|
How do I fix my life?
Hello,
I'm a 26-year-old male. I'm 5'5" and weigh 300 pounds. I live at home with my parents and I have no job. My daily activities consist primarily of eating, sleeping and smoking cigars. My hygiene is terrible. I shower maybe twice a week, brush my teeth once a month, don't shave and my wardrobe consists of a t-shirt with food stains, a pair of mesh shorts and sneakers with holes in them.
I wasn't always this way. While I was never Mr. confident, I was able to participate in a variety of activities growing up. As a kid, I took swimming lessons, trumpet lessons and played several hours of basketball a day. In high school, I acted in eighteen theater productions and was a member of the football and bowling teams. I was a good student and upon graduating, I enrolled at the University of Maryland at College Park.
I wasn't overly excited about continuing my education at college, however. I didn't apply to any schools until my father really got on me about it, screaming at the top of his lungs. I guess I wanted to take a year off to consider my options. I also wanted to try my hand at being a professional actor. Though it's a tough business to break into, I know people that did and I was quite good at it. It had become my passion. Looking back, I suppose I should have gotten a part-time job, tried my hand at acting and if need be, go to college later.
Instead, I went to college right away. Despite being part of some high school activities, I am rather shy (ironic, given my ability to perform on stage) and I never really made too many friends. I had some trouble with the roommates I was assigned as well and returned home following my first semester 55 pounds heavier.
I lost the weight when I developed a crush on this girl. The weight loss was unintentional. I just got so nervous thinking about her, I couldn't eat. I allowed this crush to go on too long without making my feelings known. Rather than get to know her better, my mind started imagining what she'd be like (all things I'd like of course!) and so my crush deepened. I was drawn to her confidence, something I lacked. I was so lonely and lost, perhaps I was looking to her to save me.
Needing to pick a major, I chose Marketing. I didn't really know much about it. It's just that the business school was well-respected and I was also steered toward it by my parents as well. The truth is, I didn't know what I wanted to do or be. I was supposed to figure it out those first two years and I never did.
In 2003 I suffered a mental breakdown. Over time, I had become increasingly bitter and angry. I began hating people. Then one day, feeling very angry and lonely, I snapped. I proceeded to fall apart in a very bad way. I began smoking cigarettes and cigars. I stopped going to class, stopped studying. The friends I had abandoned me. And so, it got to a point where I never left my apartment. I ordered food to be delivered three to four times a day, all junk, including a pint of Ben & Jerry's just about every night. I sat on the couch and smoked a pack and a half a day, leaving the butts on the ground outside on the balcony. It got to a point where there were so many cigarette butts on the floor, they doubled as carpeting.
I also developed several phobias, including a germ phobia. I couldn't open doors with my hand. Whenever someone sneezed, I'd hold my breath until I could leave the area. As a kid, I was always a bit obsessive-compulsive (e.g., having to name everything object in the room before I could watch TV) but this breakdown made it all worse.
I was living to die basically. I am not a religious person and so I didn't have religion to hang on to. I began asking why. Why am I here? What is the point? I figured that whatever I do doesn't matter because in the end I will die. Even if I impact someone else's life along the way, in the end, they will die. So, is life simply about packing in as much fun as you can before your time is up? What if you're like me and you no longer enjoy doing things? I wished I was dead. I knew I couldn't take my own life and so I focused on how sad I was that I had been born in the first place.
I beat up a 13-year-old kid who was successfully ripping into me with an onslaught of digs and insults. I was so determined not be bullied, not to take shit from anyone that I lost control. On several occasions, I lashed out at one of my teachers because we didn't see eye to eye.
There was some thought that perhaps my inability to avoid being overcome with this uncontrollable rage might be a result of two concussions that I suffered, one in high school and one in college. It could also explain why my OCD and mild depressive moods that I had as a kid got worse.
(As a kid, I ran away from home a lot and also begged my dad to kill me)
Moving on...
