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Plagued by a messed-up ex
I'm a 25-year old New Yorker who generally enjoys her life - I have a great job, good friends and lots of hobbies. However, my on-again/off-again boyfriend of 3 years makes me too miserable to enjoy all this.
During the times we've been together and the times we've been far apart (I went away to grad school last year, and meanwhile he took a job in Boston) there has been incredibly intense passion between us. We fight and cry, but our resolutions are amazingly intense as well. Our 'downs' usually result from his being unhappy (he is quite unhappy and critical by nature) and taking it out on me; however, this makes the 'ups' feel so good... like I've won him over or something. In recent years, he's done things like moving all the way back to NY to be with me, before backing out and deciding that to be with me would be 'unfair to me'. Sometimes we date, sometimes we just sleep together, sometimes we don't talk for months. The roller coaster is an intense and heartbreaking ride. I know deep down that a good relationship should be more stable, and that he is too messed-up be able to give me that. But I am also addicted to his drama and passion, and I love him - I find myself wanting to stick with him until he is well enough to treat me right.
I'm sure it sounds as if I already know what I need to do - and I do, intellectually. But it's been years and I just can't seem to internalize that understanding. My emotions just won't comply. I was truly in love with him - and now I stay up at night depressed that being in love doesn't really mean anything. I miss him terribly and cry nearly every day; I can't take other men that I date seriously. I really need words of wisdom to help me free myself from this mess.
Thank you...
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Of course you know that a good relationship should make you feel happy and stable. It seems that the only time you feel this way is when you two make up from one of the 'down times.' You seem to be looking for a long-term, stable relationship that won't make you feel as though you don't know what to expect. Most people want to feel the thrill of the roller coaster, as you put it, but again, a roller coaster is full of intense ups and downs. You have been going out for about three years, so at this point, you shouldn't be at the stage where you really don't know what's going to happen next. Maybe the roller coaster will plunge so rapidly that it's really difficult to even get to the same high. Don't beat yourself up over this- talk to him about it, and let him know exactly how you feel. I'm sure you really do like him, or even love him, but if it's too much for you, you may have to re-evaluate the relationship.. it may not be the best thing for you. It all depends on your situation; there are no easy words. But from what it seems like, this isn't a healthy relationship..it you can do something about it, by firmly explaining your situation, then hopefully it can get better. But then again, it's not easy to change people, so try not to keep your hopes up. Play it by ear...(a good friend couldn't hurt either).
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Dear Plauged,
"I'm sure it sounds as if I already know what I need to do - and I do, intellectually....My emotions just won't comply."
Ah, the constant battle between brain and heart. I know it well and its one of the most frustrating kinds of fights that can take place, because essentially its you versus...well, you. So in addition to the exhausting emotional rollercoaster your boyfriend is putting you through, you're that much more tired and stressed out from your own internal arguments. Man do you need a vacation!
I have to commend you for the enormous amount of patience and understanding you've provided for this guy. You are one hell of a girlfriend! There are not many women around who would have the heart to consistantly forgive some of the harsh behavior this guy has demonstrated, nor would many people accept his emotional instability and put in the insurmountable work and time it takes to sort things out and reconcile matters no matter how badly he's lashed out. And I assume that's why its so hard to completely seperate yourself from this guy. I mean, you've worked so hard and dedicated so much time and so much of yourself...and now what? Throw it away? It seems too painful because it feels like such a waste....
but its not.
I once read that Native Americans occasionally hold ceremonial fires where they will burn artwork and other things they've created. Not because they don't care for them - they certainly do...but its a way of letting go, of not letting what they've created hold them back from exploring new creations, of seeking out new paths of creativity, of expanding their minds and themselves. I'm sure its painful to watch something they've created and that they love slip away. But the experience itself teaches how to let go of something before you become obsessed with it, and it holds you in one place. It might seem extremely hard to do, but growth can sometimes hurt. After all that's why they call 'em "growing pains".
With that said, first off, don't burn up your boyfriend. ;)
But take some time to reflect on this creation, and realize that the loss of it may be painful, but the work and time and care you put into it is NOT, I REPEAT, IS NOT a waste. The love you gave him is something you should be proud of, because it shows your capacity to unconditionally care for someone, and that makes you a great human being. Plus the lessons you've learned here are priceless - nothing is more valuable than experience. I hope you change your habits quick - and instead of staying up at night depressed that 'love doesn't mean anything', you sleep soundly knowing that your ability to love is outstanding, and that it can even soothe the most unpredictable and unstable of personalities. You are a living example that love truly does exist and mean something, because this guy may have time apart from you, but eventually he realizes that whatever he's looking for, its not as fantastic as what you give to him, and he comes crawling back to it. The problem is, when he does come back for it, he doesn't appreciate all that you give to him, and takes you for granted, because he knows you'll put up with it. In my experience, the professinals call what he's doing "emotional abuse". The hurt of him being critical towards you and fighting with you, the high of him finally being kind and caring towards you, and then back down again. Its abusive towards you because of the stress and pain it causes you, and the power it gives him.
