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Employee Wife Problems
My wife and I own a business where travel is necessary. I have a valued employee that would be very difficult to replace - and he is a close friend, and I do not want to replace him - even if keeping him would pose difficulties.
My wife is involved in our travels, as is our employee. Since we are sometimes away on business for as much as 2 weeks or more at a time, we have structured our travel so that his wife can accompany him. We have given her some light duties and some limited employment, and we pay both her travel expenses, as well as his, including meals and lodging. This is an accomodation for him, and for their well-being.
However, she takes advantage of us at every opportunity. We enter a restaurant, suggesting a price range for the meal we are willing to obtain, and she often exceeds this amount by almost double. When trying to deal with it, our employee lets us know that he wants her left alone by us - but he does not correct her. He appears to be afraid of her.
She refuses to be accountable to us or to him - and has caused several problems on our last trip. She insinuated herself and her agenda into a meeting that she was in attendeance at, though she had no business doing so.
At a restaurant with people with whom we had just done business (and where they picked up the tab), I was horrified to see her take a handful of butter in her hand (and palm) and then butter corn on the cob by rubbing it with her butter drenched hand. It was disgusting, and I had to leave the table for a bit.
When trying to correct the situations, both she and her hiusband say that I am treating them like children, and he will not allow me to correct the situation - nor will he.
An association we all belong to has had some complaints brought against her for her prima-donna actions - and they are being dealt with separately by that organization for her attitude and actions.
Our business is in the area of fine arts, and he is very gifted in this area - and very hard to replace. Replacing him would, in all likelihood, cause us to have to cease operations in our business for 3 to 6 months - and would hinder our business for up to a year. He knows this and, he seems to be aware that they have us over a barrel.
He has been a good friend and is highly valued by us. Letting him go would cripple us, and we have contemplated actually closing our business rather than allowing this to continue as is - or to operate in a crippled manner with his departure. The problem is her - not him - but he refuses to travel unless she accompanies us.
Perhaps the weight of comments from those on this site as to the outrageousness and unreasonableness of her behaviour will convince them that they need to change.
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Unfortunately, it is your business - and unless you want to allow them to drive it into the ground, its your way or the highway. Of course I'm not advocating heavy-handedness here, in fact I would advise against it (and I suspect from what you have written, that you know this as well).
I myself would simply tell him that she is causing an unacceptable level of stress and that if he does nothing to reel her in, that your hand will be forced. Indeed, if this continues and gets worse, it may be. You seem to be going out of your way to be fair to them, I would suggest reminding him of this and telling him that you are fast approaching the point where you will have to put your foot down.
I wouldn't draw the line at her coming along on the trips - I would forbid her from being there for business activities however. I would suggest telling this man that since she has caused such negative feedback, that you feel that it would be best if she were simply 'along for the ride' and not there for "light duties and limited employment". As far as I would be concerned, I (being far less attached to them than you are obviously) would drop a hint that if she cannot control herself or let others rein her in, then she would be welcome to stay in the hotel room for the duration of the business activities.
If it seems that he still won't budge, I'd actively start looking for a replacement (even if that means looking for someone with little/no experience and grooming them). It's up to you whether or not to tell him this, you could simply tell him that you'd love to keep him, but that you can no longer put up with the drama and you are out of options. I'd also consider mentioning to him that this has gone so far as to prompt you to consider closing your business, as a measure of how far it has gone. Hopefully he will see the writing on the wall and grudgingly try to do something with his wife.
Though I myself am somewhat educated, I come from a rural background - and I have NEVER seen or heard that method of buttering corn. Even when in the Army, where etiquette was somewhere between "wipe the mud off, its ok" and "you have 60 seconds to eat what is on your plate", people would have raised an eyebrow. My gut instinct is that she is well aware that you (and her beau) are reluctant to say anything, and is deriving no small amount of pleasure in making you squirm. In essence, it is like some sort of a power-trip she is on, and she is daring you (and/or her husband) to stand up to her, where she will probably fight back when confronted. But I dont think letting it go and avoiding conflict will help in the long run, I would imagine she would become more and more uncontrollable.
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Oh my goodness!
I agree with younggrandma completely. Being so close, both personally and professionally with your employee has made you all a bit confused about the boundaries of this relationship. From a personal standpoint you have tried to deal with this nicely and gently, from a professional point of view, this woman needs a pink slip.
Stop backing down. Your employee may genuinely not be aware of how serious a situation this is if, despite your conversations, you continue to allow her to accompany him and tossing a bit of work her way.
Talk to him again (he is your primary employee, in my opinion you owe her no explanations) and inform him, not discuss, not suggest, not request, INFORM him that his wife will no longer be supported finically on business trips. You have already told him her behavior is not acceptable to you, so you do not need to rehash all those incidences, just state very plainly that this arrangement is not working out for the company.
I can see why, as a friend he might feel you are treating them like children, so treat him very formally like an adult employee.
Unless you are willing to just shut up and put up with this woman, you are going to have to take a bit of risk and put your foot firmly down.
He might quit, and that is something you need to be prepared for, either by shopping around for other talent or by looking into closing the company, but better he quit and the company die then you be a slave to this women. He might also throw a bit of a fit but decide to stay on; quitting wouldn’t be a picnic for him either. I agree with younggrandma particularly on that point: If there is already an issue with his wife being taken up formally by your professional association, you can bet other employers are going to know there is an issue. It is still a bit of a gamble, but unless you take it nothing will ever get any better.
My dad’s job allowed him to take my mother with him on trips over 12 days and they will pay accommodations, but meals and everything else were up to them with the help of a his per diem. This was written into his contract and if your employee sticks around (which I’d be willing to bet he will, at least for a bit) you might want to work such an arrangement into his contract as well. Banishing his wife is not the goal here (although it might be nice) I think all ready need to do is redraw the lines between professional and personal life. Not a bad idea to clarify that for all your employees who are required to travel.
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Ok, i think you should just tell her that she can't go on any more trip with you and whoever else if she keeps running the bill up. Talk to your friend in private and tell him that this is serious. If you keep letting this happen, then the same thing will keep going on.
I hope this helps.
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Sad fact is she is hurting your business. It is very sad that your employee cannot see it himself.
You find her behavior disrespectful, and she is really being disrespectful of her husband as well. She has some nerve destroying his job with her actions. She is being complained about by an association you belong to...she should be gone.
There really are more talented people out there. Check monster.com or someplace if you can't find someone in your area to replace the employee who refuses to see his wife's behavior is unacceptable.
He would probably be stupid to actually quit, I'm sure word has gotten around about the tag along and he will probably have problems finding a similar job.
When it comes right down to it, if the plug has to be pulled on your business, do it yourself. Don't let an employee...even a talented one, do it for you. Your reputation will look a lot better if you just get rid of the problem.
So, I vote you fire the employees wife. No more trips, meals, perks paid for by the company. No more involvement with your clients in any way. He wants to take her and pay her way, great. But no involvement with clients.
If he decides to quit because you will no longer tolerate his wife, so be it. Life goes on. :)
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Yeah, you have to get rid of her. Tell the valued employee that either he gets her under control or you will fire him, explaining that the damage done by his wife outweighs the damage done if he is gone(whether true or not). I think the fear of not having a job will get him to stop his wife from doing that.
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