|
Rate this.
What do you think of this? I had to interview my dad for a 7th grade literacy project. umm do you think its good and what number grade would you give it? THANKS! and sorry its long but like.. its a graded assignment, heh. Also, for the sake of confediality I didnt reveal personal stuff..
[STARTS BELOW THIS]
The world cannot survive without them. Who does one think creates the food, drinks, clothing, and fuels we’ve all grown accustomed to living with? These specially trained workers are called chemical engineers. Chemical engineers find out better ways to extract, purify, package, and preserve the food and drinks that wait for us at our supermarkets. Without doing so, the products may spoil before we ever get a chance to buy them. They can also make new chemicals and materials from simple molecules. In addition to that, they make clothing and fuels. To create fuel, they separate crude oil mined from the ground. However, chemical engineers don’t actually make the clothing. They make the fibers clothing is made of. Some fibers are natural, while others are man made or synthetic. To make a synthetic fiber, a chemical engineer dissolves paper in an acid, depending on the fiber they want to make. The last step is to spin a fiber out of the solution. Chemical engineers are involved in all these activities to keep mankind alive.
Luckily, I managed to get an interview of a gifted chemical engineer by the name of [my dad]. During the course of the interview, I noticed that [my dad] seemed very proud of his job. He was a pleasure to work with, and was quite professional with responding to my elaborate questions. What he shared with me you will find in reading this article. Enjoy.
[my dad] chose his career at the tender age of eighteen, shortly after finishing high school. He only really wanted to be a chemical engineer, allowing him to pursue the career of his dreams without second thoughts. As a child, [my dad] had always been dedicated to his studies. He was born in a very poor family, and as he trudges shoeless through the dusty roads to get to school, all he could wish for was a better life for him and his precious family. This dream kept him determined, and years later his hard work paid off with a scholarship for a university in England. There, he still studied hard, read science, and learned from people who were already chemical engineers. He was successful, and also managed to get a PHD and Masters Degree as well. [my dad] loves his job because he makes things people and he like, and gets paid for it.
Since [my dad] chose his job, he’s earned a living, married [my mom], had a family, and lives well. Two of his three children, [me and my sister], were conceived in London, England. Living in England was tough, [my dad] says. Things were way more expensive there than here in America. Eventually, the [my surname] family happily bid farewell to their previous home in a 1 bed roomed flat, and sang aloha to their bigger, better, current home in [my location]. [my dad’s] paycheck was very important, especially since at the time, his wife’s job wasn’t bringing in all the cash the family needed. Currently, [my dad] is even working on building his own company, and so far everything is running smoothly. [my dad] would recommend being a chemical engineer to all science students, because chemical engineers are useful to practically everyone, unlike some other jobs. Also, they may prefer a challenging career where their skills are really put up to the test.
Overall, we truly have to thank chemical engineers for doing their job. Hopefully, all of them will be as hard-working as [my dad] is. People really don’t want to get sick from digesting spoiled food and drink, or have their cars fail to run from bad petrol. Or have no clothes, from there being no thread to sew them with. When one brings up the topic of careers, usually they’ll automatically think of being a teacher, vet, actress, singer, doctor, janitor, etc. Most people wouldn’t think of being a chemical engineer, or even know what it is. However, we have to realize that there are many jobs out there, and most of them contribute to our lives in a positive way. Being a chemical engineer probably isn’t the funnest thing in the world, but we should be grateful for what these talented people do for us.
[ ]
Want to answer more questions in the Miscellaneous category?
Maybe give some free advice about: Random Weirdos?
I think you are on the right track but the piece is too long. You need a better lead than what you have written and should remove some of your paragraphs such as this one as it is not needed.:
"Luckily, I managed to get an interview of a gifted chemical engineer by the name of [my dad]. During the course of the interview, I noticed that [my dad] seemed very proud of his job. He was a pleasure to work with, and was quite professional with responding to my elaborate questions. What he shared with me you will find in reading this article. Enjoy."
I'm a writer/editor (my day job) so I'll be blunt that this could be an A paper if you go back, take things out and revise it. Right now it's a C because it's cluttered. If you would like I can offer you some editing tips if you send me a message back. Editing and revising it will earn you a higher grade.
The key thing you need to remember is no piece is perfect and to never accept the first thing you write to be the final version as you can always fix it to earn higher grades. Do not make the teacher read longer than they have to.
Short paragrphs, vary the length of sentences and getting straight to the damn point is all you need to do in any essay as well as have topic sentences for each paragraph to introduce what you are talking about next and follow them with that info never straying from it.
]
its good. i like the end. maybe you should try and narrow it down.
CONSIDER IT
♥ Flaggal
]
It'll probably get a C or low B. You try too hard to use fancy vocabulary, it's like you're trying to sound like a news man. Use the most casual tone you can in a report, while still being formal. For example, instead of
Luckily, I managed to get an interview of a gifted chemical engineer by the name of [my dad].
Write:
[your dad's name] agreed to be interviewed for this paper. He is notable for [accomplishments] and works in the field of chemical engineering.
In the first bit, Luckily, gifted, and 'by the name of' are unnecessary. I removed them and tried to convey the same meaning, while stretching it out and simplifying it.
The paragraphs aren't well organized, either, each should be about a specific topic, yours jump around.
Overall, just remove any language you think is "fancy" and reorganize the paragraphs, and you'll get a high B/low A. To be truly interesting, it would need to be rewritten.
]
More Questions: |