It really, really worries me that you're waiting around for him to treat you right, because he already knows you'll put up with most of the crap he dishes out, and that leaves you waiting...and waiting, and waiting. THAT is what's extremely unfair to you. Moving to New York to be with you isn't "unfair to you' - that move would have been plenty fair and an indication of how much he cares for your happiness. And you deserve to be shown, not just told, how much your happiness and your peace of mind means to him.
There is this saying, "I can do bad by myself" that I often use in relationship advice, because a lot of the women that happen to ask me questions are being emotionally abused by their partner, and then taking it one step further by emotionally abusing themselves for "failing" in the relationship. But you've failed nothing here - you've done your part and given your all. Unfortunately, it takes two to tango, and this fella just aint doing his part. You deserve someone who is going to give as much as you, and the way to find that person is for YOU to treat yourself well first.
With all of that said, I'm going to give you two pieces of advice. One is: start doing little things that remind you of what a great person you are, and thereby result in treating yourself well. all the work you're pouring into this relationship needs a little redirection, and a that work needs to be given towards your own self-improvement, instead of his. So start doing things to remind yourself that YOU can make YOU feel good, and that you don't need this relationship-drug dependancy. After a three-year relationship of mine ended, I started talking to a therapist (this helps as well if you can afford it) and she suggested i put little signs up around my apartment stating good thing, positive traits about myself. It sounds cheesy, I know. But I have to admit, it did help, when I looked in the mirror in the morning, and saw a little post-it that said, "you're much stronger than you give yourself credit for". It made me smile, it made me feel good, and it made me feel a little prouder. And I think you could use a dose of all those feelings, plauged. This guy has you pretty beaten up inside, and its something you can do to start to rebuild your confidence and refocus you onto you. This is a time when you need to be your best friend. Its time to take good care of that chick!
You say you have a great group of friends? Use 'em! Although you may not want to 'burden' them with this stuff, they're your friends, and its their job to be there for you when you're going through a tough time. There's nothing people love to hear more than "I need you". Tell your friends you need their help to get through this, their support, their encouragement to get out and do things, but to also understand when you start to feel down. EVERYONE needs support.
My second piece of advice is to slowly but surely distance yourself from this guy. I know it seems impossible, that's why I'm not suggesting cold turkey. But in my experience, the more time I spent building myself up personally, and spending time with friends and loved ones that truly cared for me and wanted me to be happy, the more I realized that 3 year relationship I was in was just plain poison for me. It caused me to spiral into random depressions, and stifled me from doing the things I wanted to do and pursuing new things as well because ...well, it was all about him. Sound familiar?
I know the head and the heart speak completely different languages. Everytime someone says, "God, how can she stay with him?!?" They're coming from the logical side. Logic is so much easier...you can make decisions coldly and quickly. But when emotions are involved its a whole different story, and they can often make you seem like an insane woman. (I really speak from experience there.)
PLEASE try to start distancing yourself though. Not picking up the phone here, skipping a date there, and then eventually, as you know you must, move on, and let him leetch off of someone else's emotions.
Once again, please know that you're a good girlfriend and give yourself the credit that you've given your all. I hope you take actions towards giving to yourself, being good to yourself, because you deserve it so much, and it seems long overdue.
Best of luck in this difficult situation, and please feel free to write me again at any time!
Take good care honey, and sorry for the novel of an answer,
Tissues for Issues
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Sometimes, your head has the answer that your spirit just won't accept. I think you may have hit the nail on the head saying that you are addicted to drama, or, better put, the intensity of this relationship. While love may not be a choice that you can make, how you act upon this love is. When it comes down to deciding rather or not to continue this, you have some logical questions to ask yourself: What are your future goals in the aspects of family? Do you want children and a stable mate with which to build a future with? Or will this touch-and-go lamenting kind of relationship meet your needs? Are you, perhaps, addicted to even the depression it causes? Sometimes we need intense feelings as an affirmation that we are alive. Maybe that is what you are getting out of this relationship and why you do not write this person off.
However, as far as "winning him over"---I've been through this, girl. For a long time I had a very unstable lover that every morning that I woke up with him still next to me (even though I knew he was crazy over me, he was much like your guy sounds) it felt like a victory. That's not a battlefield you want to be on.
It's a highly personal matter. No one can make this decision but you. The answers are all right there within you, and so is the resolve to do what needs to be done.