Returning home with a college degree after seven years of going at it, I couldn't land a job. I had a marketing degree but it turns out I didn't really like marketing and my major GPA was terrible anyway. I tried getting a job as a reinsurance accountant because I interned as one and its what my dad does but the lack of an accounting degree proved problematic. Though it's not supposed to factor into their decision, I would not be surprised if my weight also kept me from being hired.
So, here's the thing:
1) I don't know what I can do for a living
2) I don't enjoy very many activities
3) I'm not really interested in the American dream lifestyle
4) I can't afford to see a mental health professional
5) I'm unable to go to crowded places (i.e., the mall, the movies)
6) I'm too afraid to work with strangers
7) I have no friends
8) I'm slowly killing myself with tobacco, over eating and lack of activity
9) I can't let go of the past and stop regretting all of my mistakes
10) I have no work history to put on a resume
11) I've overwhelmed with guilt and feelings of worthlessness
12) I lack something I want, something I can use as motivation
I figure my time is running out. I'll either die from cancer or a heart attack. I certainly allowed myself to have many cavities and receding gums. This may be my last chance.
I need suggestions. I need ideas for what I can do as a start. How do I make a fresh start? Heh, can I give myself amnesia so all the problems go away?
[ ]
Want to answer more questions in the Health & Fitness category?
Maybe give some free advice about: Mental health?
This might not be the best advice, but here is what I would do. My parents raised me to believe in myself, not care what others think, they always told me "you can be whoever you want to be, you will do great things in life and you will cahnge the world" When I am going through a rough time or have a problem, my dad always tells me "fix it, you can" and he is right. You know what the problems are, it might not seem easy now, but the little steps count. Start taking a shower, it's 5 minutes of your day. Brush your teeth, 2 minutes of your day. I have experienced peoeple with smoking, and to me it is all in the head. Set your mind to it, realize it's not an addiction and you can stop. As you stated, you aren't interested in the American Dream Lifestyle, Maybe you should get your feet on the ground first, and then move. I have visited Germany and Brasil, and as for me, I prefere the american lifestyle, but maybe its not for you, see what else it out there. It seems like you like acting, presue it, don't let your lack of self confidense stop you. Start applying for simple jobs, it doesn't have to be much, it will get you going, give you the opportunity to meet people and you can work your way up from there. You lack something you want, get it. Make your motivation be you. You can do it!
]
First off, I'm going to give a bit of a legal disclaimer here: I am not a mental health professional. What I am, though, is a survivor of mental illness, and I think that qualifies me to give advice.
Last year I had a breakdown, basically. Everything in my life was wrong, and there was nothing I could do to fix it. I started having multiple panic attacks, and couldn't leave my house. I shut out everyone else, and ended up in the psychiatric ward of the hospital for two weeks as a result.
That sucked. Hard. But what it did was get me to do what you have already done: stepping back and re-evaluating life. That, believe it or not, is the hardest part. The rest is miserable and tough to get through, but ultimately worth it in the end.
It seems like you have already identified what major changes need to occur in your life. That's terrific! The next thing is to take them one at a time.
For me, I had to learn to do the basics again. I had to learn how to get up and shower and get dressed every day. I had to learn how to smile, and laugh, and talk to people. Even those were little triumphs. Every time I woke up, took a shower, and put on a little makeup, I congratulated myself.
That's what you need to start doing. Celebrate the little steps. Don't expect to change everything at once. Try just getting up and showering every day. Keep track of it, if you need to. Even a sticker chart, juvenile as it may sound. Just something to remind you that you have made an effort. Start small.
Once you've got that down, try keeping track of your living space. First, take a week, or even a month to get your apartment sparkling clean. One day, pick up stuff off the floor. Another day, go through your fridge. One thing at a time. Once it is clean, write a chore chart for every day. Check it off as you do it. Living in a clean place will make you feel better, and doing that bit of work every day will help you to learn that everything is under your control.
Next is to focus on yourself. Find something, anything, that you enjoy. I poured myself into crocheting, and even paint by numbers on occasion. Pick something that you enjoy doing by yourself, and preferably something with a visible result, like a craft. Carving, painting, writing, anything. Set some time aside to do this every day, and enjoy it. Don't criticize your results; be proud of them. I was so proud of the crooked looking hats and scarves I was churning out, it didn't matter that I never wore them.
