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Intimacy after having a baby
Hi, my name is Vanessa. I am 26 years old. My husband and I met in May 2003. only 4 months after having met, I fell pregnant with my little boy. In the early stages of pregnancy, I bled everytime after sex. This put me off sex for the rest of my pregnancy and my partner Jason had to either satisfy himeself or I would have to do an 'obligatory' act to satisfy him. I had absolutley no sexual drive whilst I was pregnant and everytime my partner tried, I rejected him or satisfied him begrudingly. I convinced myself that it was the pregnancy and theat after the birth of the baby, everything would go back to normal.
After my son was born in June 2005, it went from bad to worse. The first time we had sex was on our wedding night 7 months after the birth of our son. Since then (January 06) I have found excuses and ways of avoiding sex. Everytime I do have sex I find myself crying and wishing that it would be over. My husband (like many men I would suppose) is very sexual and now sits up late looking at pornography on the internet.
I feel as though I can not please him and I really don't want to. My son is now 9 months old and the idea of sex still makes me feel a little sick. I have never really been a very sexual person but I used to enjoy it a little bit. Now everytime I cry, feel uncomfortable and wish it were over!!
Is this normal??? Can I get any help?? Is it sex or my husband that I do not want?? Should I suggest my husband get sexual gratification from other woman. I would do anything to take the pressure off of me!
The scary thing is... I really want another baby!!!
Sorry if this is a bit long :) Can you offer any advice?
Thanks so much for your time. Any suggestions would be greatly appreciated!
Best wishes
Vanessa :)
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i would say it sounds normal.. although i have no expirience i think rushing into having a baby just made your mind think of it as a bad expirience maybe. maybe you can seek some sort of sexual counseling because im sure its not him but he needs to know how you feel and then i would go from there
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It seems like the other comments covered this pretty well. Having such a great aversion to sex is not healthy. There is either something not right with you physically or mentally. It sounds like it's mostly the latter, but you should definitely visit a gynecologist to make sure everything is all right down there. I really suggest that you and your husband try to see a sex therapist. I'm sure your doctor or gynecologist could refer you to one that is within in your price range. They are professionals and can probably help you a little more thoroughly than we can. It makes me really sad to know that people have this problem, so I wish the best of luck to you and hope that everything works out!
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Hello,
One comment that I especially noticed:
I convinced myself that it was the pregnancy and theat after the birth of the baby, everything would go back to normal.
Here's my thoughts:
Your pregnancy was at risk when you had sex, and that was a very frightening thing. (I know it happened to me too). In turn the protective instincts kicked in, I call it the "Momma Bear Syndrome" You associated sex with risk to your infant, and subconsciously you may still be doing that. In addition some Moms become so focused on their baby that everything revolves around Motherhood. It's a mental association and Mommy doesn't equal sex partner. Nothing is ever the same after the birth of a baby, our bodies and minds change. So therefore you can't go back to the way things were before--because they will never be the same. However, the good news is you can lead a healthy sex life and still be a wonderful Mom. The first thing to do..and I know how hard it is, but it must be done. Is focus on yourself. Buy yourself something that is out of the mommy criteria. Have your hair and nails done. Go out with friends...basically anything that you liked to do before Motherhood, and before you were married. Then the next step is to arrange for an overnight sitter, and take your husband away for a night. Go on a date..don't call to check on the baby, release your anxiety about leaving your baby behind. So initally focus on you..then shift your focus to your husband. The best gift to your child is to strengthen the relationship with your husband. It's not selfish at all, and don't feel any guilt.
As far as your husband looking at porn, at this time in his life it is an outlet for his frustration. Men are stimulated sexually by visual material..women are typically more arroused by the emotional aspect. So if you can get the emotional aspect together, the rest will fall into place.
I wouldn't advise giving him permission to have sex with another woman, this will further cause emotional distress for you and is likely to harm the relationship to a degree that is beyond repair.
You may wish to see your Dr to be sure their are not any physical reasons for your lack of sex drive (such as a hormonal imbalance) etc.
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From what you've described post-partum depression is possible, but only that - just *possible*, not certain.
I'm not a doctor, but my wife did have severe post-partum depression. So I've studied the condition pretty extensively.
The loss of your sex drive is definitely something to talk to your doctor about. One way or another, it can be treated; you don't have to live your life without enjoying sex. Please call your doctor as soon as possible. There's a good chance that she or he will refer you to a sex therapist who can help you.
As for your husband, I have to tell you that giving him permission to have sex with other women will probably result in divorce for you sooner or later (probably sooner). Sex without emotional attachment is difficult for anyone to achieve. Women tend to become attached more quickly and deeply than men, but it happens to men too. Unless he restricts himself to prostitutes (which is a terrible idea for many reasons, not the least of which is disease), each woman he sleeps with will offer a new threat to your marriage.
Some people have open relationships, of course, but these rarely work out well. It's not worth the risk, particularly when your doctor should be able to help you to enjoy sex again. Or even more than before, since it sounds as if it wasn't all that thrilling for you even before the birth.
Marriage counseling may also be helpful, if you're not sure if you desire your husband any more.
As for internet porn...I'm not against the idea of pornography, but in my opinion there are some distinct dangers associated with heavy use of porn - particularly late at night - for anyone in a committed relationship. The problem is that it's all to easy to step over the line, and get into "hot chats", webcam stuff, and from there into outright adultery. The web is a hothouse for emotional attachment and quick sexual gratification, and that's potentially deadly for a marriage.
I'm not telling you to make him stop; that would be a bad idea, particularly since you're not able to gratify your husband sexually right now. But I AM telling you that it's a warning sign, and that you really shouldn't delay. Call your doctor, and consider calling a marriage counselor.
It will be the first step towards a happier life for all three of you. Good luck!
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Well hun, you most likely are having postpartum depression and it is effecting your love life dramatically. What I suggest you do is go to a gynocologist and have them make sure everything is alright with you. Next step would be to go to a doctor and ask them if there is any possible ways to help control and stop this depression. Most likely they will suggest you go to a counselor that specializes in this. I think a sex therapist would be smart. You may be lacking libido, the hormone women secrete when they are sexually active. Just talk to your doctor. Things will get better in time. Best of luck.
~Sherah
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It sounds as if you are suffering from some sort of postpartum depression.
There is hope for you! Go to your Doctor and speak frankly with him or her about your problem.
A new baby in the house comes with its own set of problems. It can wear you out!
You will have to learn to make time for you and your husband where ever you can find it. You can fall out of the habit very easily. To some extent it is a normal reaction to what you have been through.
So call your doctor and set up an appointment. I know some people are still hesitant to discuss such things with their doctors. Don't be. They hear it all the time and it isn't anything new to them. They have the info you need so take advantage of it!
You might want to write down any questions you have before you go to your doctor. This is great if you get nervous or embarrassed. If you have to just hand them the list of questions! :)
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