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19 year old slut?
I'm 19 years old. I grew up with a very stable life. My parents are happily married, always have been. I'm close with both of them. They spoil me, care about me, and love me more than anything. I'm from a upper middle class family, pretty, smart and have a lot going for me.
The thing is, alot of guys have realized that and I have had attention from them ever since middle school. I lost my virginity at 14 and loved sex ever since. I refuse to count the number of guys I have slept with but I'm sure it is well over 30.
This is my deapest darkest secret and lately it has been eating away at me. nobody knows about this and I can't stop thinking about it. I don't know why I've slept with so many people...it just, happened and felt right at the time.
I want to know what is wrong with me or at least how I can get over this shame. I can't tell my boyfriend, my best friends. I've been tested so I don't have stds...but knowing that over 30 guys can go around saying they have had sex with me just kills me.
why would a stable girl be such a whore? how do I get over this?
help.
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Let's get the terminology straight - a whore is someone who gets paid to have sex. Ergo, you are not a whore. There's no point in slut-shaming yourself.
You are making your consequences out to be way more than they are. If sleeping with these guys felt right at the time, there is no point in feeling ashamed of yourself! Really. There is so much pressure on girls to quell their sexual desires while men are encouraged to increase theirs. And it doesn't make sense. So why the hell would you beat yourself up by adopting such an ideology?
It is very possible that there is no hidden psychological reason why you are seeking sex (ie to feel loved, needed, whatever). You could just like having it. And that is totally okay!
Stop imagining what the guys you slept with say behind your back. It is not doing you any good. And if you hear anything like that, it's going to be hard, but you'll have to just shrug it off. Besides, if they had a drunken night with you, they probably have done the same with other people. If they try to shame you for being promiscuous, you could probably do the same right back.
When it's awkward around guys you have hooked up with, you could try either distancing yourself from them slowly, or just acting really non-sexual around them until it calms down.
All this being said - you feel like the consequences here are less shame based and more actual problems arising (ie things are awkward with guy friends is one), a good idea to curb the promiscuity would be to try getting less intoxicated (maybe buzzed instead of drunk), going to less parties where you know you are likely to hook up, and trying to set some clear mental boundaries for yourself.
Regardless, stop calling yourself a whore. Just because you had lots of sex, doesn't mean you should feel ashamed.
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Everyone goes through dark times in their life. You were young and confused. It happens to the best of us.
Stable or not, every girl wants attention from men. It feels good! And sex is pleasurable, right? So of course it felt right at the time. Stability has nothing to do with it; I've known people in terrible families who are abstinent, and people in fantastic families who are partying it up and sleeping with tons of guys.
It's hard to see the consequences of promiscuity when it's happening. Don't beat yourself up over not being able to see the future. Did you know that teenagers' brains are not fully developed? The part that's not entirely developed yet: the part that allows them to see the future consequences of their actions.
So really, this was brought on by biology. Yes, you could have made different choices, but these are the ones you made, and there's no point in worrying about it until the day you die.
The really important choices at this point are the ones you make now. Who you were as a younger teen is not important. Who are you now?
As somebody with a sexual past I'm not too proud of, I can tell you that it has worried me. But being with my fiance was like my first. Being in love makes a huge difference.
You don't have to tell anyone about your past. You know that you don't have any STDs, so there's no reason to. My fiance knows that I have done some things I'm not proud of, but he doesn't have the specifics. And he likely never will. And he doesn't want to know.
Also, as for hanging around with those guys, it may be less awkward for you if you stopped talking to them. In the same scenario, I found that I dreaded having to introduce my boyfriends to them.
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I think the last person's answer was great. I just want to stress that instead of thinking about all of your experiences in sum, as a number, think of them individually. You say they felt right at the time, so why should you make yourself feel guilty about something that was well intentioned?
Would limiting the growth of your number help you to feel better about yourself? You have a boyfriend now, so there is no need for you to raise your number much higher. You can try to only have sex with serious boyfriends (and that may mean that you wait a little while when you first start dating someone before you have sex with him).
Also, try to remember that all those guys are in the past. You are in a new moment now and what has already happened doesn't matter. You can be whoever you want to be.
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Sounds more like your ranking on yourself: you need to relax. What you should do is put away a saturday or sunday, possibly both, for just YOU. Take the time to figure out why you had sex with so many people. Then, look back at the one's that you can remember, and think about whether or not you feel guilty, or if you honestly regret it. For the most part, when you look inside yourself, you'll realize that you don't feel guilty about them. When you do this, look at each night by itself. Don't think about multiple ones at a time. And even if you do feel guilty about any of them, get over it. There is absolutely nothing you can do about the past. All you can do is to move on.
By the way, if you find that you feel guilty about more than 5, and you feel bad about yourself, you can always change. Train yourself to be able to resist the desires of your body (i know, easier said that done, but still possible).
And ultimately, I will repeat myself: relax. Your not a whore, or a slut. You are just you, and that's all you'll ever be.
Hope this helps at least a little.
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