When you're okay with spending time by yourself, start trying to get out in public. Don't go anywhere overly crowded just yet; try a coffee shop. Bring a book, and stay for 10 minutes. If you're okay with that, bump it up a little. Make it so that you are okay with being in public without being overly self-conscious. The crowds can be left for later.
Start going out for walks. You can even walk at night if you don't want to wander around in the public's eye. I took to walking at about 2 in the morning. Fresh air helps with thinking, and the exercise will make you feel better.
Get a pet. Even just a fish or a hamster. I had a lizard, and he was my little friend. Something I could talk to and hold. It helps to relieve stress and gives a reason to be at home.
Start cooking. Cook elaborate meals for yourself; don't just throw that frozen pizza in the oven. It keeps you busy, and if you're truly enjoying what you're eating, it makes you less prone to overeating. Also, it tends to be healthier. Use lots of vegetables, and experiment!
You have said that you're not interested in the American Dream lifestyle. Big deal. So marketing was a mistake. Learning that could be one of the best things that ever happened to you. Take a job. Any job. Even working at McDonald's, or something similar. Stay away from high stress jobs (I made the mistake of leaping into telemarketing... bad idea). Something that is easy, but brings in a little money.
While you're working away, remember that it is just a job. Not a career; not a life choice. Just a job. Think about what you are passionate about, and what you want to do. You're still young. You have plenty of time to upgrade your education, and then it won't matter that you have little work experience. When you end up in a different field, you'll be able to shrug it off as not enjoying marketing, and making a conscious decision to take a break and re-evaluate. You won't be looked down on for that.
It doesn't matter what money you bring in at your chosen vocation, just so long as you are happy. If you want to become a lion tamer, go for it. Just make sure you're not allergic to cats ;)Say "NUTS" to the American Dream, and pity all of those who struggle with their crappy miserable marketing jobs to gain that lifestyle.
What do you want in life? Everyone has a goal, and you will find yours once you're out of this abyss. Do you want to travel? Be married and have 1.5 kids? Retire to live in a log cabin? Have a big goal. It may change, but it's something to reach for and something to look forward to.
The last thing I would do is try to quit smoking. You won't be successful if you jump right into it feeling the way you do now. Wait until you feel like you're on top of the world and can do anything. Don't think you'll ever feel that? Just wait. Climbing out of that dark pit is the hardest thing you'll ever do. It will take time, a year or two even. But you will know that you are strong, and that you can do whatever you put your mind to. So pick a method, and work at quitting smoking when the time is right.
Having been in your position, I feel for you like you wouldn't believe. But you are the only one who can make you feel better. I saw doctors, I took pills. But I had to really want it before anything happened. And when I did really want it, I was able to drop the doctors and pills, because I knew I could do it on my own. And I'm an atheist too, so I'm living proof that you don't need to turn to religion to be happy.
Be proud of yourself, and learn to love yourself, whatever that self is. Coming even this far requires incredible strength. I have the utmost faith in your ability to recover.
Feel free to contact me if you have any more questions or concerns. I'm a font of inspirational talk since my dark times, and always glad to speak to someone else about it.
]
I am giving you this information because you say you are very unhappy, and it seems that you feel you might benefit from seeing a mental health care professional, but do not think you can afford it. I think this is a good idea, and I want you to know that there are other options for getting medical care without insurance.
I'm assuming you live in Maryland, since that is where you went to college. If not, I apologize, because some of the specific information I am going to give you is geared toward the state of Maryland. I hope it helps, because if you need to see a mental health professional, it is important that you find an opportunity to do so, and the opportunities are out there. You just have to put forth a little effort in order to find them.
First of all, you can call 2-1-1 from any telephone, nationwide. I'm not sure if you need to dial a 1 before 211, but try it both ways if one does not work. 211 is nation-wide service to help you find information about your community. You can start by asking them what your options are for getting mental health services without insurance.
