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Who is right?
I'm 16/f virgin and I've heard about a million things about sex. I've heard from my parents that I should wait until I'm married. I've heard from magazines that I can do it with anyone, but I should use a condom. In movies they make it seem like you can have as much sex as you want. Then you have others saying save your virginity while another group says things like you have to "test drive before you buy" kind of thing.
Who is right? Or because in this day and age that there are so few girls that have thier virginity that it's not important anymore?
Thanks,
A Virgin and proud (or possibly not)....
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First off, you should hold your head up high in knowing that you are a virgin. Virginity still is special and it should be cherished a lot more than it is now.
I completely understand when you say that the media keeps telling you that it's safe to have sex with anyone you have sexual desires for. This is very untrue though and you can be left with many scars because of it.
Engaging in sex puts you in a difficult situation. You can be left with emotional issues but nobody really talks about that. The reason why your peers pressure you to have sex is actually fairly simple. They aren't having good sex and they feel bad and let down from what they believed was going to be awesome, and it's human nature to want to be socially accepted. They will pressure you to have sex because subconsciously they feel bad and want you to relate to them so they don't feel alone. These people simply want others to be like them so they know they are accepted.
The people who are telling you to have sex only want you to do it too because they are either hoping your sexual experiences are just like theirs so they won't feel alone and jipped, or so you give them something to talk about for awhile.
It's TRUE! I have had girls my age confess this very thing to me: "I pressured her into having sex with him because I had lost my virginity and, well, I knew it really wasn't great and I wanted her to feel bad with me."
In reality, sex was never that great for me with the boy I lost my virginity to. I regret it every day. It left me feeling inadequate--like something must be terribly wrong with me. Because of this I still feel like my vagina is wrong and weird. Just as a note, I lost my virginity about 7 years ago--YES, I STILL feel like my body is messed up because sex wasn't good and fun like everyone said it was.
If I could, I would take it all back and would keep my virginity. I wish I wouldn't have made that mistake years ago. What's crazy is that I believed the whole "wait until you're in a long-term relationship with someone you love and loves you" bullcrap. Yeah, I waited and was with the guy for a year and a half or so and was STILL left, STILL heartbroken, and STILL empty. Sex did not add fun like so many people claim.
Instead of making meaningless sex-memories, I wish I would have made true fun memories with my past. There are so many things I wish I would have done with my youth then (which, hey, I'm still youthful but you know what I mean probably). I wish I would have actually connected with my partner, heck, I wish I would have had enough sense to find a good partner that wouldn't deceive me. I wish I spent time learning about someone instead of trying to make something meaningless into something exciting.
If you have sex and something goes wrong then you will be scarred for the rest of your life. If things get out of hand, pregnancy occurs, you're hurt in some way, or you contract a STD from the activity you cannot take it back. You will have to carry that onto each and every partner you have after then. I'm not even talking about the emotional hang-ups that can develop from ONE activity.
Married couples simply do not have the problems that other sexual partners do. Also, giving your virginity to your partner on wedding night shows a huge amount of love--to save yourself for that special day, for that special person. Married couples never fear they're being used or will be left. They're able to open up and tell each other what they desire without fear. They know that if a pregnancy happens that they will get through it together with each other's support. They also aren't fearful of catching an STD from their partner because they know they're their only partner. Both partners tend to be fully satisfied because they're able to communicate well with each other and they're able to feel emotionally secure.
You risk STDs/STIs with each sexual contact. These can render you infertile and you won't be able to ever have children. If it doesn't do that, it could hide in you and you could end up spreading it to every partner you ever have without knowing it. Even at that, some STDs can deteriorate the brain and be so severe that they cause a long, painful death years later.
A lot of people have STDs/STIs and don't even know it. Many people don't show symptoms. You'd be amazed at how many people have accidentally given their infant a STD--especially herpes. The child grows up thinking that their symptoms are normal because the parents are so ashamed.
Along with the risk of sexually transmitted disease/infections is the risk of pregnancy. Having a child is a huge responsibility and NO "protection" is 100% effective in preventing pregnancy (or STDs, as a matter of fact). Having a child (or children in the case of twins) means being completely selfless. You have to support the child financially and emotionally. You have to tend to another human life every minute of yours.
For some shocking STD facts, check this out:
[Link](Mouse over link to see full location)
Here is also a link of photos of various STDs. Most of the photos are of males but there are a few female photos in there. Some are very scary. Don't worry about many photos popping up when you click the link, they're behind other links so you can choose which ones you might want to check out:
[Link](Mouse over link to see full location)
It's even tougher if you don't have a life-long partner to help share that huge responsibility. What's even scarier about that is that men and women today are just up and leaving their children with their partners to handle the responsibility all alone. This means people need to be pickier on who they reproduce with and stop sleeping with any thing that crosses their path even if they claim to love them. Making children isn't hard, it's raising them that gets complicated.
One night of sex can result in creating another life or living with a disease the rest of yours. I know many people who lost their virginity and became pregnant (or had gotten the girl pregnant) the same night. They weren't emotionally ready to have children but they made one mistake and they now have a tough road ahead of them trying to make enough money and time for their child.
