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some heavy stuff for a lil kid
i was molested at 7 by a older kid who my grandmother would babysit. everytime she would to sleep he would take me and play games where i would suck him and he would finger me. im now 15 and my mom and my bff knows but my mom doesnt know the extent. i have repressed it so much and when his father died my family went to his wake and all i wanted to do was laugh. but then i saw him and went to the car and cried and mind u this is the first time i have acknowledged it. so now i have a masturbation problem and i look at porn and stuff online. i cant do this much longer i feel guilty and pray to God for me to stop but do it again i feel as if i am truly a bad person who fakes a front of happiness. inside of me there is a hidden darkness that rears it ugly head when i feel lonely or sad and have suicidal thoughts i know i would never do it cuz i hate pain but i dont think this is normal and the worst part is that when my bf touches me i feel dirty or repulsed i desperately want to serve God but i cant because of my past
sry for the rambling and bad grammar but i dont know what to do
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omg how terrible.You cant just keep this a secret,you gotta go scandalize that loser who did this to you!Go tell your mom the whole story and make her do something!Tell her that youre depressed about it and even feeling suicidal!!YOU HAVE TO!if you dont then one day some crazy thought will come to your head and youll do something crazy to yourself!He cant go unpunished for what he has done,when your mom finds out let her call up the police and tell them EVERYTHING so he can get arrested!!Or you can have another trusted adult do it for you if youre worried.As for the porn and you want to stop for religious reasons then i agree,you can stop this one step at a time.Like for example start by having the will and say to yourself"ok i WILL stop watching porn" and then just delet it alll off your computer.Its not as hard as it seems.
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This is all coming to the surface with this level of intensity because it can't remain buried. It's forcing you to tell your family the complete truth and seek professional help. You need a psychiatrist to help you through your depression, anger and guilt.
You have nothing at all to feel guilty over. He's the one who did this to you. Don't let him victimize you over and over by not coming clean and confronting this. You must never forget what happened but you need to have a normal life. Getting help with this to reclaim your life is the best way to go. It won't be easy but it has to be done.
Another important thing is that this individual probably has assaulted other children,girls, women and continues to do so. If you come up with his name you might (based on statutes of limitation) be able to have him charged. You can save other girls.
As far as masturbation goes it's a healthy thing not to feel guilty about unless it's constant, you avoid people, don't leave the house, and or doing it to respond to discomfort or abuse because you were taught etc.
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I am so sorry you had to go through that. You can not hold blame or guilt. You really must let it go. I know that has to be so hard for oyu, I've been stuck in a past for so long too, I learned that guilt doesn't change the past you have to talk about it and let it out. Thats what I did. I talked to the priest in the confessional, I think i was in there for like an hour, butafterwards I finally felt this calmness, this happiness, the darkness and thoughts of suicide fled my body, it was replaced with like this uncontrollable happiness, I just couldn't hold it in, this gust of wind just filled my body, and I was happy again. I realized the past can't be changed, but it no longer affects who I am becoming. I wrote a couple songs about it, that really helped, b/c it was my real pain on the paper, and with every note, I felt the past get even further and further behind me. That was such a good feeling, knowing God took over my life, and I'll never go back to okay or bad. God gave me life, sin tried to take it then God saved it. Thats where you need to give your life to God, and eliminate the guilt, by talking about it and seeking help like a priest, therapist, or trusted adult. You don't need to be ashamed, this is absolutely not your fault.
MY advice, is to talk about it, and find a healthy way to let it out, mine is writing, maybe you should try it too. But please don't blame yourself, you were only 7. YOu were just a child, your 15 now, its time to let it go. Really, hold your head up high, you conquered molestation. You are such a strong, amazing person, so many people would have already killed themselves, good for you, in having so much self respect. I think you need to talk about it.
If you would like to talk about it, I'm here just email me :)
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i've been there, and up to now believe me i have masturbation problem. i do it a lot, i also watching porn and i can't help it. thank God, i found the love of my life who accept me from who i am and what are my past it. i think you could be better if you just don't feel guilty about it. we cannot blame ourselves because it happened on us. just pray to God that one day you find the one who will ease all the pain inside you. just trust him. okay??? just pray my friend.
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It is definantly not your fault, so please don't blame yourself.
I'm so sorry something like this happened to you, but you have to stay strong.
[Link](Mouse over link to see full location) This site is amazing. It's a site for rape & sexual abuse survivors. I go there a lot (I was raped), and I can tell you that it helps tremendously.
Also, maybe try going to a therapist or counselor.
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There are some really ugly people in this world. I'm really sorry that that happened to you, but please believe me when I tell you this.. You did NOT deserve it. Nobody does.
The best thing you can do is try to deal with it and overcome it. Yes, it's a horrible thing, but making yourself forget doesn't mean it didn't happen. You need to confront it and confide in someone, whether it be your mother, best friend, boyfriend, counselor, therapist, anyone. Confronting it may be the hardest thing you have to do, but you won't be true to yourself if you don't. Just talking about it will relieve some of the pain and just get it off of your chest, because I'm sure you're feeling very burdened.
My pretty much best friend in the world was sexually abused as a child. I love her to death, but I hate what she does. She lets other guys use her because it makes her feel important, but it also makes her hate herself even more, and this is all because she didn't deal with it. She won't accept that she didn't deserve what happened to her. Anyways, my point is that I don't want you to get to that point. It's a vicious cycle and very hard to come out of, so I want to steer you away from even going in that direction. Unfortunately, I met my best friend recently, so she was already like that when I met her, but the good thing is that she isn't like that anymore.
Please understand that it's the things that you do that make you a bad person, not the shit that happened to you. You didn't CHOOSE to be abused. You didn't choose for that to happen to you. You can't change the past, but you can choose how you live your life and to build a better future for yourself.
My inbox is always open so feel welcome to send me a message if you want to talk more.
Best of luck and keep your head held high
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