Here is another resource:
If you live in Maryland, go directly to this web address:
[Link](Mouse over link to see full location)
And then click on "Guide to Health Services for Low Income Adults without insurance". You'll find the link under "Hospitals and Clinics" in the lower-right part of the main body of text on the page.
This will open a Microsoft Word Document (I hope you have Word, because that is the only type of file provided) with a list of health care providers who offer services on a sliding fee scale or a reduced charge basis.
No matter what solution you choose, I hope that you are able to find a way to go to the doctor.
Another thing to consider since you don't have a job is that you may be able to receive some kind of disability income either the state or federal government. I know people who have, in the past, been put on disability simply for depression because it so severely affected them and their ability to hold a job. There is no shame in this, and I'm not saying you should take advantage of it in an unscrupulous way, but it sounds like something that might help you out-- at least until you are feeling better and think you can handle a job. I don't know if you would be able to do this, but it is something to ask about. Just let them know that your depression/social anxiety makes it impossible for you to even go to crowded places or work a job.
I think if you work with a doctor somehow you can get back to a place where you can figure out something you would really enjoy doing with your life. It is possible for you to go back to school for a second bachelor's degree if you would like. Being that you are 26, even though you live with your parents, you are considered independent and thus can probably get financial aid to go to college. If marketing makes you miserable, I see no reason for you to work in marketing. It's never too late to go back and do something different.
_________________________________________________
Hopefully that will make a big difference.
]
Well, I am not sure if you have a seriously negative feeling about your weight. I would like to say that gaining weight is not always related to eating too much. God created each of us in different ways and programmed us in a unique manner. Some people despite eating less continue to gain fat, while others, no matter how much they eat, they remain lean and thin. So please do not blame yourself for this (God created you like this with a certain purpose even though you say you are not very religious). Try to get involved in some sort of physical activities (you can walk in a park for some time everyday). Please leave the habit of smoking cigars. You should not take something that only harms you and you have to pay money for that as well. It also does not help you to improve your situation. So why smoke it? I understand it is much easier said than done. What you can try you can gradually quit cigar smoking. For example, if, at present, you are smoking 10 cigars each day, from tomorrow try smoking 8 each day. After 2 weeks, Try smoking 6 each day, and so on. Try improving your hygiene standards as well. Not improving that is not going to help you. To help your conditions, you need to think with a positive mind. When you are physically clean and fresh, your mind will also be fresh and you will feel better. Try taking bath once everyday. It is absolutely normal and a very good thing that questions such as "Why am I here?,What is the point?" come to your mind. Most of us do not think why we are in this world and what are we supposed to do here. These questions appearing in your mind only shows you have a very analytical and intellectual mind. Keep it up. To understand these things you need to increase your belief in God. Rely on and ask for help from God, your only true and best friend, and keep trying. See what happens. You are wondering on an extremely important thing as to whatever you do you will (and we all will) die one day. Well this is the biggest reality of life that we all shall die one day and that is where religion has an important role to play. Without having any faith in religion, you will not come to know the real purpose of life. Try reading your religious scripture (Bible/Quran/Torah....?) If you have questions regarding how you would follow your religion ask me the next time. For the moment I will concentrate on other areas. Coming to the 12 points you mentioned at the very end try end here is what you can do:
1) Try getting a marketing related job (your major was marketing). You may not get the job that you want but try accepting whatever you get. You need to start from where even it means you have to do a low grade job. The job that we do does not make us a great human being.
2) It is normal that you are not enjoying a lot of activities since you are very frustrated. Once you take a positive attitude towards life things will start to change. Have faith in God and try to do some meditation.
3) If you are not interested in the American dream lifestyle, no problem at all. Who says America is the happiest nation simply because they are the richest. The old proverb is true, "Money can't buy happiness". It can give a very expensive and comfortable bed but it will not give you the sleep unless you have attained bliss in your heart.
4) If can't afford to see a mental health professional, still no problem. God has created a miraculous computer in your brain which is more powerful than any other human made computer. Make use of that.
