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Why do I want things my way only?
hi I am a wife and a mother mother of four great kids. I love my family to death but they say that I am onesided and to hard on them. I however dont see that way. I just think i want the best for them. Now mind you 3 of my kids are handicapped and this puts alot of stress on me. it seems at times that I am the only parent in the house. my husband works and I stay home with the kids. I cook,clean,help kids with their things and try to be a loving wife. but when he comes home if feel i need a break and it is his time with them. we do share so household chores. but when it his day to do something he useally doesnt do or only half way do it. and i feel if you start something you need to finish no matter what. he says that i have to have my way about everything and that i dont care what he feels or how it makes him feel. he also says that I have a way of doing everything and if i see someone doing it diffrent then its wrong. plus he say I have a spot for everything and that the house isnt going to stay clean and I should let it go sometimes and chill.he also state that no matter what he does it doent please me. Now I feel that you should have a clean house and keep it nice but i now its not going to stay clean but if you see something out of place put it away this makes it easier on me.should i chill? i have a very bad temper and we get into fights not hand to hand but yelling matches and sometimes i feel that i am not tiring my best to stop the fights and that im overbearing and out of control what should I do? i feel sometimes that it would be easier to be by myself.
mylife
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I fully agree with Nallie... You need a break!
I'm currently a stay home mom of two sons, 21 months and 8 months old. The boys and my home are very demanding of me.
To keep up with them and my housework means I'm constantly moving and going, going and moving. I often feel like I never get anything accomplished, though I know I do.
My suggestion? Tell him you appreciate his help when he helps. He'll do more if he feels he's ACTUALLY doing something to help.
Me? I like things done a certain way. It bugs me if it isn't done that very certain way. HOWEVER. When my husband helps, he does it his way. Though I don't like his way of doing it, I thank him up and down for helping.
See, it's the thought behind it. He does his best to help me, even if I think I would have done it different or better. He TRIES. I appreciate that he is willing to do things to help around the house. Since he knows I appreciate it, he continues to help out, unasked.
I understand he probably wants to come home and put his feet up for a while. He's had a long day at work. Guess what? So have you! If he comes home to put his feet up, put yours up right next to him.
I say you should chill.
Not because I think you are some weirdo, or something, but because I know where you're coming from. Because you work your tail off from the time you get up until the time you go to bed, 7 days a week, 52 weeks a year.
You should chill because you deserve to say, "Eh. That book over there needs to go in it's place. BUT. Today, I'm going to let it go. It's my day off."
Unless someone has walked in the shoes of a stay at home mother, they don't quite understand that we don't have time to sit in front of soaps and eat Bon Bons. That's "Married With Children" TV show crap.
Being someone who has a grand idea of what your every day is like, I know you need some time off work. You need some time for yourself. You need to put your feet up, soak in a bath, enjoy a hot shower, etc.
I also agree that you and your husband need to take time for each other. Call in the sitter, or ask a friend/relative to look after the kids for an evening and go out to dinner and a movie. Or just get take out and rent a movie. Something.
You can keep a nice home without it being a strain on you, your husband, your marriage. You just have to remember that having a nice home is all well and good, but having everything in it's place isn't as important as you and your family unit.
Good luck to you, and I hope that helps out. :-)
ygs-30/f
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I have been in a similar situation with my husband, and being a working Mom of 3 children. He doesn't see things as I do and never will. I only have one child left at home as they are grown now, and realize that I should not have focused on the small things because it took time away from my family.
It sounds as if your hubby, like mine, is not detail oriented and has different priorities. I am guessing he simply cannot see what is wrong with the way he is doing things, no matter how much you tell him. That's okay, he is still helping you right? If he feels he can't live up to your standards he may stop helping altogether.
While I know this is not the advice you are probably looking for..I'd say yes, you do need to "chill" but most importantly it sounds as if you need a break. You may have to plan away from home time soon, it could change your outlook a little.
Also, what about couple time? I am guessing you both feel unappreciated.
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First of all I am going to say, you are a VERY Strong lady. Meeting the responsibilities that you do must not be easy.
I know that living with a man isn't easy. At times you two don't agree but I see a lack of understanding. He does go to work and you stay home so for him it is an easier task. You on the other hand have to take care of the household and need some time for yourself.
I would suggest you found a hobby to attend in the afternoons, when he arrives back from work. This alone time for yourself would help you gain your strength and release some tension.
Being at home 24/7 is stressing and at times you do need to get some fresh air and clear your thoughts.
I hope my advice helps you in some way if you need more you can always email me.
