My boyfriend and I have been together for 14 months, friends for 4 years, and I recently tried to end the relationship. I don't see our futures working together, he has no personal ambition, and numerous other things. I thought the break up was going relatively well considering the circumstances, but then he lost it and started crying. That was the last thing I expected as he is NOT the kind of person to EVER cry. I felt so terrible for inflicting this kind of grief on someone I care so much about that I agreed to stay in the relationship. (He isn't/wasn't trying to cry in orderfor me to stay)
Now I don't know what to do but I need to get out of this. He's gone back to his normal self and has seemingly forgotten about our whole deliemma. He wont acknowledge my unhappiness and instead chooses to credit my cheerlessness to any other problem.
Please don't respond with "Just leave him" or other short answers with no reason.
[ Answer this question ] Want to answer more questions in the Relationships category? Maybe give some free advice about: Love Life? loves2shop86 answered Sunday April 23 2006, 3:08 pm: hey! well i went through this exact same thing when i tried to leave my boyfriend of 2 years. it was one of the hardest things i had to do, because when i would see him so upset, i would feel bad and end up back with him. this is actually a really bad thing to do, because let's face it... if you don't want to be with him, sooner or later you will leave him! and the longer you are with him, the harder it will get for him to get over you. so if you really care about him and want the best for him, you should break up with him as soon as you can.
sit down with him and explain everything to him. he might start crying or get really upset, but just keep talking. tell him he needs to be strong and that everything will be ok, and he will get over it soon. tell him it's hard for you too, but you aren't giving the relationship all you have because the feelings just aren't there anymore. basically explain to him that you care about him and want what's best for him, and you know you are not giving him your best anymore.
once that's over, cut him out of your life completely!! no talking on the phone, no seeing him... NOTHING!! it takes about 2 months of not seeing/talking to someone to get completely over them. if you keep seeing him after the breakup, it will take him a long long time to get over you, and you will have to deal with seeing him in pain. the first couple of times i broke up with my ex, we decided to keep talking... and he never got over me and we kept getting back together! it was a terrible cycle, but the last time we broke up, we completely stopped talking and soon he got over it. we now talk and have a good friendship, but that would not have been possible if we didn't take a break for a couple of months after our break up.
lastly, i want you to know that even though you are the one who wants the break up, there will be times you will wake up and question what you did. you will want to call him and get back together with him, because you will miss him. but try and forget those thoughts... because if your feelings are gone, they will not come back. so if a couple of weeks after the break up you decide you want him back, he will take you back, and then in a few short weeks you will want to break up again! you will be back where you started. so go with the gut feeling you have now and stick with it! hope this all helps!! :) good luck [ loves2shop86's advice column | Ask loves2shop86 A Question ]
sizzlinmandolin answered Sunday April 23 2006, 2:44 pm: Right now, you're feeling pain in order to keep him from not. That is a big mistake. You need to put what you want and need first. Never put yourself in pain.
No matter what you do he's going to cry. He's going to be sad. You're a great person and I'm sure that anyone would cry over losing you. The thing is, you're going to break up eventually. If you stall it, it's just going to get harder and harder. Every day that you spend with him will make him cry that much more when you do break up. At this rate, you're going to end up marrying the poor guy. Imagine how hard it was to break up with him once he started to cry. Now think about how hard it's going to be to refuse when he proposes to you unexpectedly. Imagine how much harder it is going to be do get a divorce from him. Stalling breaking up with him causes more and more heartache for him AND for you. You're going to have to deal with some heartache, just don't make yourself deal with more than you have to.
He will get over it. After he does, you two can probably be friends. There's going to be some time in between relationship and friendship where you need to AVOID HIM COMPLETELY, but this is something you have to do. Break up with him and do not take no for an answer. Good luck. [ sizzlinmandolin's advice column | Ask sizzlinmandolin A Question ]
DefinedEyes answered Sunday April 23 2006, 2:16 pm: Aw, well, he may have been hurt at the moment you wanted to break up with him. But now that you are back together he's supposedly 'over it' as guys are. But if you really want out, you have to deal with hurting his feelings, and remember that eventually he will get over it. Seeing as he did so quickly when you said you'd stay with him. It just might take him a little longer to get over you once you guys actually do break up. & if he doesnt care that you are unhappy, than he definitly isnt the guy for you. Try writing down why your not happy, and tell him, and then explain why you guys have to break up, and that it is for the best, because you dont see anything in the future.
hope things go well.
<3 [ DefinedEyes's advice column | Ask DefinedEyes A Question ]
HectorJr answered Sunday April 23 2006, 10:36 am: Well you need to talk to him first. Tell him what? Exactly how you felt before you broke up, and right now. If you want him to take your feelings into consideration, you have to tell him that too.
Make it clear to him what it is you want from this relationship - to get out. Do you want to keep the friendship without the relationship? Let him know that. Find out why it is he felt upset or does or anything. For this to work you both need to communicate.
If you are going to stay in the relationship, it should be because you seriously care for him, and not because you felt bad about something you did to him. I know, it sounds a bit harsh, but if you stay with him or he stays with you just because either of you felt hurt, guilty, or upset, then the relationship won't last long because those feelings are temporary.
So talk to him, let him know how you feel, find out how he feels, and make things clear between the two of you. If you still choose to break up the relationship, then make it clear to him also. Don't let guilt be the deciding factor on whether or not the relationship breaks or not. Hope that helped and good luck. [ HectorJr's advice column | Ask HectorJr A Question ]
CavieOwnsU2 answered Sunday April 23 2006, 10:12 am: Look, you are obviously not happy in this situation, and your happiness or at least comfortableness comes before anythign else in your mind. At least, it should. It is hard to break up with somebody and to be broken up with, but for like 99% of your relationships in life you are going to have to do one of the two. I've seen a person not break up with her boyfriend in a situation alot similiar to yours. Then when she finally did he was so attached to her that it was worse then it would have been if she had gotten out in the first place. He became really depressed and didn't smile (hardly even talked) for like 3 months. If you keep yourself in this relationship, you won't be happy and he will be even more unhappy when you break up with him later. Hope I helped! [ CavieOwnsU2's advice column | Ask CavieOwnsU2 A Question ]
PunkieFreak4690 answered Sunday April 23 2006, 10:11 am: I've been through this kind of situation before. Have you ever asked him about what he would like to do with his life? Or if he has, ever encouraged him to what he likes to do in the future? Try talking to him if you haven't; tell him how he needs ambition and to become successful in life. Try negotiating on what you both want to do for the rest of your life. Like maybe one day he wants to become a Doctor; encourage him to do it. But if he does not agree to do something with his life, then it's not worth being with him. You probably want someone to become successful, so if he refuses to become successful in life, then your relationsip is not going to work out. But like I said, just try talking to him some more, encourage him to become successful. Tell him he needs ambition in life if he wants to go anywhere. So don't give up just yet - he may just need a little persuasion and encouragement. [ PunkieFreak4690's advice column | Ask PunkieFreak4690 A Question ]
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