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Long Question, angry, sad, and confused about brother
Warning ahead of time, this will be long.
I am 22 years old. My brother is 21. He still lives at home with our mother and I am out on my own in another city and going to college. Things were o.k. between us (somewhat fizzling but still ok) until I moved out, which was this past October. My friend is also his friend and he told her that he thinks I should not be allowed back at the house ever again. Every time I have visited, he locks himself in his room and turns off the light and will not come out to eat or use the bathroom or anything because I am there. My mom and I were having a good time once when I was visiting and when I left he put her through a guilt trip saying how could she just ignore him and have such a good time with me when he was literally sick because I was there, but he wont even answer his door because I am there for anyone.
I am beating myself up trying to figure this out but here is what I know. First of all, I have always been good to my brother and treated him well. I am actually the reason he is friends with my friend. My dad, on the other hand, has sort of ignored him through his childhood, although my mom and dad divorced when he was 10. My dad has payed some of my bills to help me get through school. While he was paying them, my brother asked him for money a couple of times and was turned down because "he didnt have enough". But he has given him money as well. My brother said to me "I think sometimes he cant give me money because he is helping u." I feel especially guilty about this now but I would have to quit school in order to live! I would have to give up my dreams. I think that dad owes it to us both to give us both money but that is a different story. And I told mom to tell him (he wont talk to me) that I would end my relationship with dad for him and he said "what does that have to do with anything?" But then he said it is because of dad in a way. But he also says the whole family abuses him, which is absolutely not true. He says he would be happy to leave and not know any one of us ever again, including mom, who has been nothing but good to him his whole life, who has tried to make things fair for him, who has worried every day for him.
He left with his friend on thanksgiving and didnt spend it with us. He locked himself in his room on Christmas and didnt open his presents for days.
I wrote him a letter trying to reconcile (though I dont know what happened between us). To summarize, I told him how much I cared and worried about him and he could write back saying anything he wanted and I promised not to get mad. I just wanted to know why he hates me. Well, I didnt have his email address so the friend who is both mine and his friend sent it to him, and here was his response:
Okay, you know what? I'm really quite upset at the moment. You have absolutely no business trying to play mediator between Amber and I, regardless of whatever relationship you have with either of us. You know quite well that I want to put all of this behind me, and how much pain I've dealt with in-between. You know how hard I've searched for the motivation to fight my adversity long enough to get the hell out of this miserable hell-hole. However, suddenly trying to bring her back into the picture certainly won't help, and you had no business trying to involve yourself. I don't care what you say about it, either -- you were involving yourself the moment you agreed to send that message, which I won't bother to read. The mere notion that you feel I owe it to Amber to read that message makes your position in all of this quite clear. Don't pretend to be neutral about it -- that won't absolve you of your involvement in this. Not in my eyes...
Moreover, she has no business trying to contact me. She and I have no relationship and, for that matter, anything which could be reconciled. That should have been apparent enough. Regardless of sharing the same blood, it does not matter; I would readily put my entire family out of my life, rather than be forced into suffering by their ongoing nonsense. I don't care what anybody says -- there is no excuse for what I deal with. My family is far, FAR lost to me, and I have no hope of ever reaching out to them. I want to move on, and be done with this for good.
Lastly, I expect you to turn right around and judge me for being such a thoughtless bastard, as you can't stand the thought of me turning my back on my own family. Well, I don't owe any of them shit. Quite frankly, you don't know what goes on in my life, and the years of abuse which I've had to endure from practically everybody. I suggest that you stay far away from this issue, and let me get on with my life in peace. Don't try to convince yourself that this is something which it is not, either. I'm telling you here and now what it is -- abuse. There is no other name for it. I have taken my stand against it, and if Amber can't accept to acknowledge the truth, then she would be better off covering her ears and eyes and living in delusional sollitude.
Let me make something clear: It's over with. Please, leave it alone and do not involve yourself any further. I would prefer never to revisit any of this again.
That was his response to her, not me. He would not even read what I said.
