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Can you please criticise this persuassive essay? Please.....
This is the persuassive essay I has to write for language. Please grade this on a scale from 1 to 4. Please base this on a 8th grade level. Please criticise this essay, and help me make it better. Thank you in advanced. Also, just because I wrote about this topic, does not necisarily mean i believe what I wrote. And, please do not tell me my statistics are wrong because my teacher told us to lie about nthem, as long as they sound believeable. yes i know....weird
Television….Helpful or Harmful
Television is not really what you think it is. Television has little educational value. Television promotes violence, certain styles of clothing, and that affects the way you think. It gives you a reason to not exercise or eat right, which ends in health issues. It causes children to rebel, or beg their parents to buy items that the commercials showed.
The shows or commercials you see on television usually affect your actions, and the way you think. Boys who watch their favorite action shows are packed with fighting and violence. They cause them to think and act differently. Dr. Rodman, a licensed child psychologist, took a 12 year old boy named Charles, who had never watched any television in his whole life, and showed him 3 television shows packed with violence. When Charles came home, he took his little sister’s Barbie dolls and ripped off the heads. Girl’s who watch their favorite pop stars or “idols” on TV usually end up speaking and dressing like them. “My child came home and asked me to buy her a new wardrobe so she would be just like the girl on TV”, says Tessa Jones, mother of 2 children. Girls these days are becoming more aggressive, due to the latest news on television about famous stars. Television is affecting the minds and behavior of boys and girls.
In addition to changing your thoughts and behavior, people are getting unhealthy from TV watching and lack of exercise. The commercials on TV 3 out of 5 times talk about food, which causes children and adults to eat while watching television. Television gives people an excuse to not exercise.2 out of 3 people in America are overweight due to television watching and television commercials that promote eating. Dr. Drakeson, author of Kids Usa, states that kids watch more television, thank homework, exercise, and eating all together. Television is causing major health problems.
Not only does Television lead to unhealthiness, but television commercials also put down certain styles of clothing, pressure you to listen to a certain style of music, or pressure you into buying a product. Only 5 out 30 commercials talk about rejecting drugs,
pier pressure, or alcohol, while the others talk about wearing the “right” clothing, listening to the “cool” music. The commercials make children feel like they have to say and have the right things. Television commercials cause parents to feel pressured to buy the items that their children want. There are many commercials on television. Some are helpful, however most of them harmful to you in some type of way.
Some might argue that people who do not have a phone or newspaper, need the television to watch the news, to keep up on what is happening around the world, however, at the moment only 1 out of 5 show on television are actually news channels, in addition to that, the news mostly talks about gossip, or the latest buzz.
Personally, I believe television has little educational value and is harmful to any person who watches it in some way. The things on television affect the behavior of people and the way you think. People are getting more unhealthy from watching television. Television commercials are pressuring people to buy things, or change something about themselves, or the way they live their lives. If you do not want to be unhealthy, or be pressured into changing yourself, or pressured into buying what people may think is the “right” thing to buy, then cut down, or completely cut television out of your lives today.
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There was an extreme over usage of the same words and phrases, but I left that alone.
I went though and corrected some of the grammatical errors, and when writing ANY essay, you have to write out the numbers, not just with numerals.
Here's my edit, And for an 8th grader, you can write a decent essay.
(indent, too)
Television is not really what you think it is. Television has little educational value. Television promotes violence AND certain styles of clothing, which affect the way you think. It gives you a reason to not exercise or eat right, which ends in health issues. It causes children to rebel, or beg their parents to buy items that the commercials HAVE showed.
