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Admitted past cheating with new flame
I recently met a wonderful, mature guy in his forties (I'm in my thirties) and we spent a great night together and a long late breakfast the next afternoon in which we told each other quite a lot about our past relationships. I divorced four years ago after a marriage of seven years. This marriage was to my first boyfriend, my first sexual experience, and turned out to be somewhat abusive. I tried to get out of the marriage twice, first by simply telling him I wanted out. I stayed that time because I couldn't handle how much it seemed to hurt him to leave. The second time, I went off to an artists' colony for a month and actually cheated on him, the first time I'd ever done this before or after. I told him immediately and it was the end of our marriage. One of my friends thought the cheating was the only way my husband would have let me go.
So I told the new guy all of this. He had said something about my being mature enough to get out of the marriage or something that I thought wasn't quite right, wasn't quite honest if I agreed, so I told him of the cheating so he'd really know what happened and told him I suffered untold guilt about it for a long time.
Well now I'm wondering if I made a mistake, if my desire for honesty will simply scare him off instead. He took what I said very kindly, seemed to understand, but now I'm worried. Maybe it's just that I'm waiting for that call to see him again that's gotten me so worried. In any case, would you recommend this kind of honesty on my part in the future (on future dates, if this one doesn't work out)? Shouldn't I keep things open? Or am I just shooting myself in the foot.
Thanks,
handwringing
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Well personally i think your very brave. We are only human, We mess up sometimes, But you told him and owned up to it and felt guilty, So dont carry that weight on your shoulders anymore.
But as for this man, I do belive that it might be a bit frightening for a man to hear this so soon. But here is the thing, You were honest, And that is a very good thing, Its smart to be honest right out, It sets you up for a honest realtionship. And if this man is right for you he will see past it and calm down and try to be with you. But if not, Then he was not who you should be with anyway. Its good to allow that person to know who you are and what you've been through. But understand that if there are things in your life that you dont feel confortable talking about, And that thing cant effect a new reationship. Then dont ever feel dishonest for not speaking up. Because its your life and whatever happened had nothing to do with that new man. I hope i can help.
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The two sides of my head are saying two different things.
On one side, is the pragmatic side. I dont tend to tell new flames about issues with old ones. I am not about to bring up past mistakes. Thats why theyre past, and I learn from them so that they are not repeated.
On the other side, its good to be able to be completely honest with someone.
If this relationship sours, wait to admit to something like that until much deeper in the relationship. Wait until a point where there is enough trust between you that he will believe and understand that you cheated because of the marriage, not because you are that kind of person.
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Bravo! I don't think it will matter in your relationship. I think you just have nerves.
Pick up the phone and give him a call. Even
discuss what you are feeling now with him.
If he is a good man and an honest one, which
is what you want, all will be well. If for some reason it isn't then maybe he isn't right for you
anyway. If it scares him off then I guess in the
future you will just have to use your best judgment.
I think the truth will take you a lot further. :)
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Babe, you did the right thing. You went with your gut instinct first and foremost, and you can never go wrong by doing that. Second of all, you let him know then and there that you are an honest woman. A lot of women wouldn't have him what ACTUALLY happened, so the fact that you did so (when you didn't have to)says a lot of positive things about your courage. You're brave and bold. It lets him know that he can trust you.
I think that you should talk to him about it. Mention it again and let him know EXACTLY HOW & WHAT you feel about what you told him. Let him know how much you want him to trust you, and let him know that you don't want to scare him off by simply telling him the truth. Try to get some verbal response on his *take* of this and if it's not much, then don't push it. Don't make the issue any bigger than it already is. It's probably nothing. But find out anyway. That's the only way to attain peace of mind. OK, bye.
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I envy your honesty with this new guy because admitting to something like cheating (for whatever reasons anyone may have had) is something a lot of people will never do for the same reason you now have doubts. I think I can honestly say there are not many guys who would ever admit to cheating.
I don't know anything about anyone else but I truly appreciate anyone who can be honest. I think it's not a bad thing at all and if I were in his place I would appreciate that you could be so honest. I mean seriously if I was a guy who made it a habit to cheat I wouldn't set myself up by admitting I had once cheated. Whether or not he appreciates it or not and whether or not it will make things good or bad I think it was courageous of you to be able to admit something like that from your past. As for the future I think it really depends on who the person is. Some people can accept it and others can be very suspicious about everything and anything if you give them reason to be and you admitting this could just as well be that reason. On the other hand others will see it simply as a stage in your life from your past which you have left well behind and overcome.
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I think it was perfectly appropriate for the conversation you were having. It is great that you showed him you're able to be completely honest even at such an early point in the relationship. If anything, he'll see it as a sign that you're willing to be completely open about anything and that you aren't hiding anything about your past. I would be surprised if he is scared off by that. Since he is in his 40's, I doubt he is going to run off for petty reasons the same way a guy in his 20's would. You are probably worrying yourself over nothing.
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