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Parents Fighting (Again)
My parents are fighting. They are not considering a divorce but one in a while they just go at each other. It's really sad and since i am the oldest i want to do something about it. My little sisters get sad and cry when they fight and i want to help them. What can i do to make them realize what they are doing wrong? They both blame each other for things but truthfully it is always equally both their fault! I really need some good advice. Please don't give me the "talk to them" answer because right know i don't want to start anything else. Please help me. I really want to fix this becuase everytime they fight it bring up all these past things from like 15 years ago! Who cares about those things! Please help me. (sorry if this is long, i just feel very unstable and sad right now).
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It's almost depressing when the 16 year old daughter becomes the adult..I know you don't want to "talk" to them, but as said below you can write them a letter. They can walk away when you are talking to them, but once it's in writing they HAVE to read it. Tell them that they are truly affecting you and your siblings. If you don't want to write to them, write a journal entry about it, leave the book open. Let them "accidently" read it. Do whatever it takes to get the point across. For your sake and for the sake of your siblings I hope that they straighten up their act. Your brothers and sisters are great to have such a wonderful big sister!
<3 Leslie
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Well, you probably won't be able to stop your parents from fighting. But you might be able to stop them from fighting in front of you and your sisters. I know you said you don't want the "talk to them" answer... but what about writing them a note? You could say something like:
"Dear Mom & Dad, I'm sure you don't realize this, but sometimes when you get in a fight, it really scares and worries us. I know that there are times you disagree about things, and that every couple fights sometimes, but if it's possible to wait until we're not around, it would really make us feel better. We love you both and it just hurts to see you get angry with each other."
I'm sure they already realize that nasty fights in front of their kids are disturbing... and they probably feel pretty guilty about it. But when they're caught up in the heat of the arguement, they might forget that. So giving them a gentle reminder really might help. After reading your note, hopefully they'll make a pact, for your sake, to try a bit harder to keep things civil in front of you and your sisters.
Good luck!
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From one eldest sister to another, I know exactly what you are describing.
It wasn't my parents at war, which I'm sure must be worse, but my brother, father and some in-laws.
If you aren't willing to talk to them about this, the best thing you can do is ignore them and focus on supporting your siblings and providing mature distractions and explinations for them.
I found explaining to my little siblings that fights are NOT thier faults at all and that the people involved still loved eachother was sort of helpful, but the explaination that really stuck with them was this:
Parents are people too. They are good people who love us and take care of us, but they still make mistakes. Right now mom and dad are making a mistake by being mean to eachother. Nothing we can do will stop it. Just know that it is just a mistake and it's one they have to fix on thier own, as adults. Our job as kids is just to forgive them, not fix them.
Now, you don't HAVE to talk to your parents about this, but as you get older, you'll want too. The good place to start is when they bring it up. Calm statements like "Actually, I don't like when you talk about things that happened that long ago." Or "It makes me uncomfortable to talk about this." or "I don't think either of you are right, and I don't enjoy it when you fight."
Don't feed the monster by arguing with them or taking sides. Simply let them know that you are unhappy and uncomfortable with them both behaving that way. When they ask you point blank "Well, do think it's OKAY that he/she does THAT!?" the response is "I know you don't think it's okay, I just wish you both wouldn't fight so fiercely about it."
Let them blame it on eachother, just stick to your message: It doesn't matter who is at fault, you don't like what is happening.
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I had that growing up. My brother and I staged fake similar fights and they would get this look of "oh, oh" then they would talk in code (which we understood and they said, "they are becoming like us lets stop fighting). I also faked an eating disorder and let the counselor know about it and "let her " figure out that it was b/c of parents fighting, she talked to them. I don't know if you are old enough to have a boyfriend but if you are and have one (even a fake one) ask them for advice on "similar" problems you are having. Staging the fake fights really worked for me. Good Luck
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Hey, don't worry about it being long..I'm most always long winded. I'm sorry to hear that your parents fight so much!
AND, I'm sorry, I wish I had a wonderful cure for your situation, but, fact is, I don't. I can only give you advice on how to deal with it *frown* and try my best.
The one thing that you can really do to make a difference, because, as you said, talking to your parents isn't working..SO, maybe it's best to be there for your little sisters. Maybe you can distract them by playing with them while your parents fight? I KNOW this isn't the answer you needed, but along with what's following this- it's about all I got.
And unfortunately, you can't "fix" it. Your parents have obviously gotten used to this immature behavior and maybe they even use it like a drug = they may even fight to release natural endorphins.
I have a couple of ideas, but I cannot guarantee that they will work- or that it's in your best interest to use them. You know your family better than I do, and will know if it will work or not.
One thing you could do is break out the video camera..and tape them while they are unaware. And ONLY, and I do mean ONLY after they have made up and calmed down: show them what they say and do to each other and how it is affecting your sisters (videotape your sisters too). Hopefully, they will be shocked at their own behavior (most people do not realize what they do in the heat of an argument). If it works, maybe next time they will feel some guilt or other emotion that will trigger them NOT to fight, or at least, not to fight in you and your siblings presence!
Since, I don't know how strict (or emotionally abusive) your parents are, or your age...I don't know if this will work, but maybe when they fight you could just barge in, and I mean barge in on them, with your siblings in tow and chide them as if your the adult. Don't yell, but be sure to use emphasis on the capital words, use a pleading voice:
Say something like,.... "LOOK! Please LOOK what your doing to us! Don't you realize how this affects us? Don't you realize when you fight like this, that it makes me and my sisters cry and it upsets us to the point that it hurts us too, probably more than it hurts you?! Don't you want us to grow up and be successful and happy? How can we do that with all this emotional turmoil ruling our lives? How can my sisters learn anything different than how to argue?!
We love you!, please show us that YOU love us as much. PLEASE, PLEASE don't fight"
And in your most "adult voice". Maybe you could suggest this.."I understand that you are going through tough times. Maybe we could go live with relative "so and so" until you two can work this out.
I do hope I've helped at least a little. I took my best shot!
Blessings!
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You know I went through the same thing with my parents. When I was younger and they fought, they just brushed me off and told me to never mind. All I wanted was to help them and they just pushed me away. Now that I am older, they respect my opinion a lot more. While they still fight A LOT, I know that if I am home I can sort of be the peace keeper.
When your parents fight, you should try to get out of the house. Take your little sisters to the park. Bring some books and things to play with and don't come back until the three of you feel a little better.
You personally cannot stop the two of them fighting. They may need professional help. If they haven't realized that their arguments are affecting you and your sisters by now, they are not going to. Talk to your school counselor (or better yet another family member you trust) about all this. I'm sure they can help in some way.
If you aren't comfortable doing that, try to catch your parents on a day when things are calm and they aren't fighting. Pull them aside and TALK. I know that sounds scary and you think it will start things, but it may be the only way to get them to listen! Tell them all your concerns. Tell them you're worried about your sisters. Tell them how upset YOU are. You don't have to accuse them of doing wrong or anything, but you can point out to them how much their arguments are hurting the family. Just try to stay calm, have a cry if you need to, and open up to them.
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