You can judge all you want, it won’t bother me.
Thanks for reading all this, any of you that are and sorry it’s so long and probably going to put a downer on you all, but that’s what this place is for I guess..I also apologise if some of this is uncomprehendable, I kinda just typed whatever came to my mind so..
Another thing, this isn’t OVER anything, there isn’t any major events that may have triggered this, in the past few years I’ve gone through about six funerals, all of very close friends/ family, and I got through it. It isn’t because of that, or the fact that I don’t get on with some people. It’s not over some stupid guy that dumped me, like a lot of the posts I see here, I’m not that naive.. So don’t ask if there’s anything that could have triggered this, I’m just like this for no appearant reason, and have been for many, many years…It’s just, the last few months it’s gotten way, way worse to the point all the above is happening… I mean, today, I feel pretty down, but compared to what I usually feel, this is normal for me. I haven’t felt like going out, or talking to anyone, and this is one of the good days.
I’m fine right now, but I KNOW for an absolute fact that if I don’t do something, I’m gonna be back where I was a few weeks ago, planning my own end, thinking about how it will happen, thinking about how much I want it to happen.
I don’t want to be like that, I don’t WANT it to happen that way.
I can feel myself getting like that again sometimes, and I NEED to do something, before it gets too late, not to sound dramatic or anything, but that’s literally how it is. Please don't suggest going to the doctor or anything cos it isn't really an option for me, besides the fact that I'm not comfortable about going on medication so early in my life, I don't want to depend on drugs to stay happy for the rest of my life..
Anyway, I’ll leave it at that.. Thanks in advance for help.
Signed,
Desperate :’(
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Something you need to know... Depression is not what makes people suicidal. The more studies they are doing on people who struggle with suicidal tendencies, the more doctors are finding out that being suicidal is not a symptom caused by or even necessarily a part of clinical depression. Instead they're learning that it's a totally separate disorder which is most likely caused by a chemical imbalance in the brain. It's true that in many cases a person who attempts suicide or is plagued by suicidal thoughts also suffers from some sort of depression as well, but the depression is not what causes a person to want to kill themselves. I guess that's why treating a person for depression who is also suicidal rarely proved to be an effective treatment in preventing the patient's further attempts of suicide. My case in point, is that you need to see a Doctor, preferably one who specializes in the treatment of suicide and not just some shrink who's still stuck in thinking that you're just suffering from depression and wants to give you medication for only half of your problem. Look I understand the way you feel about not being dependent on some pill just to make you get through life instead of truly feeling happiness on your own. But if getting better is what you want more then anything else because you realize that you have an illness that you CANNOT control through mind over matter or whatever else people try to tell you you need to do, then wouldn't you be willing to at least give different treatment options a chance? If you close the door to something before even knowing if it could help you or not, then to me it sounds like you aren't as desperate or even really as committed to getting better as you may think you are. I feel for you, because the way you're living right now must be so confusing and lonely and I wish I could be someone who could somehow be the one who convinces you that LIFE can even be beautiful for you. But hey, if you are absolutely convinced that you will die a victim to your own affliction, then who am I to intervene in someone else's manifest destiny? I pray that you take someone's advice and are able to find a doctor who can give you the tools that you need in order to make your life into the one you want. Because no one on this earth deserves to live a decent and fulfilling life more then anyone else and that includes YOU. You are suffering from a chemical imbalance that can either be treated, or it can completely consume you and possibly even take your life. It's ultimately your choice to either recognize you need help and to do whatever you can to learn about your condition as well as keeping a completely open mind to whatever treatment might be out there to help you break free from the constant suffering you are going through. Before I close, I want you to know that I have lost three friends of mine to suicide and have a very close friend who's mother committed suicide during his youth. I cannot claim to even remotely understand what it's like for a person who is living with the kind of pain which is so dismal, that the only option left to ease that suffering is to end the life which is binding them to it, because quite honestly I have no clue. However I can tell you a tragic coincidence I've noted in each situation that ended in suicide: The ones who are truly good, beautiful and pure of heart seem to be unable to cope with the ugliness of the world we live in. Their sensitive natures get beaten on so much harder then what most unfeeling people even have the ability to understand and by the time they've lived a fraction of their lives they can no longer stay a float. Almost as if their souls grow weary long before their bodies do...I in no way condone suicide and I am not speaking for every case of suicide because all I can do is compare those that I've lost and no one else. However I would like to say that wherever those lost ones are now, I truly hope that they are no longer suffering or else they lost their lives in vain. Ok well that's it for me, I guess. I hope that you find the answer that you're looking for even if my long winded attempt is the last place on earth you'd even consider finding it in. Thanks for reading and God Bless... -Rosie
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Dear Desperate,
I knew a girl she was beautiful who was the life of the party and she made everyone feel welcome. I'm very shy but she would always make sure to say "hi" to me everytime she saw me with a big smile and she would be so welcoming. Last July she killed herself. I was so affected by this my whole community was because she had made an impacted and she didn't even know it. Right now, I always question why was she so unhappy and why did she do it? Sadly we'll never know.
