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My Family has ruined everything
Background: I'm East Indian but born in America, but my parents were immigrants to this country. I've always been loyal to my family, but its almost like they are determined to sabotage any happiness in my life.
The girl I was going to marry- they hated b/c she wasn't Indian or up to their standards, and made my life and hers such a living hell that she had to leave. I love her still, but I know that my parents will never accept her.
I'm debating if I should just bid my parents and my family goodbye and try to find myself? My parents were arranged and they expect the same for me. I don't want that, but I'm torn b/c I'm loyal to my family but I want to be in love when I get married.
This pain of conflict is tearing me apart inside, that I've started drinking too much at times and maybe taking some other pharmaceuticals to relieve the pain (ie vicodin, percocets).
I still love her and I don't think that I'll ever get over the girl I was going to marry.
(sorry if this doesn't make sense, but i'm a bit drunk while writing this).
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There is not an easy answer.
I understand that most of the problem is a severe culture clash. While you obviously love and respect your parents; you were born and raised in America. Whether you are heavily involved in your heritage or not; the beliefs and the opinions of this nation are a part of you.
But no one said you ever had to choose one over the other. Where is the middle ground? I don't know...
What I do know... I spent the first twenty years of my life trying to be what my family (mostly my mother) expected me to be. Trying to live my life the way they thought I should... Walking down a path to a future I had not chosen.
My family is Christian. They expected me to be a good, godly young woman... Marry a nice man that I had met at church. And spend the rest of my life barefoot and pregnant.
And then one day... I nearly lost my mind. I almost attempted to commit suicide.
Afterwards I realized that my problem was that I didn't know who I was. I had spent most of life parrotting the beliefs and opinions of others, adopting their likes and dislikes, being what they wanted me to be, and trying to accomplish the goals that they had set for me. I woke up asking myself, "Who am I?"
The journey to finding myself has not been easy and it isn't over. But ever day I am one step closer to seeing the bigger picture. I've realized that I disagree with many of the beliefs that the Christian church holds. I've also realized that I don't want to get married or have children any time soon... And I think I'd like to have a career.
My family doesn't like a lot of the ideas that I have. Tough. I am who am and I've decided that I'm not changing for anyone but me. They'll just have to accept it. It's been easier for them to accept the changes they've seen in me than it will be for your parents to accept the changes that you are bound to make...
So... My advice is... Life is too short to live for anyone else but you. Live your life... You will make some hard decisions and the consequences that those decisions may incur can and will be rough. But the question to ask is, would you'd rather your life be a little more difficult if you could live and love as you want? Will obeying your parents mean misery? Who are you? What do you want?
Drop the alchol and the pills. Now is not the time to drown your sorrow. Now is the time for you to live life to the fullest... To discover who you are and everything the future holds for you, one way or the other.
Whatever path you take, I hope it is the path of your chosing... I wish you happiness... I wish you strength and courage.
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There is nothing in the world, nothing your family can give you, no amount of love and care, will help you when you are lying next to a woman you dont love who is your wife and feeling alone in the world.
I come from a roman catholic family. Our traditions are different, but no less strong. And not so different in the area of family approving of you, or your potential spouse. I understand very well the potential for permanent estrangement. I am not on speaking terms with anyone in my family. They disapprove both of my life and of the company I keep. They refuse to have anything to do with me until I am the person they want me to be.
Your parents decided to allow themselves to be arranged in marriage. They were ok with that. You are not. And for someone who desires romantic love there could be no worse existence than one completely devoid of it.
Tell your parents to fuck off and go after the girl you love. You will regret it if you do not, probably for the rest of your life. Find yourself a partner that you approve of, make her the center of your world, and with that accomplished move on to tackle the rest of your life. I will tell you from experience that life in all its aspects is better when you go to bed and curl up next to the woman whom you want to spend the rest of your life with, and whom wants the same with you.
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I think you should discuss how you feel with your parents, tell them what you want?
it might be hard but sit down and ask your parents "what qualities would you like your daughter in law to have?" and then tell them what type of a wife you would want.
It is hard for parents too you know, they want what they think is best for their children and they will not know this until you tell them? so start off talking with your parents, and if you have any more questions you could always post another question.
good luck talking to your parents, makesure you stay calm, and remember drinking is not going to bring the love of your life back, too much alcohol consumption can affect male fertility as well as female fertility, and i'm pretty sure you would not want that when you do get married. Have word with your parents, they would also be upset seeing you in this situation, so tell them what will make you happy.
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Hi,
I am very sorry for your pain and turmoil. It is hard when two very different worlds collide like yours has. I am in my 50's and have been married twice. Both marriages ended badly. I have given a lot of thought to "arranged marriages". Bear with me, I am not saying your parents are correct. But here, if we knew that we had to make "good" matches for our kids when they grew up, we would raise better kids. They would be responsible, reliable, respect women, not be violent, not abuse drugs or alcohol, because we want some young ladies parents, or young man's parents to think highly of our son or daughter and believe them to be good marrying material.
I married for "love" but chose poorly. My husband(s) were not supportive, they were violent, angry, and treated me very badly. I can only hope that my parents would have chose better for me. Well they say they would have anyway.
SO in my case, love was not all that it was supposed to be. Two people who have the same values can have a wonderful life together and fall in love BECAUSE they are good spouses who support, cherish, respect and would never do anything to hurt the other spouses feelings. They are they for them when things go bad.
Her is another thought, I know that East Indian Families are very close. And many young adults grow even closer to their parents when they become families and have children, etc. If you disobeyed your parents and married the girl that you love, they would disown you. You would have no contact with them. Can you live with that? You would be living a life with your wife and family and children and have NO CONTACT with your family at all? What would that be like for you.
I know they say that love conquers all, and there have been cases where kids have gone against their parents wishes and married someone that their parents didn't approve of, but this coupld has to be VERY VERY strong. And here you are abusing drugs and alcohol because you are not getting you way. The drugs and alcohol are not going to help. They show that you are not prepared to do the hard work that it would take to live a life without your parents.
SO so you leave and marry the girl you love anyway, then feel a great void in your life because of the loss of the love and respect of your parents....will you turn to drugs and alcohol to deal with that loss. And when you do, you will be shutting yourself off from your wife and children who still need you. You are setting yourself up to fail at everything.
YOu really need to think about the long term affects of your behavior. Three things.
What will happen if I leave and marry the girl I love? What will happen if I do what my parents expect of me? And what will happen if I continue to use drugs and alcohol to deal with controversy?
Please give it all some thought.
I wish you well, and strenght to go through whatever decision you make.
Michele
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Its time for you to live your on life. Even if this means leaving your parents for a little while. You should worry about your happiness and what matters to you. Move away if thats what you want to do, but stay in touch. They will be dissappointed, but when they see that your happy they will get over it.
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