I know I havent been a perfect sister, but he hasnt been a perfect brother either, and I would never expect that of him. I have never, never abused him or his emotions in any way. I have always cared about him very much, and I have always wanted what is best for him. I still do, but part of me is so angry that he couldnt care the same way back. If you need me to tell u anything else, just ask. I am trying to make this short as possible for your sake. I desperately need advice. He wont talk to me and wont read my letters. I dont know what to do. Im afraid the longer this goes on, the worse things will be.
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well, from what you've told me, he seems to have some sort of dillusion. He seems to be suffering from some angst, and sees himself as being picked on by everyone. I'm unsure what the actual reaction would be, but I would probably just do what he wants and leave him alone. If he no longer has you to blame any of his problems on, I figure that his malice will eventually settle and dissipate. I figure that trying to get back into his life will actually aggravate him more and push him further away. He seems to have resentment for the whole family and would probably do well to move out and find his own place, but I don't think that you should suggest it, it can easily be taken as unsolicited judgement on his character.
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I have to agree with storageanddisposal, I doubt anyone here is going to be able to help you very much.
Your brother has some sort of mental issues that need treated by a professional. I really doubt there is anything you, your mom or friend can do anything about on your own.
You do need to be told that none of this is your fault. Your dad paying for college really is not the issue I don't think.
Does he go to school? Have a job? Does he leave the house at all? Could he be into taking some sort of drugs? So many questions unanswered to be of a lot of help.
I encourage you to have your mom try and get him some sort of help. If nothing else a regular old family doctor can refer him to someplace that would help.
She may (due to his being 21), have to resort to telling him get help or get out. There does come a point when he will have to help himself or find his own way in this world. His actions are already having a negative affect on you and probably even more so, your mom.
So, all you can do at this point is encourage him to get help. Use whatever means you can...including dad. If he refuses then you really can't help him.
Good luck. :)
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Well my dad is difficult to explain. And I sometimes just want to hate him because of the resentment my brother has built for him and then aimed at me. Its not just the money, it goes back to when we were very young, and he would get punished for things I did, because I blamed it on him. I know that is not my fault, because I was too young to know better. My mom would punish me if he got punished soon after this, to make things fair, so that didnt last too long. My dad was an alcoholic too. And I know my brother didnt have the best childhood, but you get past that. There is nothing traumatizing that I know has happened to him (except for being bullied at school, again, having nothing to do with me), unless he wont tell anyone. Anyway I dont know. He has been to a counselor much of his life. He is not seeing one now. He asked to see one again and then said he doesnt want to because he doesnt want it on his record. Honestly, I dont think a counselor can help him. If they could, you would think it would have some affect by now.
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This is an unusual problem. It seems to me that your brother clearly has behavior issues. To me, he seems to be overreacting out of jealousy towards you. He wants to get out of the house, but currently can't bring himself to do it or can't find a way to do it.
The money issue
You most certainly not feel guilty about taking money from your father while he can't do the same for your brother. This is all out of necessity! You need this money, so naturally your father wants to help. You're brother doesn't, he still lives under your mother's roof. Had the money issue with your brother been an emergency that might be understandable, but it's not coming off this way. Correct me if I'm wrong. And why would you end your relationship with your father because of this? Just curious, it seems there's more to that than you're mentioning.
His reaction to the letter is an overreaction, obviously. Coming from a slightly abusive background and being fully aware of close friends who have seen worse, I can see that even if he had it as bad as he claims, this would still have been an overreaction. He's not being logical.
You're right. The longer this goes on, the worse he may become, though I'm not sure how it could be much worse. Since there's no explanation for his behavior or accusations of abuse, I'll assume this is all in his head. Somehow his perspective became clearly contorted and he seems to be trying to find pity from somewhere. The only thing I can think of is to talk to this mutual friend and your mother about different ways to get him to find psychological help. Maybe you can talk to an actual psychologist about the best way to approach this instead of this site. I'm not sure how helpful anyone's suggestions can be coming from here, and it's clear the wrong suggestion could make matters worse for your brother.
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