Question Posted Wednesday January 31 2007, 4:04 pm
My boyfriend calls me names and tells me I am all sorts of horrible things. I don't think that is acceptable in the slightest, but I guess I DO, because I'm still with him, right? I have this state of mind that I am not all of the bad things he tells me I am, unless I stay with him... then I feel as if I have become those awful things. Which makes me feel like I deserve to hear everything he has to dish out. Afterall, why should he respect me when I don't even respect myself? Isn't that true?
Thing is, I wouldn't stand for this behavior from anyone but him, and that is a fact I am sure of! I have never taken poor treatment of any degree in the past, and I come from what someone would call the "perfect" family whose parents have the "perfect" marriage. I was raised right. I was taught manners, and I know the importance of respect. So why am I still with him?
He really just has a poor attitude. He is only mean to me when he loses his cool, but he is everything I've ever dreamed of when his temper is straight. So our goods outweight our bads. But does that make his act okay? We are both in our early 20's, and we do not live together. We've been a couple for years, but he hasn't always been this way. I'm not afraid of him physically hurting me or my loved ones, but yet I still can't find the strength to leave. I feel like the most disgusting, pathetic excuse for a human being for admitting this, but..... I feel like I have nothing better to run to. I've grown up a lot over the past few years, and he's been there through everything. He is such a part of my life, that I feel too scared and flat out lazy to lose him only to take a step backwards.
Do you think I deserve this treatment for having not yet left? I feel like I have brought this all on myself. I have, haven't I? Because I am the only one who can stop it, and I haven't, correct? Can anybody help me with finding a train of thought to help myself gain the courage and self-respect it would take to break away from him? And stay away?
christina answered Wednesday January 31 2007, 7:49 pm: I don't think you deserve this treatment at all. I would leave the relationship asap. There is no right time to leave except now. Verbal abuse will eventually lead to phsical, mental & emotional abuse. I know you think "Oh, he wouldn't physically hurt me." but think again. The people you least expect to abuse you can be the ones to change your mind.
Get out while you can, and find someone who treats you like a queen.
DepthofHeart answered Wednesday January 31 2007, 6:15 pm: First of all whether you respect yourdelf or not you don't deserve to be dissrepected by anyone. I think your scared to leave him because you don't know what else or who else is out there. You're probabally afraid that if you leave him things will turn out even worse. It sounds like he's had a serious affect on your self confidence, which is not a good thing. Your boyfriend shouldn't make you feel bad about yourself, even if it is just a phase. If you have gotten to the point were you think he might hurt you physically you honestly need to talk to him or someone else. No matter what you think no one deserves to be scared to be with someone or scared of what would happen if they left them. Things can get better for you or they can get worse; you should really talk to your boyfriend if you havn't already. He might of done so many good things for you or helped you through all the hard times but that doesn't tip the scale. He still has done a lot of horrible things as you said. I hate to say this because he obviously means alot to you despite what he's done, but losing him may be the best thing you can do. No one deserves mental or physical abuse from anybody. You just need to be strong. You never know whats out their until you look. You might feel a sense of loss or regret, but in the end everything will work out, it has to right? No decision is a wrong decision. Every decision still moves you one step forward. I don't know if you believe in fate but if somethings meant to happen it will.
If there is anything else I can help you with don't be afraid to ask.
Itz_your_luckee_day answered Wednesday January 31 2007, 6:01 pm: you're not dumb for not leaving.. i mean its like when a girl gets cheated on.. you really don't want to break up with him but you know you SHOULD. It's not fair, because you didn't do anything wrong (you didn't bring this upon yourself) you're just taking your time and trying to wait it out until his attitude finally goes back to normal. but i'm sorry he really isn't going to change and theres no such thing as good outweighing the bad. its not that hes a bad guy, i think ya'll have just been together too long. this is your chance to leave and find someone else.. someone better, and learn from this, be able to recognize early signs that a guy might end up like this. you're 20 its really your ideal time to go out and date random single guys. you're not always going to have a back up you have to look sometimes and other times you have to take a break and see what comes your way.. you'll be fine if you and your boyfriend break up don't be scared of being alone, thats just a lame excuse you keep scaring yourself with. don't do that to yourself.
chrissabelle37 answered Wednesday January 31 2007, 5:38 pm: Hey. First of all I would like you to know that you DO NOT deserve any of this treatment and you did NOT do it to yourself! Your boyfriend is mentally abusing you when he's angry and you've fallen into his trap. Not your fault at all because you've become dependent on him since he has such a prominent personality and now you're afraid that you won't know what to do when you leave him. You're afraid that you will be lost and hurt and helpless.
This is not healthy because you are a wonderful person and I can tell from what you've described that your family loves you more than anything. No one deserves to be called these names, No one no matter what! Your boyfriend Is mentally abusing you and he probably did it to the girl before you and he'll continue to do it because he's not very nice at all and he needs help. When people get this angry this easily and already mentally abuse people it Can turn physical whether you want to believe it or not. Believe me, eventually if he gets to a real boiling point (not your fault of course :)) he may turn physical and it will be too late because it will be even harder to get out.
Your family loves you so much and they would be so hurt if they knew about this so you have to do this for them. If you're afraid to do it in person I would write him a letter explaining that you really want to explore your life and you need some time to figure things out (or whatever excuse you want). Or when you do it make sure you're surrounded by people so that if he becomes very angry (which is Horrible someone can get this way) you will have back-up. You have to break this off or you will go into a deep depression just because of this man. And don't feel bad about yourself for not breaking it off because guys like these would hook in millions of girls if they could. You're a wonderful person and you know that your life has been to meaningful with so many events (just look back at the pictures) and I Know you don't deserve to be treated this way. I really hope this helped and please feel free to message me if you need more advice! =) [ chrissabelle37's advice column | Ask chrissabelle37 A Question ]
spicedupadvice answered Wednesday January 31 2007, 4:57 pm: first of al i want you to know that this is not your fault! and you can really do nothing to prevent this except leaving this man. i deffinatly think you should leave him or you will have to deal with this untill you relise that you dont need to be treated this way. nobody should ever be. you will not turn into anything b/c of staying with him. but you do need to relise that you could do better then this. you should leave this guy and find a guy that treats you better then this. secondly you have the courage you just have to walk right you to him and say me and you? yea we are threw! and walk away! and your best bet would be to be in a public place just incase he gets violent he wont hit you there. then if he has a key i suggest you change the locks. if he does anything else to bother you tell the cops. i hope this has been helpful to you.
~spice~ [ spicedupadvice's advice column | Ask spicedupadvice A Question ]
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