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Ex has moved on already
My relationship with my ex was incredibly stressful and destructive. We argued constantly and even though we loved and cared about each other, we couldn't make it work. We were together for about a year but split up at least twice during that period. Eventually, I ended the relationship. He claimed to be heartbroken and kept calling and texting me with angry and hurtful messages.
About a week later, it turned out he was seeing a girl I'd always been suspicious of. He is now having a relationship with her. Although he admitted he was still in love with me, he said he had moved on and refused to discuss it with me. Now he won't talk to me at all.
I know I broke up with him and he has every right to do what he wants but I can't help being hurt and upset. It feels like a betrayal. Although it could just be a rebound thing, it's like he's chosen the one girl he knew would hurt me the most. I can't help but think he didn't really love or care about me if he can move on that quickly. I assumed we had mutual respect for each other and after he tried so hard to guilt trip me and upset me when we split up, I'm surprised that he immediately got into a new relationship.
I want to just forget about it, but I can't stop thinking about the fact that he's with her. I've avoided going out because in case I bump into them and because the girl lives just round the corner from me, I'm scared I'll see her. My ex also goes to my college and is in one of my classes, so I can't avoid him. How can I forget about this? It's making me angry and upset and affecting everything in my life.
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Want to answer more questions in the Relationships category?
Maybe give some free advice about: Love Life?
You know... I went through something similar in that it was sudden, and as much as possible seemed to be done for the explicit purpose of causing me heartache.
This stages of grief thing you may have heard of? It is very real.
I can vouch for this. Perhaps I can also share with you a few things that I found along the way that helped me.
First thing to do would be to read a little bit about the stages of grief:
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... there are MANY references to this which will help you along. Have a search on it and you will find plenty.
The thing that I must tell you to make this useful is that most people expected me to go through these stages in order and on a fairly tight schedule. That isn't how it works, sadly.
I believe that no two people are likely to grieve in the same manner, on the same timeline or in the same stages.
Having said that, and being able to look back on it now... I have to say that as a general outline, it was spot on. These things will happen to you in some order along the way to healing. If you try to fight it it will only prolong the process and hurt you further.
The sudden end of a relationship is a lot like having someone close to you die. When the death happens, it is over. Your relationship with that person is at an end.
Treating the "death" of a romantic relationship as if it was the death of a person was perhaps the most beneficial thing anyone said to help me along the path to recovery. (Thanks YG)
That is the general advice that i hope you will carry with you through life. It will apply many more times in your life, most likely, and I would like to apologize in advance for the next person out there that will let you down. :-(
Here are a couple of specifics to add regarding this particular boy.
First things first. What is Love exactly? Well, my personal best ever idea is very simple: Love is caring about someone else more than you care about yourself.
Simple, straight to the point and very easy to verify.
This boy says he is still in love with you... Ask one question and one question only:
Is what he has done in your relationship demonstrating that he cares more about you than he does himself?
Very obviously not.
Does he love you?
(Insert answer here.)
I know. It hurts to realize that they lied about loving you, doesn't it?
I was married for 10 years... to a woman who told me she loved me every single day... who walked away without a word 3 days before our 10th wedding anniversary.
After she left, her mother and I began to talk and I found out a whole bunch of things I wish I had known.
Example: She only married me to get out of the state she was living in. She intended to leave right away. This means an entire decade of my life was a complete and total waste on her.
If you applied the simple test I gave you to find out if he loved you, you found out that he never did or stopped a long time ago.
Feeling stupid for being with him?
Don't.
She conned me for a decade. I'm not an idiot... and neither are you, so how the heck did this happen to us?
Simple enough really. We have a tendency to let how we feel color the facts of life.
Example: We might rabid fans of a sports team and think they are the best ever... and when they lose it is a conspiracy! Because they are the team we have chosen to love.
We overlook their idiocy and continue to cheer for them. When they don't even seem to try... we still cheer. Why?
Because we love them.
