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After 3 years in a relationship (2 of these living together), my boyfriend and I (we are 21 y.o.) broke up on good terms. I initiated the break up. We had been best friends for over 5 years at the time of break up but we agreed the relationship was not working and we were better off just as friends again. He said he still loved me and that he couldn't live without me in his life. I felt the same and we said we would try our best to maintain a friendship. He had no other good friends and neither did I.
For a couple of months we seemed to remain friends, but he became distant, making excuses not to see me and avoiding my calls, though denying he had found someone else (he is not the type to move on quickly, so I believe this is true). One day he said he was working, so I went to surprise him at work (some 30 minute drive out of town). He wasn't there and when I called him, he said he'd left already, but judging by the time of his txts to me, he must have lied about his whereabouts. I was angry and hurt, and decided to give him some space.
This morning, around 3 weeks after the above, I rang him and got a very cold reception. I couldn't believe this was my former best friend talking. The conversation ended abruptly when he had to go as someone had arrived at his house (an excuse, perhaps).
Here is where I need advice. I can accept losing him as a friend if that's what he wants, but I need closure from our relationship so that I can move on! But how do I get closure from someone who won't talk to me or see me? Is he likely to change his hostility toward me if I give him time?
Any suggestions would be hugely appreciated :)
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Hey. Well it sounds like it's been a rocky relationship which is totally normal, for it happens to everyone who gets too close. This may have happened to you guys no matter how amazing of friends you were. You may have said something to upset him and didn't even realize it as I'm sure he's said some things to upset you. He may be trying to avoid you because of this and so I would try talking to him. Since he won't talk to you, I would go to his house and at least tell him how you feel too so at least you can get some closure. Maybe, he's trying to avoid you because he feels that seperation would be better for your relationship and so he's gonna wait awhile. When he answered the phone coldy this may mean that he really wants you to ask him what's wrong and is hoping you can talk. I really hope this helped and good luck =)!
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He has some reason to be hostile and from my experience from being a guy is that I only turn hostile is when I have a new girlfriend and my ex-girlfrend wants to still talk and then I make excuses that I'm busy or I'm going out..the hostility wont change..I think the best way is just show up at his house surprise...He cant turn you away then and ask him what you need too
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In my experience 'closure' is a fancy way of saying "Hey! You owe me man!"
Sadly dear, he doesn't owe you anything. It would be nice and mature and considerate of him to explain to you his resentment and be honest about his obvious desire to end the friendship, but he doesn't 'owe' you that. That would just make him a better person then he seems to want to be at the moment.
Closure and distance from the relationship isn't going to happen when he explains his twisted thoughts to you. None of his explanations are going to help you, or make you feel better. In fact, they will make probably make you feel angry and even worse then you do now. You will only begin to feel better when you no longer care what his explanations are, so for your own sake dear, stop chasing him!
Send him one more casual message and say you get the feeling he isn't interested in being friends anymore, and although you don't know what is wrong if he ever wants to renew your friendship he is welcome to call you.
Then let it go. He has nothing left to offer you as a friend or as an ex but mental anguish. End this silly game so you can actually get down to the business of moving on.
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I won't try to answer why he is acting this way but can I suggest you write him a letter. Tell him you would like to understand what is happening for him and if you can help in any way. Explain that you would still like to remain his friend if possible, but if not, ask if he would mind meeting up for a 'closure' chat. He may be angry for various reasons and could find it hard to talk to you, if so you may just have to accept that it is all over and try to move on. At least you will have made an effort to understand but that it is now his problem. I hope that all goes well for you and you don't lose his friendship, but if you do, try to learn from the experience. All the best.
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