I understand where you are coming from I've had dark times...and sometimes I still do but then I rememember I have a lot going for me and how exciting it is to see what's up on the road ahead. I know you don't want people telling you to talk to someone I didn't either until finally one day it hit me that I had to and its helping a bit. I go through my times but when it happens I think of that girl who took her life. I think of how you upset and hurt so many people and how she made this big whole in everyones hearts. Truth is no matter how much you feel like letting go you can't...if you didn't want help or advice you wouldn't have posted. I can say everything in the book the cliches of "Seek help or advice", "Talk to your parents", or "Talk to your friends/ teacher". The thing is you might not follow the advice I've given you. If you want help you'll get it but not by my terms but by your own. What its going to come down to to is if you want to change the situation? You can change your hair, your clothes, your make-up, or where you live and you're still going to feel the way you do.
I wish I could have told this to the girl I knew I wish I could have said one thing to her to make her know that she wasn't alone and that she didn't have to do what she did. Once you take your life like that theres no coming back and theres no second chance. You need to do whats right for you! If you need to talk about anything please write me! Good luck!
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I am a great deal older than most of the advisers on this site, so my advice will be somewhat different from what you have received and may continue to receive from others.
As someone who has suffer, unknowingly, form depression for most of my life I know exactly how you feel. You have not gotten over your depression, in fact it would appear from what you have written that your depression may have gotten worse. There is help, lots of it, all you have to do is ask.
The very first thing I will ask of you is if you are feeling as if you want to hurt yourself, please pick up the phone and dial 911. What will happen is the call taker will ask you some questions. While doing this a dispatch of Police, Fire and Ambulance will be being made. Why the Police? The Police are dispatched for everyone protection. They once they make sure you do not have any guns, knives, or other weapons the Fire and Ambulance people are brought in. The Police are also there if the Fire Department has to force entry into your home. Once the scene is secure everyone goes into help mode. I know this as I am a member of a Fire Department Rescue Squad.
I would also like you to make an appointment with a psychiatrist, no I do not think you are crazy or mentally ill. Psychiatrists are better trained to deal with depression then your family doctor. The psychiatrist will most likely prescribe medication and recommend talk therapy to discover the underlying reason for your depression.
I know how you feel about taking a medication, but really what is wrong about taking a pill or two for a month or two or even a year if it makes you feel better. Nothing says you will be on this medication for the rest of your life. Even if you do have to take this medication for the rest of your life what’s the big deal. There are other medications we take to make feel better and keep us safe some are even taken on a daily basis for long periods of time. There is really not a lot of difference here. What this medication does is replace a hormone that your body does not supply enough of.
Should you start feeling bad before you can see a doctor, go to your nearest Hospital Emergency Room. They will help you.
This is a link to phone numbers for National Suicide Hotlines: [Link](Mouse over link to see full location).
These are links to places you can call or visit online if you are in crisis: [Link](Mouse over link to see full location).