Same thing goes for what happened with you and I. I will bet that you can look back and see MANY instances where he let you down and you overlooked it because you loved him. I can see thousands of such incidents in my situation.
So, were you stupid to love this boy?
Nope. You were lied to. Plain and simple. So was I.
You didn't know how to find out if someone really loves you or not, and neither did I.
If you learn from this now, then you will not have to spend a full decade of your life learning it later... like I did.
So... now you know you were lied to. It is over. He used you. If you let him back in, he will use you again.
Let it be over.
I want to assure you again that it will get better, and the pain does fade. I promise.
So how do you speed your recovery?
I can tell you the mistakes I made and how not to make them:
I withdrew from my previous life. I stopped doing the things I used to do and enjoy. Basically I stopped living for fear that something would hurt.
When I did this, I gave her power over me. She was GONE and I was still letting her run my life!
Don't let him run your life. Get right back into to doing the things you used to. Things YOU enjoy. It helps.
I stopped going places that would remind me of her.
Don't do this! I didn't recover until I stopped this bit of silliness.
It is very much like the old saying about getting right back on a horse from whom you were forcibly ejected.
If you live in fear of the horse, then the horse owns a piece of you.
By avoiding the scene of the crime so to speak we are letting these rotten people OWN a piece of us.
I started listing things that I found I was doing because of her, and I eliminated them one at a time.
It took time, but it is over and I am much improved. The decade that was a waste... turned into quite the learning experience.
Because I went through that, now I am able to help you through this.
I will stop here, because this is a subject that I have considered writing more than one book about... and I could probably keep you reading here for a week.
Instead, how about we do it like this: If there is anything I can do to help you recover from being used and lied to by this miscreant... please don't hesitate one second to write.
It gets better. Hang in there, and take the help of people who offer. (Ahem.)
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hey girl, i went thru the exact same thing! its going to be so hard to get over him but in the long run itll be for the best. you deserve better then him. now as for his quick relationship, it could be for many reasons, to make you jealous, as a rebound or maybe he really is trying to move on and start fresh. my best advice to you is go out and have a good time caz baby girl now yer single and no one can tell you what to do (:
goodluck!
<3 heatherr
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-Laura (17-f)
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Well clearly he's still not over you and that this is a rebound for sure. He's trying to get your attention and he's trying to make you feel just as badly as he did when you broke up with him. And to do that he chose the girl you didn't necessarily like and started dating her to get your attention. He still has feelings for you...he may have moved on physically to another person but not emotionally.
I know its hard I went to the same school with my ex and after the break up it wasn't easy...what I did was ignored him too! As hard as it maybe I just carried on with my own work instead of worrying about him. He would try to talk to me from time to time but I ignored him for the most part because he had so much drama going on. You maybe hurting now but you should know that he's trying to hide his feelings and he's still hurt. And in the end you were with him first you both had some special.
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My ex did the same thing, and we got back together. He told me his reasoning for dating the other girl was to help him get over me. So maybe you ex is doing the same, but trying to get back at you at the same time.
If I was you I'd dress up, look super hot; and whenever he's around smile and laugh, make it look like your okay. If he thinks about you, which he probably does, then seeing you like this will probably make him think about you more.
And as for forgetting about the situation, I think the best thing you can do is go out with friends and family and have fun. Every now and then have a night to yourself allowing you to eat ice cream, watch a movie, cry, sing as loud as you want to a song like "so what" by pink, and take a hot shower to get everything out of your system.
Hope everythings works out in your favor. =]
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While it hurts that he so easily moved on, the best thing you can do is act like it doesn't. Either he really didn't love you, or he wants you to believe that he's fine without you. He wants to make you jealous and think you made a mistake by leaving him. Don't give him the satisfaction of "winning"... Show him that you could care less who he's with now, or rather, that you feel sorry for his new girlfriend and you're better off without him (even if you don't feel this way yet, you soon will realize that you are!). Good riddance!
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