Here are some facts about how much a baby costs within the first year of life; you should really check it out just for future issues as the knowledge could come in very handy:
[Link](Mouse over link to see full location)
Even if you think that you can have an abortion if there happens to be a pregnancy, think about the consequences of that action even. Some women suffer major depression for many years after having an abortion. There are cases of women committing suicide years after having an abortion because they couldn't deal with what they had done. Some women become infertile and can no longer have any children. Some really good men refuse to be with a woman who has had an abortion. Throwing a life away because you wanted to have some fun should be an unacceptable option.
The media feeds us a bunch of stupidity now. We're told that if we use condoms or the pill that we won't get pregnant or have STDs. The media tells us that we should be having sex with as many people as possible to become popular, famous, attractive, and overall liked. The media says that if we love someone that we should have sex and prove this love with that is not at all what we should be doing. We're told that we should give into our urges and that everything will be alright since we can throw away the consequences.
You should not be in a rush to have sex. You have plenty of years ahead of you. Anyone can have sex. Lots of people have sex with each other every day and don't have the slightest bit of care for their sexual partner.
Here is a link about some things you should think about before engaging in sex. The site really makes you think about things you overlooked before:
[Link](Mouse over link to see full location)
...and here is a link about virginity too. It gives good examples of what they're talking about so you're able to understand them clearly:
[Link](Mouse over link to see full location)
Trust me, one night of sex can really screw you over, especially when it entails losing your virginity. You set yourself up for so many mental and physical hang-ups it's ridiculous. Please protect yourself from going through heart-ache and future sexual issues.
Sex is not what other people say, I promise you. You shouldn't rush into it because you want to have fun and "enjoy" your youth. Enjoy your youth in less-harming ways. Look back at your past and have MEMORIES of THINGS YOU DID with others and not faded-out, half-assed memories of meaningless sex.
Keep your virginity and be worth something extra-special to your husband/wife in the future.
I hope that I've helped you open your eyes to a couple of things and informed you of facts you may have overlooked.
In addition, here are a couple of other Advicenators who are also wise in keeping their virginity:
[Link](Mouse over link to see full location)
[Link](Mouse over link to see full location)
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Opinions on "who is right" are almost as numerous and varied as they are all wrong. Nobody can make this choice for you, just as nobody can dictate any of your other morals.
Conventional wisdom tells you to save yourself for marriage. Conventional wisdom forgets to tell you that 88% of teens who vow abstinance can't keep their word (True story), and those that don't are far more likely to not use protection.
I'll spare you my opinion on virginity, because frankly, it isn't relevent here.
So, who is right? Nobody is. The side that says "Sex is fun and easy, have as much of it as you want with no consequences!" are living in a dream world, and the side that says "Don't have sex! You WILL get an STD and you WILL die!" are lying to themselves and everyone around them. As with all things, the truth is somewhere in the middle.
My advice to you is not to listen to anybody here, myself included. Everything you're being told by the TV, movies, your parents, your church, and us Advicenators about sex and virginity is (probably) wrong. Decide for yourself what "right" and "wrong" are. It's the most important choice you'll make in your life. As for being proud, you'll know if you are or aren't when you find your moral compass.
And of course, no matter what you decide to do, do it safely.
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This is a personal choice. Just because everyone is doing it, that doesn't make it right, and especially doesn't make it right for you.
It's not only about morals, it's also about self-control. I've had so many friends who swore they'd wait for marriage, but "one thing led to another" or they just became different people with different morals.
Anyways, don't let movies and the media influence you so hard. They may show the glamorous side, but what it really is is a lot of sex, drugs, addictions and a whole kind of mess. They don't talk about STD's, HIV, and the emotional baggage that comes with it.
They make sex look so easy and simple, like you said, you can do it as much as you want, but they don't do a good job of promoting safe sex. Even if you think you are in love with someone, you REALLY don't know if they have an STD. While there are people who have a lot of sex out there, just know that most of the girls who are like that do it because they hate themselves. Having sex makes them feel better and important, but afterwards they feel worse.
Whatever your morals may be, you should wait until you find the one, someone who you really trust and love. Some of us may meet that person early in life when we're young, or they don't meet that person until they're old enough to get married. I know a lot of people who regret their first time, but we all make mistakes and learn from them. Just do what you feel is right for YOU, not anyone else. It's your body and your life.
Best of luck
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It's different for everyone. I believe that people should wait for marriage and save themselves for the person they will spend the rest of their life with. Others think that we are naturally sexual beings and that it doesn't matter.
It really has to do with morals. You obviously have some morals [based on the fact that you've saved yourself], and to me- that's AWESOME.
Don't let movies, TV, or your friends tell you what's right, though. You have to decide for yourself, though obviously I think you should stay a virgin until you're happily married ;]
--Jack
(16/m)
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There is no right or wrong answer, virginity (and sex) is such a personal thing, it's a personal choice and everyone has a different opinion on it.
However, i do think your first time should be with someone special as it's such a huge landmark in your life, you want to get it right and make sure you wont regret it.
Having sex is the closest you can be to someone so (in my opinion) it should be with someone you love and trust.
However, after the first time, some people feel they are ready for some fun and just want to do it with any one. Again thats a personal choice and not for everyone.
If you feel you are not ready, then on't do it. Dont let anyone or anything influence you into doing something you might regret, and yes, you should be proud :-) x
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