The shows or commercials you see on television usually affect your actions, and the way you think. Boys who watch their favorite action shows are packed with fighting and violence. They cause them to think and act differently. Dr. Rodman, a licensed child psychologist, took a 12 year old boy named Charles, who had never watched any television in his whole life, and showed him 3 television shows packed with violence. When Charles came home, he took his little sister’s Barbie dolls and ripped off the heads. Girl’s who watch their favorite pop stars, or “idols”, on TV usually end up speaking and dressing like them. “My child came home and asked me to buy her a new wardrobe so she would be just like the girl on TV”, says Tessa Jones, mother of 2 children. Girls these days are becoming more aggressive, due to the latest news on television about famous stars. Television is affecting the minds and behavior of boys and girls.
In addition to changing your thoughts and behavior, people are getting unhealthy from TV watching and lack of exercise. The commercials on TV THREE out of FIVE times talk about food, which causes children and adults to eat while watching television. Television gives people an excuse to not exercise.TWO out of THREE people in America are overweight due to television watching and television commercials that promote eating. Dr. Drakeson, author of Kids USA, states that kids watch more television, thank homework, exercise, and eating all together. Television is causing major health problems.
Not only does Television lead to unhealthiness, but television commercials also put down certain styles of clothing, pressure you to listen to a certain style of music, or pressure you into buying a product. Only FIVE out THIRTY commercials talk about rejecting drugs, pier pressure, or alcohol, while the others talk about wearing the “right” clothing, listening to the “cool” music. The commercials make children feel like they have to say and have the right things. Television commercials cause parents to feel pressured to buy the items that their children want. There are many commercials on television. Some are helpful, however most of them harmful to you in some type of way.
Some might argue that people who do not have a phone or newspaper, need the television to watch the news, to keep up on what is happening around the world, however, at the moment only ONE out of FIVE show on television are actually news channels, in addition to that, the news mostly talks about gossip, or the latest buzz.
Personally, I believe television has little educational value and is harmful to any person who watches it in some way. The things on television affect the behavior of people and the way you think. People are getting more unhealthy from watching television. Television commercials are pressuring people to buy things, change something about themselves, or the way they live their lives. If you do not want to be unhealthy, be pressured into changing yourself, or pressured into buying what people may think is the “right” thing to buy, then cut down, or completely cut television out of your lives today.
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the others did well with their feedback. my two cents if it counts for something, is that i think you used the word television too much...
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Hey there. Interesting exercise with a lot of options. Its the kind of thing that I always used to like back in school.
Now, I will give you some thoughts. I warn you ahead of time I have been up for the last 20 hours so they might be a bit disorganised. Also, I cannot remember for the life of me what 8th grade level was like, so if I go beyond it, just ignore those parts.
Overall I think you make an interesting argument. I have some issues with a few sentences:
- "Television promotes violence, certain styles of clothing, and that affects the way you think."
This could be worded better so that it does not imply that your style of clothing influences how you think.
- The Charles example: I agree with below, one statistic is not enough for the conclusion you draw. This is a recurring issue that I deal with below.
- "Girls these days are becoming more aggressive, due to the latest news on television about famous stars."
Why does news of famous people make girls aggressive?
- "5 out 30 commercials": this is not that relevant, but thats 1 in 6 :)
- "The commercials on TV 3 out of 5 times talk about food, which causes children and adults to eat while watching television. Television gives people an excuse to not exercise.2 out of 3 people in America are overweight due to television watching and television commercials that promote eating."
The arguments are not properly linked. How has it been shown that 2 out of 3 people are overweight due to television? What study exactly has been done to prove a correlation between the large number of commercials and the fact that people dont exercise or eat wrong?
- "The commercials make children feel like they have to say and have the right things. Television commercials cause parents to feel pressured to buy the items that their children want."
How has this been demonstrated? Why is it a bad thing?
Now, one thing that can improve this essay is a deeper understanding of how an argument is formulated. I was thinking about this, and did some searching online to try to dig up some of the stuff I learned years ago. Anyway, check out this site:
[Link](Mouse over link to see full location)
Pay special attention to the statement "An argument is valid if and only if there is no logically possible situation where all the premises are true and the conclusion is false at the same time."