I can't promise that you will get over him. The truth is that you probably won't. Remember this, though: The amazing thing about love is that it is resilient and diverse. Like a tulip that blooms every year, it comes from the same root but is a completely different flower every spring. You may always be weak in the knees when you see this person, but I'm quite sure that you will find a completely different person who will be just as vibrant in your life. It may not be the exact same love, but love nonetheless.
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I think you're right. You already know exactly what to do....and you also know that knowing something intellectually and developing the strength to act on it emotionally are two different things.
The simple fact is, you are gaining something from this drama, uncertainty, and rollercoaster of emotions. The question is whether it is something healthy or not.
Waiting for him to be 'healthy' isn't a good solution. It's simply not going to happen. This is not as if he is a sixteen year old who is bound to grow up or grow out of phases. He's an adult.
And if this is not what you want from a relationship, then you need to think seriously about your options. Making it work with this guy would probably involve you each getting some time and space, perhaps in counselling, to work through your feelings. And then perhaps looking at couples counselling as well.
This is only if you decide this is salvageable. Even when we love someone, it does not mean the relationship is stable, healthy, or has a future. Genuine love is dependable, consistent, and transparent. Game playing and rollercoasters never lead to a succesful partnership.
It is normal to feel devestated and confused at the end of a relationship. It is also normal to be ambivalent and confused.
You need to think about what is best for you, and then decide if you are brave enough to take steps that will make you happier. A lot of people stick with what they know rather than take a risk - even when they know a risk would do well for them. I wouldn't beat yourself up over this. As you are finding it, it can be incredibly difficult to reconcile the feeling/thinking split. Again, I think some counselling might offer you support to have some time and space to work on this.
Unfortunately, I don't think I have the wisdom to get you out of this situation. I do believe, though, that you have it within yourself. You have the ability to discover what will make you happy and act on it.
Love does mean something. And so does taking YOURSELF seriously. I wish you nothing but the best.
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It is difficult for me to answer your question, as it is outside my experience. I've only ever had two serious relationships in my life, and neither of them were anything like what you describe. As my first piece of advice, I recommend you post this question to the general board.
Here's the essential problem: you grew up, and your relationship didn't. The relationship you started with was an immature one - and that's not necessarily a bad thing! Many relationships start off as "young love" which is more selfish and thoughtless than a more "grown-up" kind of love, but it is also very exciting and wonderful. As a relationship matures, the excitement level inevitably drops, the peaks and valleys level out, and some of the passion goes out of it - and that's something that some people just don't want to let happen, especially if it's been REALLY exciting, like yours obviously was.
Now, however, I think you're starting to realize that it can't last for long that way. Roller coasters are fun, but they go in circles. You seem ready to move on and actually go somewhere, and it would seem that he hasn't reached that point yet.
Basically, you need to figure out whether he ever will, and how long you'll have to wait for it. Maybe he can get his act together, but men have a certain characteristic that women do not always have: they will stick tenaciously with their habits until compelled to change them. He's not necessarily remaining immature because he CAN'T grow up; it probably hasn't even occurred to him to try, because it's working for him at the moment.
One way or another, you have to move on from the relationship you had. It is not sustainable, and left unchecked the bad times will get worse and the good times will get fewer. You can either leave him and move on, or you can ask if he's willing to change. It's a fair thing to ask - too many people seem to think that it's somehow wrong to expect someone to change for you, when it reality we must all change a little in order to make love work between two people. No couple has ever been totally compatible in all ways just the way they are.
Don't go back to him so that you can have things the way they were. Go back to him only if you are both willing to try and make things different. If either or both of you can't do that, then don't go back to him at all. Time will heal your heartbreak.
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Wow. Your assessment seems pretty complete and I am impressed that you have such internal self-awareness. Now for the hard part. If suddenly you got your wish would you be happy? Think about that. Actually, I bet you are thinking not only about whether or not you would be happy, but what indeed your real wish is. The fact that you have taken this one man and given him this much power in your life is not healthy for either one of you. It is too much pressure for him to handle, and it is not realistic. You can't take other men seriously, because your perspective on what is normal is too serious. Why do you want and need this drama in your life? Because it has been normal for you all your life. Did you have a dramatic childhood or parent? Did your father play a disappearing act? You are looking for a man to make a dramatic change, but you would not be happy when the change happened and then that was it. You would get bored, actually you would feel unsatisfied. You intentionally choose what you can't have, because it is the only thing you want. This is not about him. It is about you and your childhood wishes. I'm not Freud, but most of us are basing our adult dreams on childhood nightmares. You will not be content with this man or any other until you come to terms with what you wanted and did not get in childhood. Then you will stop looking for it in your adult life. Free yourself.
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