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Should I tell everyone about my wife and my best friend chea
Dear Mrs. Web,
Three months ago, my wife abruptly separated from me and moved across the country. Recently, my wife revealed that she and one of my best friends had sex several times within weeks of her leaving. This friend was a groomsman at our wedding, and has been close to me for 5 years or so. My conundrum involves what I should do with this knowledge. We are all part of a tight knit group of friends from college has stayed close even years after we graduated.
I worry that revealing this knowledge will tear our group apart and hurt so many people. On the other hand, it feels like a difficult burden to carry this experience around without having those people who are closest to me aware of what I am going through. Should I tell my friend that I know about his infidelity with my wife? Should I tell some of our closest friends about this infidelity so they can comfort me, or should I keep it to myself so that our group of friends can stay strong? I'm extremely torn about what to do, and would love to hear any advice you have.
Thanks,
Torn and confused
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Tell your friends. You need people to support you
in this. How they treat your wife and her friend
is up to them. I call him her friend because he
isn't yours.
As far as he goes, if they are still communicating,
she has probably already told him you know. If
not, then I would do as ygs mentioned and simply
ask him how he could do that to a friend. I would
be careful not to lay it entirely on him. He is at
fault big time but he shares it equally with your
wife.
I do think you need to say something regardless of
what happens in the group. You aren't going to
want to socialize with those two, I don't think.
The group needs a truthful reason of why that is.
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I am sorry for what happened to you. It is such a sticky situation, so it's totally understandable how you're torn also. You definitely need a confidant and should open up about what happened. It's unbelievable that a friend who was a groomsman and especially a college friend would do something like that.
My best advice is ask him first. See what he says. I know it's going to be tough to go up to him and ask him, but frankly it's the only sensible thing to do first. Just ask him honestly, and see what he says. You can most likely tell if you're friend is lying to you. If he does lie that's when I think you should go to your group and say something to them. They should know the truth. If he does come clean, depending on how reacts, tell them the truth too. They have a right to know that something like this went on within the group. Your friends will probably be shocked and all, and most of them probably will not like the news, but they need to see how one friend treated you. I don't see how you could even go on acting like everything is okay knowing what he did.
I would think most of the friends in your group would be upset at him for sleeping with your wife, then at you for bringing it to their attention. So in the long run your friend is going to be the one who has people frustrated with him, and wanting to loosen a tie.
I wish you luck and hope this helps you. Stay strong through this difficult time you can most definitely come though this. If you need message me again.
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This is horrible..but in my opinion i think you should go to your friends for comfort and support. Why worry about the group being torn apart? Your friend who cheated with your wife desserves to be cut off from this group of friends. Thats not a true friend at all and the only friends you should have in your life are the true friends. My friends help me get through all the problems in my life..so i think you should talk to them about how you feel. Dont keep quiet just because one of your friends of the group was the cheater. He doesnt desserve your friendship
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Okay, first of all I'm am so sorry you have to go through all of this. No one should have to go through a painful breakup that is caused by cheating :| Okay now my advice:
Firstly I do not think you should get your friends into this at this moment. It may stir problems within your group and get everyone talking. Although in the future I do think you should confide in them, since it happened just a couple months ago you should let yourself have sometime to cool down before telling them.
Personally, I would go to the one man who did this and talk to him. Just tell him that you know and how you feel. Let him get a chance to talk and see how it goes.
In the end, this whole situation is completely your decision and I hope that I have helped you through this difficult time.
Hoping I helped,
FiaBean
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***EDIT***
I agree that it is something that is hard to bring up to him. If I were in your shoes I would start by simply asking "Why? How could you do that to me, I thought you were my friend?"
He'll know EXACTLY what you are talking about, and the discussion will move forward from there.
-ygs
Well, if your group of friends loses it's strength, you have to realize that it is NOT YOUR FAULT.
First and foremost you need to talk to your friend so you can be sure you have the facts.
What if your wife was just making it up in an attempt to stab your open wound? We women folk can be that way at times... She may be hurting and wanting you to feel as bad as she does, or she may just be wanting you to feel bad. I'm not saying "Oh I'm sure this is how it is" but I'm saying it IS a possibility.
And if you need comfort from your closest friends, then by all means, SAY SOMETHING. They are your tight-nit friends for a reason. They will want to be there for you and be a shoulder to lean on during your time of need- that's what friends are for. You would want to be there and support any of them if they were in your shoes, right?
And, if it so happens tight bonds become loosened, then you must remember that your cheating friend will be the one who suffers from that, not you. And that is as it should be- he made the CHOICE to lay his friendships on the line when he chose to have sex with your wife.
ygs-29/f
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He's your best friend, he shouldn't have had sex with your wife. It's as simple as that. Confront, let him know that what he did was unacceptable. Never let something like this stay inside of you, it'll just eat you up. I'm not sure what all is going through your head but if it were me in your situation, I would no longer call this guy my "friend". Yeah, you don't want to break up your group of friends, but do you honestly think that it's better to not say anything to him?
As for your other friends, that's up to you. What I would do is tell one or two people that I really trust and ask them not to spread the word until you're ready. Not everyone needs to know right now, even if they are your close friends. But, it is good to have one or two people to be able to talk to and be able to vent to.
Good luck
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