Now with that in mind, go back and review your arguments. Are they all phrased in such a way that they lead to the right conclusion? Do they discount all other possibilities? Are they all complete... i.e. do they follow up to the end?
For example, why is influencing you towards a certain style of clothing or towards buying a product a bad thing? Why is influencing a child towards acting a certain way bad?
Finally, another thing to consider is what is regarded as a useful study or set of statistics. Although popular articles love to give you a personal little story (like what you wrote about Charles), they carry little weight scientifically. To go anywhere near a scientific theory, let alone a conclusion you need to refer to studies that involve many people (thousands usually), in most cases over an extended period of time. Even if it is all imaginary, it adds weight to your claims.
Each argument should be justified by the right statistic. Giving an example like Charles or Tessa is ok but not on its own. Remember the way premises lead to a conclusion? Well, what if Charles was for some reason more prone to violence? What if the fact that he never watched television until such a late age made him overreact in some way? What if he hated Barbie dolls? What if Tessa's child was very impressionable, and took after everyone else in the absence of tv?
You get the idea. Large studies average out all the individual differences and isolate the one issue that is in question- in this case the effect of television specifically.
Now, I cannot rate this essay without remembering what 8th grade was like. I think overall it was quite decent though and with a few tweaks it can be a very persuasive argument.
Hope you can use this stuff for something :)
Good luck.
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It's a really good argument, but there are a few things which I'd like to bring to your attention:
Charles - I notice that this is only one child who was tested like this and no other children. Considering the fact that he's never watched TV before, he wouldn't know the difference between the show and reality, so naturally, he would think that it was fine to do that. And think about it: a 12 year old and never watched TV??? Where's he been brought up? In a cupboard?!?!? It is virtually impossible for him not to have watched TV in this day and age. A 3 year old maybe, but not a 12 year old!! For this kind of conclusion, you need to support it with other studies which've been done along the same lines.
The Girl's and their idols- I bet when you grew up, you had some idols whom you wanted to be like, right? If not well... In any case, most people have got a idol which they'd dream to be like. Why? Because they're having a life which only most of us can dream about. Dressing up/acting like that person helps us feel more connected to that person and helps us to feel more secure. I've never heard of girls becoming more aggressive just because of what their idol has done in the news. Maybe when there's a big sale on at some big clothes store, but not when they're idol has done something in the news.
TV has little educational value - Maybe during the evenings, but during the day, there can be some really good programs on such as documentaries, life stories etc. and yes, there can be the odd 'bad influence' on us but it really does all depend on what that person likes to watch. Nobody says we've got to listen to the commercials, or being pressurized into listen to that kind of music and so on and so forth. We have the choice to see and listen to them, there's no law saying that we've got to listen/watch.
I'm sorry, but no matter whoever tells me, I would never put in fake statistics. Even if the Pope himself came and told me directly to put in fake statistics I wouldn't put them in. I would like my essay to be as believable as possible so that would mean putting a hell of a lot of time to get those facts in and right or don't put them in at all.
And not ALL parents feel pressured to get what their children want to get, and if they do, that's only because they spoil their children rotten and the children feel as if they've got the right to order their parents around. The ones who say no are the parents who won't stand for this kind of behavior.
As for people being over weight, adults choose to be overweight, kids on the other hand don't. It's up to the parents to get their kid off his/her backside and walk around and get some excersise.
And I would also put in the other side of your argument as well. Why? Because of your title. Upon reading it, I assumed that there would be another side to the argument: "Helpful or Harmful" implies that there are four paragraphs in this essay: introduction, argument 1, argument 2 and THEN conclusion. Sticking to one argument and conclusion will not get you many marks at all. You need to make it balanced and fair.
If you want to make it believable, then you need to make yourself believe that what you're writing is what YOU believe. If you don't believe in it, then the people reading it won't. However, your ending does give me some indication that this is what you believe: so is it or isn't it?
Based on this, I'm doing to give this 2-2.5.
I hope this helped,
triquetra
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