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Help with 12 yr old nephew
I'm 26 yr old male and my brother passed away a few years ago, leaving his son who is now 12. I'm am still very close to my nephew. I talk to him on the phone alot, email with him, etc. His mom is a terrible mom, who happens to have 2 other kids from 2 other men and wastes the social security money from my brother on cigarettes, alcohol, and frivilous items. She pays no attention to the boy and he stays with his grandma most nights because she doesnt wake him up in time for him to go go school. I'm afraid my nephew might soon turn to drugs, alcohol, etc. I've also noticed quite a lack of self esteem. I know that he has had 'girlfriends' but have yet to see them or meet them. His friends seem to be good, but I believe Im too old to be able to judge 12-13 year olds. He needs a man in his life and everytime Im in the area he always stays with me (I live 2 hours away). I plan to move back into the area soon and feel that he may want to live with me. Heres the questions:
1. How can I help to make sure he stays on the right path until I get there? I've already had the sex, drinking, pot, and cigarette talks with him.
2. How could I approach to his mother the possibility of him living with me, which I want to happen for his sake.
3. If he were to move in with me, would it be wrong to ask for the social security that HE should be getting for my brother's death so I can start a fund for him for college, car, etc.?
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Okay, well...it is a very good thing that you recognize a difficult situation and want to do something about it. I don't mean to be stereotypical, but most males wouldn't do anything. So, for that, I admire you. Alright, down to the questions. I am not exactly sure how to have him stay on the right path until you get there. One of the things that I am thinking of, is relate to him on his level. For example, if he has a MySpace. Join MySpace and comment him, asking specific questions about his life. That is a way of keeping taps on him without looking like it, do you know what I mean? Just a suggestion, again, I don't know if that is an option. Second question, again tough, but I would look at whatever she is complaining about the most, for example, money problems. If that is an issue, suggest that you could have the nephew move in to relieve some of the stress. You could also go with the approach of a male figure. Showing the nephew your brother through you. You know, taking him to baseball games or something that he would have done with his father. Which, I am sure that you already do. Third question, I don't think that it would be wrong to ask for the Social Security, but she may be unwilling to give it up. Go ahead that open a saving account, or whatever, and ask her if she would be willing to contribute to the account with the social security she receives. That way she knows for certain that the money is going to her son, and for his future. Not saying that you would use it for thing else. I hope that this is helpful, you are in a difficult position. Let me know how things work out.
Jenn
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Well first, I can tell you that whatever you decide to do will more than likely succeed. You have determination and love for the boy. For the first question, there is nothing you can do to completly keep him away from the downfalls of this world. I know that isn't the first thing you wanted to hear, but it needs to be brought to attention. But you can continue to push on him your views on said subjects. You can talk to him, mentor him, and even put him in a plastic bubble, but the greatest way for him to realize it is to set an example. Remember, if he does end up trying any of those things, it's not necessarily your fault, remember that.
On the second question, approaching his mother, you very well might have to be blunt with her. Think about what you are going to say. And think through what actions you are willing to take if she says yes AND if she says no. Are you willing to take legal action? If you feel like he is not going to have a great life there, you have a great chance of gaining custody of him. However, if you are trying to avoid going that far, just be sure you give her many reasons why you should, and why she should let you. (yeah they are different. haha).
Lastly, No I do not feel it would be wrong to ask for the social security. In fact, I would suggest it. It is rightly his.
I really hope I helped
Christina
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to answer your first question, talk to him about it. tell him that you want him to be able to tell you the truth about what hes doing. talk to him over and over about the things you stated above. drill them into his head. to answer the second question, sit her down and tell her that you know she has a lot to deal with now and that you are willing to take him into your home and that it would be best for him. make sure you have everything planned out first. every detail from where he would sleep to the school system even to how you would help him. to answer your third question, i think that after you get his mother to agree to let him live with you, maybe a month or so later bring the idea up to her but dont push it because she might take him back because she will think that the only reason you took him was for the money. i hope i helped -helen
p.s. i think that this is a great thing you are trying to do for him!!
(im glad that i could help =])
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1) Keep in contact with him. Should you want to get custody at some point the more contact you have had, the better it will look in court. Not to mention it is good for him to know he has someone who cares. Be sure you let him know you are always there should he need to talk, and let him know how much you care about him.
2) Wait to talk to his mom until you move to the area. She may not agree to let him live with you, and you don't really want to give her time to think about it. If she is really a bad mother, you may want to sue her for custody. Wait until you can observe her behavior with your own eyes. Some young teens exaggerate how bad they have it at home...which is normal teen behavior.
3)If he does move in with you then you should receive the SSI check for him. She probably won't give it up voluntarily though. You will probably have to go through court and become his legal guardian to get it. That's not a bad idea anyway
since you will want to be able to give consent for medical treatment etc. should anything like that come up. So make it all legal to protect the both of you. You don't want her changing her mind and taking him back, which could happen.
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well i think as long as you are talking to him and being there to help him along, that is all you can do. you aren't to old to judge a 12-13 year old because you have been one. however these are different times.you should tell her that if she really wanted her son to grow up a good man he needs a good role model. i have strong feeling she won't listen,so if you need to go to court and he seems worth it you should. but as long as your motives are in tact, you should get the ayment for his father's funeral.but good luck adn i think you are great for doing this.
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I understand ur case...from the other side around (from ur nephew's side).
1. You should get a person in his neighbour hood to keep an eye on him. Not spy...just keep an eye and you can call that person once a week to check up on him.
2. Since you say she's a horrid mother (like mine) you can file for custody of the child. That way you can get the social security for him.
...If not custody you can always get the mom to sign temporary custody for you to get him..so she'll still be his mom but you'll be the care giver!
HOPE I HELPED!`
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