[Link](Mouse over link to see full location).
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For the record, I completely understand how you feel. I've struggled with depression myself, as well as had many friends who have gone through it. And that's exactly what you're going through. You'd be surprised how many people have experienced it at one point or another--as well as how curable it is.
If you have a friend that you think won't judge you or tell you anything stupid like "just snap out of it" etc., then I really would recommend trying to talk to somebody about how you're feeling. You'd be amazed how supportive friends can be, and how much it can help knowing that they're there for you.
Even if you don't do that, you need to talk to someone about how you're feeling. A therapist, a counselor at school, someone like that. The way you've been feeling is fully fixable--you do NOT have to keep feeling this way. And it doesn't mean that you're weak or that there's anything wrong with you. You're a very strong, perfectly normal person--you just need some outside help right now to get you back on your feet, just like everyone else does. Nobody can always do everything by themselves. And getting treatment doesn't have to involve any kind of medication. There are numerous different types of therapy available, and if you find the right therapist for you, that alone can have you feeling so much better so quickly.
I recently had to call 911 for a friend who attempted suicide, because he was depressed and would not get treatment. So I personally am going to ask you, both for your own sake and for the sake of the people who love you, to get some kind of help for how you're feeling. If you had cancer, would you go to the doctor? Of course you would, because cancer is life-threatening. And so is depression. You shouldn't treat it any differently.
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You are experiencing depression. I've gone through this myself. I understand EXACTLY what you mean. I used to feel like such a fake because I would act happy and content with friends and family, but inside I was dying. I never really felt like myself. I didn't even know who my real self was. I used to dream about running away and just being alone for a while, but then I realized I'd still be with ME, and that was the main issue. I rarely went out, or made plans to go out because I never knew how I would feel. It was hard to plan anything with friends when I didn't know if I'd be in the pits on a Friday night or not. I used a lot of excuses in those days to get out of plans and get-togethers. Its hard to tell people because you don't know how to express what you're feeling out loud, and because deep down you're afraid of being ridiculed or talked down to, or afraid that you'll get the "pep talks". I know. I've been there. I wallowed in it for years before one day I finally said to myself, enough is enough. I need to get help if I ever want to have a real, normal life. What most people don't get is that depression isn't something you can smile away or wish away or decide not to do. Its serious and people who've never experienced it don't understand. You need outside help. You need a therapist or a counsellor. I don't know if you have access to anything like that. If you're young, maybe talk to the school counsellor or nurse. If you're older, start by asking for a referral from your family doctor (not sure how the health care system works where you are, here we see whoever we want but pay for it ourselves or through insurance). In any event, you need to actively seek a professional to talk to. You'll be amazed at how much just talking to an objective party can help. It can help you get to the root of where all this comes from. I went to therapy for a year, and after that time I was able to quit. I never had to take drugs, thankfully, and I was able to find a way out of my depression. I still have my bad days but I know how to handle them now and I feel better because I know they won't last. You can get better. I'm living proof. You don't have to live with this forever, but you have to take the steps yourself, and reaching out for advice is a great start! Good luck. I know you can do this, and you'll feel so much relief once you do.
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Dear Desperate,
As I've read about your situation, I plan to tell you the truth. I have a friend who's in a similar bind. He's been talking to me as well as mutual friends, and it's helped him out alot. You cannot shut down from the world and wonder what the problem is: well, that is your problem or a major part of it. The best way to get the most out of life is to live it, enjoy it. It would be very selfish of you to leave behind people who love you and those whom you love. I get like that sometimes, but I remember that it's not just about me. Go hang out w/ friends, take a few trips, try to surround yourself w/ positive people. I like the fact that you want the truth, and nothing but the truth. I've pulled a few things from you. Have you ever thought of giving advice?? I say to you, if you can't find a reason for feeling the way you do, it's b/c there isn't one. So, pick yourself, go draw some inspiration from somewhere and enjoy life! You only get one, so make it count!! I hope that helped ;) TTYL
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