5) You are afraid to crowded places because you lack in confidence or you fear what they will think or talk about you and how they will treat you. Don't think so much, when you meet them, give them a beautiful smile and ask how they are doing. You will feel more comfortable. If any one makes fun of you it is their problem. It does not matter what others think about you. You are what you are. So be yourself. You do not have to portray yourself differently to others. God created you the way he wanted with a certain purpose (as I said earlier) and He will guide you.
6) You are not comfortable working with strangers because of the same explanation provided in 5.
7) Well, we all actually have no friends. When I say friends I mean true friends. How many of us have a true friend? Almost none. We may have the impression that we have true friends but more than 99% of our friends are not true friends. You can find a lot of friends in your good times, but when you need them the most (in difficult) times, believe me, it is highly possible not even one will be there with you. No need to have such part time friends.
8) I have explained how you should quit smoking and be involved in physical activities. For over eating, try to reduce it slowly. Let me give a hypothetical example. If you are taking 500 units of food daily, from tomorrow try taking 480 units for two weeks, then 460 units for another week, 440 units for another two weeks, and so on.
9) We all make mistakes. The important thing is whether we are learning from our mistakes. Instead of regretting, take a lesson from your mistake and do not repeat it in future.
10) I am not sure if you can not find a job without a work history. How, then, are the fresh graduates getting jobs?
11) Do not feel yourself to be worthless. You are as good as others if not better. God never intended to make you worthless. Make use of the intellectual mind that God has gifted you.
12) I am not very clear with your last point. I think you are talking about motivating yourself. You need to grow the belief in yourself that if others can do this so can I. Meditation will also help to boost your mental strength and self confidence.
Finally, More than anything else (it is my personal belief), you have to put absolute faith on God and ask for His help. For that you have to help yourself as well. God helps those who help themselves. May God, the Lord of the heavens and the earth, guide you to achieve absolute bliss and glory.
]
I am a Christian so my advice will be in that direction.
Maybe it's time to start seeking God. You will always have a void in your life if you leave out the most important One, and the only One, that can fill that void. Once that void is filled, everything else starts to fall in place. On the other hand, if that void is not filled, then there will always be a certain emptiness.
Things in your life have definitely spiraled out of your control. One thing just leads to another and another and another. Taken one at a time, these things can be dealt with, but, if left unattended, they take on a life of their own.
My advice would be to start seeking God. I don't know if you are a Christian, Jew or what, but I would personally, read the Bible. Before reading, I would pray for God's guidance through His word and ask for a revelation of the truth. Then read. I can testify to the fact that God does answer pray and He does help those who seek his help. He will direct you and get you out of this mess you're in.
I would also force myself to get out and take a walk anytime you feel you are falling into the same old routine. A walk in the sunshine helps ward off depression. Everything is worse at night and on gloomy days without sunshine. Take advantage of those nice days and just get out! Take longer and longer walks as the days go by.
When you get up in the morning FORCE yourself to jump directly into the shower! Brush your teeth before you lose them all! Change the linens on your bed! Hard boil an 2 eggs for breakfast and then GET OUTSIDE! This will also help you lose weight, but don't make that your goal. You must start somewhere and the easiest way to start is with the simplest things.
You feel very bad about yourself because you've let things go to the point where everything in your life looks dire. As a Christian, I feel the devil has you exactly where he wants you, but the fact that you are reaching out for help tells me that God has other plans and has put in your heart the desire to keep going and seek out the help you need. He put that desire in you, therefore, He has plans for you. Seek Him. This could be big.
UPDATE: You did not say you were an atheist. You simply said that you were not a religious person and did not have a religion to hang on to.
Obviously, you will have to take some steps to help yourself. You recognize the problem, but that isn't good enough. You must take a first step, with or without God. Talk to your doctor and ask where you can get free help. You may be able to get free meds. There is no magic bullet.
]
well first of all change your rutine of shower and hygen. go shopping find a job it doesn't have to be big it isn't go to help if you think that you really rather not work at fast food restuarants because at least it is work.
find a small apartment that doesn't cost much and move out of your parents house if that is what you wish. if your still in college go to the career centure and tell them your into acting and want to be a pro at it, they may be able to help you. i mean come on their there for a reason right?
hoped i help you good luck
]
More Questions: |