Keep it up and I know GOD will reward you for your strength and Good Heart :)
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you have special needs children which surely adds to the workload. i feel for you with your husbands attitude. naturally you will fell ike he doesn't care or doesn't care enough for you to finish his jobs. but lets say you give him a job of cleaning the garage and raking the leaves. if he does 50 percent of both, he feels as if he really accomplished one total job. he surely thinks that partly doing something is better than doing nothing at all. every little bit does help out your situation. but at the same time, if you only partly clean then you never have it completely clean. you may feel awkward about having guests and such because of it. my thinking is this as far as the chores go. so it seems that you aren't the one complaining, have your husband make a list of what chores he will finish or take care of for the week. but have it set up that it must be finished. if you let him in charge of his destiny/workload he cannot resent you. plus this also locks him into a commitment. it's a bit like letting a child decide their own punishment and all guys are children really. i know, i am a guy.
with your arguments, you both have to learn how to discuss and not yell. i had a teacher once that instead of yelling would get quieter and quieter. but the students would actually get quiet and would strain to hear what she said. that may help. you could also try to do something like the following. when you are arguing, use some object like a football or stuffed animal or whatever. but whoever is holding the football gets to speak while the other listens. but you can take turns holding it and speaking. this will keep the need for yelling at a minimum. louder doesn't mean right but yelling causes things to be emotional. you two have to be a team. insulting each other will only make things worse. i think you'd be better served saying something like 'you're my man, i need you. i can't do this alone. i need you and your help" not something like "you're a slob". i know you may feel like he is and are dying to say he is a slob or whatever. but that's counterproductive.
i don't know if you are overbearing or not. you very well may be. odds are you are a bit and he is a bit lazy. he's probably just used to his mom doing things for him and never grew up.
also, you may want to be more selective with his chores. like if you have him do the laundry, it's either not in the washer or it is. it's a job where it's almost either not done at all or completely done. if you can find jobs like that or going to the store for milk or filling up the gas tanks in the car he can be helpful. this will allow you to use that time for jobs that he doesn't complete. i hope i was some help for you
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Everyday when my mom comes home one of the first things I hear is you need to do this or you need to do that or this didn't get done.
My advice isn't a whole lot but just make sure that when he comes home that you greet him in a nice way. Not tell him what needs to be done and not exaggerate on what you had to do all day because he had to do some hard stuff himself I'm sure. Don't say I had to do this and this and this and this and this and this.. My mom does it and it's like "Ok... I get it already!"
When he comes home give him a few minutes to him for himself and then go and ask him if he can help you or if he can help the kids with something while you take a breather.
Goodluck
Oh and when you are fighting make sure the kids don't hear. None of us kids should ever have to hear their parents fight.
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I'm only seventeen, so I've never been married, but I can help you with the cleaning/organizing part, because my parents act in a similar way.
It's totally normal that you want everything in the right spot. "A place for everything, and everything in its place". You spend a lot more time in your house than your husband, I assume, so any sort of mess drives you crazy. He comes home from work, understandably tired, and is satisfied with an "organized mess".
So, the best thing here is - you guessed it - a compromise. I'd suggest having one room in the house that you keep as clean as YOU want it to be. Maybe your bedroom, or a home office, or even the laundry room. Tell your husband & kids that messes aren't allowed there [move their stuff elsewhere if they leave it in there and it shouldn't be], and organize it to your heart's content. Now, try not to get too upset if the dishes pile up in the sink, or if the living room is disorganized. And let him have a part of the house to keep as he likes, too. In my family, the basement is 95% under my dad's control- he can have a workbench piled with two feet of stuff and decorate the pool room as he pleases, and we can't touch it or complain.
My mother thought of a really clever system for when we started remodeling our bathroom. She bought inexpensive plastic bins and a shelving unit, and we quite literally throw everything into the containers and put it on a shelf. This way, we don't have to organize everything per se (we can just toss it in a bin) but it LOOKS incredibly neat. She uses it in the laundry room, too, and sorts everyone's socks, underwear, etc into their own container. You could apply a similar philosophy to the entire house - a big basket near the door for shoes, a magazine rack in the living room, a pretty bowl for incoming mail in the kitchen. You could use a system like this to keep kids' rooms looking less like the aftermath of a hurricane, too. And plastic bins with holes work great to eliminate laundry piles on the floor.
But don't be too hard on yourself OR your husband. You're both working hard, and sometimes tempers run short. Also, it's a house, not a museum. It's okay if you go a few weeks without dusting ;]
Best of luck =)
-LM
[17/f]
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