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sex or love?
I am a female and have been with my boyfriend/fiancee' for about 2 years. I recently moved away to college and had to leave him behind because I have to live in a dorm my first year. I visit home all the time and spend most of my time with him and not my family. I love him, and he loves me, I know this I really do, but lately all he has been talking with me about is that he wants to have sex with other people, that love and sex are not connected in his mind and that he is sexually attracted to another person, but not in love with them. This makes sense, and I understand him, but I told him that if he wants to have sex with another person, we are not together because I am not going to be waiting at home while he has sex with another. He doesn't understand that it's cheating on a person when you sleep with another while dating. He doesn't think that he should choose one or the other, he wants both. He thinks that I don't love him and that I don't understand him/ want him the way he is. The thing is I don't want him to resent me if he decides that he wants to stay with me and not have sex with other people and that I want him to see my point of view on this. I want him to understand me because he doesn't get what it would be like, he keeps telling me that I could have sex with other people as long as I didn't get attached to them, which he says I would do. I keep telling him that I don't want anyone else, but he doesn't think that he would get hurt because of it, if I did in fact sleep with another person.
I really have no idea what to do. I want him to be happy, which would mean giving him up, but I want to be happy myself, which would mean we would stay together and he would "forget" that side of him. Any advice on this, any thoughts that you have would be nice. I really appreciate you all taking time to read and answer this. Thank you.
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i honestly dont think a realtionship should be the way he is putting it.when he says he is attracted to someone in a sexual way that is kinda messed up. he should only be attracted to you sexually,mentaly, and physically. nobody else. when your attracted to someone there is something about that person that you most like. he should ahve to choice. he cant have his way.. if you think detailed about this other person might have aids, might get pregnant, and you dont know what or who she has eben having sex with. then he would come back to you and might try having sex with you. i dont think so. if you love soemthign le it go if he loves you back he will come back to you adn he WONT do somethign like that. otherwise it is time to move on. ( i am sorry)
♥ Steph
p.s.
i hope this helps.
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i hate to jump on the bandwagon here, and answer with the same thing everyone else has said, but it's true.
if you are in college, you should be in your 20's maybe younger? which would make him the same age, right? or around the same age. anyways, any 18-20some year old man, should know the difference between a sexual relationship & love. he should know that they are related & it is cheating, when you are in love with one person & yet sleep around with others.
what he is putting you through is wrong, and if he doesn't want to accept your opinions, then your best bet is to break up with him & let him hurt someone else, not you.
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I would dump him. Why would you want to have sex with the man you love, when only God knows how many other women he's been sleeping around with? The chances of him getting an STD/STI are extremely high too. I think he's just trying to have an excuse to have sex with other people, but not loosing you. You have to explain to him that sex is supposed to be between two people that love eachother, its a way to emotionally and physically connect, and if he isnt mature enough to keep it in his pants then he isnt worthy of you. I agree with the first person, that you need to tell him he can either stay & sleep with only you, or break up so he can his freedom. If he does stay however, I would keep an eye out because he sounds like he's a little too curious about other women. Good luck.
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dump him. imagine, he is your fiance' and he is asking you if he can sleep around? i bet you he already has. what if he picked up an STD? you never know. you better be safe girl. what if you marrY the guy? he will always be cheating on you. guys like him never change.
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Talk about a lot of red flags.
If I was in love with a woman, I would be fine with the relationship and I surely wouldn't be talking with you about having sex with other women. To me it sounds as if he is trying to justify sleeping around with other women while being BF/GF with you.
If you are unhappy with this development (as it sounds like you are) it might be best to hit him with an ultimatum. Either be with you and sleep with you alone, or the two of you need to break up so he can be free to sow his oats, which is what it sounds like he is wanting to me.
It kind of makes me queasy that he has the gall to say to you that you dont love him (but he does somehow, nm his wanting to sleep around on you), that he is putting you on the spot as the one that doesnt understand the other as though his request isn't outrageous (why cant you accept my wanting to have sex with other women while I am in love you?), and he even goes so far as to tell you that you can sleep around on him thereby making his want of sleeping around not all that bad.
I'd start looking for someone else. Its likely that he will sleep around on you with or without you knowledge at some point if he really thinks like this, and irregardless of his thinking that love and lust are not connected - he will eventually sleep with someone else and become emotionally involved. I'd start looking for someone who has the same mindset as you have.
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From what you've said, it seems obvious that the two of you will not last in the long run. If he thinks that sex is separate from love, and he is able to have sex with anyone that he feels like having sex with, and you don't feel that way, then that's a pretty big problem.
With what you've said from how he is acting and what he is saying about the situation, it seems like he's going to do it eventually, with or without your permission. That is, if he hasn't already done it. He might keep his penis to himself for a while, but he will keep putting it into his mind that it's not a bad thing for him to cheat on you as long as he doesn't get emotionally involved. If he tells himself that he isn't doing anything wrong, then he'll be able to cheat on you while keeping his conscience clear.
If he's going to hold it against you for the rest of your life that he couldn't cheat, are you really going to be happy with him? If he's going to cheat, are you really going to be happy with him?
I think you guys should break up. At least for a while until your boyfriend/fiancee finds out what he really wants. Does he want to have sex with whoever he feels like, or does he want to have a loving relationship with one person. If that never happens, then it wasn't meant to work out between you two, if it does, and you haven't already found someone who will respect your wished and wants what you want in life, then maybe you two should be together. But definitely not for now.
Ask yourself what you would tell your best friend if she told you that her boyfriend wants to sleep with other people, and it's not considered cheating. Would you think that your friend's boyfriend loved her, even though he wants to sleep with others? It might be easier if you forget about the past, and how happy you were with each other, and just look at this situation, and if it continues, then ask yourself if you'll be happy in another few years.
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