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my mom is unsupporting
I've been playing soccer for the last 8 years. I've been on a select team for 5 or 6 years. My mom never supports me. She says I suck at soccer & I'm not aggressive & I'm the worst player in my city. It really hurts because I try so hard to show her that I actually have skills. All my friends say I'm one of the best players and they say I'm the best right wing they've ever met. And a lot of people don't make the select team, and I've made it every year. I've made it when people 2 years older than me haven't. So why does my mom say I'm horrible?
Oh yeah, and she says my sister is awesome at softball when her coach doesn't even know her name & it's only her second year and she can barely hit.
Ugh!!
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I had a mom like that so I can relate. I don't know the reason she is doing that since I don't know your mom- but whatever the reason, that's a terrible thing to do. I'm sure in her own mind she doesn't realize how she's hurting you (maybe she even thinks she's helping somehow by making you tougher or something) but I'm sure that's not how it feels to you! So maybe you should tell her how much it hurts you, how hard you're working and that it would mean a lot to you to have her support. Maybe then she'll realize that she can help you more by SUPPORTING you, not by putting you down. As for your sister, your mom sounds like the type of person that likes to route for the underdog...she doesn't see you as an underdog but your sister is, so that's why she acts the way she does. Again, I don't know her, but that's what it sounds like.
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Wow, that really stinks. But don't feel too bad... I've been around a lot of parents in a lot of different sports, and trust me, you are not the only person with this kind of problem! A lot of parents say stuff like that to their kids. And here's the reason...
All parents want their kids to be happy. But some parents confuse happiness with success. They think that you can only be happy if you're really successful, even "the best", at what you do. So they do crazy things that they think will help you succeed.
I'm sure your mom knows that you're really good at soccer. She's probably been told that many times... and perhaps that's given her visions of you getting a soccer scholarship, or becoming the next Mia Hamm. And she wants that really bad for you. So whenever you have a bad practice, or an off game, or another player seems to be doing better, she gets worried. She's afraid that her dreams of your success are in jeopardy. So she says things that she thinks will make you work harder. But unfortunately, she's going about it in the wrong way.
A lot of parents and coaches make that mistake. They think that insulting a player or cutting them down will make them work harder. They think the player will take it as a challenge to do better. But the truth is, most people don't do well when they feel bad about themselves... they do worse. Athletes perform their best when they feel good and confident in their ability.
I hate to tell you not to listen to your mom, but... when she says those things, don't listen to her. Just block it out and remind yourself of all your successes. And keep in mind that she's saying those things because she thinks she's helping you. She just doesn't understand how it all works! Just go out and play soccer and enjoy it, because after all, it's YOUR sport, not hers or anyone else's.
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There could be a lot of answers for this. Maybe she just wants you to always try your hardest. Maybe she thinks you are too conceited about your talent. Maybe she's jealous (yes, it happens). Maybe she's just picking on you. Are there other problems between you and your mom besides soccer? Sometimes in a family, there is a member who is referred to in psychology as "the identified victim." The term we would all be familiar with is probably "scapegoat." It is the person in the family who everyone blames for everything.
I had issues like this with my mother. She bought my sister school clothes and bought me nothing. She gave her money all the time and gave me nothing. Let her have her way and fought me at every turn. Let my sister have a lock on her door (even though she's the one who was always in trouble with the cops) and not me. You get the idea.
At the time, she would never admit that anything unfair was going on. Kept saying I was crazy, I was paranoid, I needed medication... Years later she finally admitted it, and never really gave me a real reason, other than I was "easier to deal with" than my sister.
I don't know the family dynamic in your family so I can't say if this applies to you. If it does, your whole family should get counseling. Soon.
If it doesn't, try pointing out your mom's behavior and ask her why she isn't more supportive. Tell her it'd be nice if you could feel like she was proud of you.
If she answers rudely or insultingly, let it go. Who cares what she thinks? If she isn't proud of you, that's her loss. Some people's approval you are never going to get and once that becomes apparent, you have to let it go. You don't need her approval. YOU know the truth. I know this isn't an easy thing to let go of, but if you need to you can in time. And you'll be happier.
Hope this helps!
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The reason why is because she feels bad for her,since she knows your good at soccer she doesn't want to bring down her child by letting her know that she is bad at softball,you should be happy,because you are a great athlete from the things you just confirmed about,you need to talk to your mom,to let her know it would mean so much if she would support you and stand by your side.
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I think your mom's priorities are out of line- either that or you're lying to us. I'm not sure, because very few mom's say "You suck at this!" to their child unless they are high or drunk. Most parents will lie to their child if they don't want them to feel discouraged. Maybe that's why your mom is telling your sister she's awesome if she really isn't. Maybe your mom thinks that your sister needs more of the "You ROCK!" about her sport-playing, because she's not as good.
Well, certainly I don't know for sure. It seems odd that your mom would do this. Talk to her. Sit her down- and say "Can we have a serious talk about something?" and hopefully this will get her to listen up. Say something like "Mom, I really love playing soccer, and I've made the select team every year when other people older than me haven't. I may not be the best player EVER to live, but I think that I'm pretty decent. It hurts me when you say 'You suck and you're the worst player in the city'. Is this really what you think? Well if it is, can you keep it to yourself? It really makes me feel like you don't care about me when you do this." Etc., etc. I suggest that you don't bring your sister's performance with softball into this. Doing so will make you seem like a jealous brat in your mom's eyes.
Good luck!
--Jack
(15/m)
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