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Do we need more time together or some time apart? <<< Previous Question
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How do i get my daughter from taking advantage of us?


Question Posted Monday July 2 2007, 1:30 am

my daughter married into a family that has babyed her from day one. she now has 3 children. she and kids live with inlaws. only time we hear from my daughter is when she wants something. the inlaws babysat these kids since they were born. now they are feeling like they are being taken advantage of. the mother inlaw and sister inlaw are giving my husband and i a hard time. they want us to babysit more. mind you we love the children but mother in law and sister inlaw do not have jobs. my husband and i have full time jobs 40+ hours a week. they want us to quit our jobs to babysit. we can't do that. we sometimes work weekends too.
they call us bad grandparents because we don't baby sit. when my children were growing up i didn't dare ask my parents to take the kids. i felt i had them so i should have them with me. only time my parents took the kids was when they asked for them, because they worked too. the mother in law told my daughter that she will do everything possible to keep those kids from my husband and i if something was to ever happen to my daughter and son in law. she is doing this because we don't babysit the kids. if we call off work to babysit we will lose our jobs. my daughter doesn't bring the kids over for a visit when we can see them. the only time we get to see the kids is if we babysit. so we don't get to see the kids because we have to make a living. is the mother inlaw right or am i right?



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TheWallflower answered Monday July 2 2007, 12:51 pm:
This sounds like a complicated situation. Since I don't know those people you were talking abut, I can't tell you what to say to them because it could lead to a disastrous effect.

I can tell you that the in laws you were talking about don't sound like they are exactly the best of people and you should not really care what they have to say about you being bad grandparents. Also talk to your daughter more about this situation. Try to explain to them your beliefs and what you do in your household.

Also, why should the grandparents be the ones always burdened with children? No offense to your daughter, but she sounds like she has some flaws to. Maybe it's time she grows up a bit and takes care of the children herself? Even if she does work, she can find a sitter or something. Or, could you possibly babysit the kids after work or call in for a sick day every now and then so you can babysit the kids?

From what it sounds like, you are doing nothing wrong. I hope you resolve this situation.

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Michele answered Monday July 2 2007, 8:29 am:
HOney, you said it all when you said that you did not expect your parents to babysit your kids, you had, and they were your responsibility. You set an example, that your daughter chose not to follow. Her in-laws gave her the easy way out. You didn't say whether or not your daugther works. If they are just babysitting because she is 'overwhelmed" from raising three kids, well then they created that monster. If they are babysitting because she is working, then she needs to quit her job and stay home with her kids. Then they can go to work. It may be that her and her husband are working and bringing in income to the house and supporting the in-laws. If that is the case it seems like a fair trade to me. You are being manipulated and the kids are being used as pawns. I don't know that there is any satisfactory answer to this dilema. When adults choose to manipulate people, especially children, there is not much you can do. Sometimes getting involved makes things worse. My advice is that you resist getting caught up in this. The kids should not be used as pawns. To me it seems the damage is done with these people, you will never change their veiws, but who cares what people like this think of people like you and your husband who are responsible and don't ask for anything. There is hope that some day when the grandchildren are gown and adults themselves, that they will choose to have a relationship with the two of you. I won't say that this situation doesn't hurt, I know that it does, but being used and manipulated hurts more.
Good luck to you both.

Michele

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xXxPuNki-PiXiExXx answered Monday July 2 2007, 4:28 am:
You are definatley right. Your mother and sister in law are unemployed so they would have more of a reason to babysit but they probably want you and your husband to do it because they just can't be bothered. You should say no if they ask you to quit your job because that really isn't their choice and none of their buisness. You should be able to see your grandchildren when you are able to and not when they decide you should. I think you should talk to your daughter about all of this. If i was you i would be pretty mad because it's your decision if you want to work or not and you can't give that up to babysit your grandchildren when they can do it themselves. I think they just don't want to do it so they're trying to make you do it. You obviously love your grandkids and it's insulting to say your bad grandparents when they're being horrible to try and force you to change your life to do something they just don't feel like doing. If no one was able to take care of your grandchildren then that would be a reason to quit your job but the fact is there is people to and they're being bad family for not accepting that they don't have jobs and can take care of the kids and trying to force this duty upon you and your husband. You have a right to see your grandchildren when its a good time for you. Stand up to your mother and sister inlaw, it's about time someone did!

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Alpha345 answered Monday July 2 2007, 4:25 am:
It sounds like you have a terrible daughter. No child should deny the right for their parents to see their children. My great uncle never saw his grandchildren because his sons wanted his money and when he wouldn't give it, they wouldn't let him see them.

You can't take off work and it is foolhardy to try and make the effort when your job is at stake. They have no job and all the time in the world. While babysitting is a painstaking and time consuming job, the in-laws have all the time in the world to do it.

They aren't being taken advantage of at all. They chose to baby your daughter and take care of everything themselves and for them to expect you to help babysit while balancing 40 hour+ jobs is unrealistic. And downright impossible if you were to quit your job.

You don't have the luxury of time like they do. Therefore, they really have no reason to be mad or upset. Yes they are babysitting, but it sounds they are just being lazy. Not to mention the fact that your daughter is distant anyway and only comes around when she needs something. It's bad parenting and unfortunately, there probably isn't much you can do.

You're right in every sense, plain and simple. Hopefully your daughter will atleast come around enough to let you see your grand children..and hopefully the mother in law learns more sense.

-Ryan

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