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scared to lose my Boyfriend
Dear Ruth,
Hi I got a problem and I was wondering if you could give me some advice.
I'm in a relationship for 2 years now with a married guy. I never asked him to do anything and to be honest I always had the hope that he will leave his wife one day. Well 6 weeks ago the army send him back to the states. Suddenly 2 weeks before he left he told his wife all about me and that he don’t want to be with her no more. So he ended up to go to Colorado to his next duty station by him self.
Well after he got the states we talked on the phone and talked every day on the Computer. He was different he rubbed old stuff in my face like 6 month ago I talked to people on the internet. The reason I did that was cause I really needed the attention what he couldn’t gave me because he still was living with his family in the same house and also made me believe for a while that he will never leave her. So I thought the only way to get over it is to keep my self busy or find someone who helps me get over it. I don’t know why I did that because I love him a lot and I would do anything to make this work me and him. Well like I said he rubbed in my face all the time and said he don’t need a girl who talked to other guys cause if I would love him I would never done that. I don’t know why he brought this up cause we talked about it and I told him why I did it and everything was alright again. I mean I even told him everything.
Anyways 2 weeks ago I went to the states to visit him and it shocked me that was not the guy I met and knew for 2 years. He was distance sometimes really quiet and it seamed he was thinking a lot. I was planning to stay 3 weeks there after 2 weeks he wanted me to go back home cause he said he needed time to think. I did understood it cause I know he never been by himself after he left her. There still lived at the same house for 2 weeks and she was yelling at him all the time. So I thought he needs to be by himself to start working at the stuff what happened the last few weeks.
I got back to Germany did not hear a week from him. Yesterday we talked on the phone again. He said he don’t care about anyone no more, he got no feelings for no one and he just want to be left alone. I was like ok if you telling me you don’t care about me no more I guess I wont care no more neither and hanged up. I was really said and hurt that he said this after all we went threw. I also was mad that I went to the states for a jack ass like that. Today I called him again I know it was wrong but I couldn’t believe what he told me the day before. Well the talked normal until he started the internet thing again. We pushed each other that
far that I told him everything I felt. I said that he is a liar for telling me 2 years that he loves me and never want to lose me. That I cant believe he told me before he left that he loves me and then 4 weeks later he don’t have any feelings for me anymore. You can’t stop loving someone in a short time like that. He said that I should start to understand that we will never be like we used to be and there is NO us in the further I can be his friend and if I cant respect that then we should stop talking and break it off all the way. I should get the prcture out of my heat that me and Him are married and have a life together. I denied that I had a picture like he thinks made up. He wants to be single the rest of his life and he doesn’t need that shit no more. He DID love that’s how he ended it.
I don’t know what to think I'm really confused we really went threw a lot of problems in those 2 years and he also used to be my best friend all that is gone. I can’t believe he just can turn his feelings off like that. I don’t believe him that he wants me to find an other Boyfriend I just cant. Maybe I’m the dumb one here and just can’t take it that he dumped me, but I can’t understand why he is acting like this. He always was honest to me and never said he will leave his wife until he actually did and I think that surprised him too. He told me that he never thought he was able to tell her about me. He told me about his problems with her and that he doesn’t love her no more but ever made me any hopes. So I know he did not just played with me for 2 years. I don’t know what to do this is not the guy I used to know.
Please help and tell me what to too. Right now I feel like I’m falling and falling and cant never get up again. I’m so hurt that I can’t even walk or think about anything else. I don know what to do no more. Please help me.
If there is anything else you want to know let me know. Sorry about my English but I’m German and I’m really up sad and cant thing straight.
Thanks Jasmin
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Want to answer more questions in the Relationships category?
Maybe give some free advice about: Love Life?
Well if you are upset, how do you think his wife feels. Why does it suprize you that his feelings have changed? His feelings changed for his wife -which is why he was sleeping with you.
If he can cheat on his wife for two years, then you know he is a good lyer. How can you trust someone like that? If he truely ever did love you, he would have left his wife long ago to be with you. If he wanted to be with you, he'd make it happen. Instead he pulled you along for two years with no commitment!
Getting involved with a married person is just a bad idea. No matter what happens, it always ends badly for someone, and most often everyone.
Move on with your life, you deserve someone completely deticated to you. You should never have to share you man with someone. And the fact that you let this go on for two years makes you just as much falt as it is his.
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Is it possible that he's suffering from post-traumatic stress disorder? Has he been in combat or a high-stress situation, particularly in the past couple of years? The behavior change that you described seems unusual, so I have to wonder if there's some cause.
In any case, right now you you're in pain, and you need help - more help than you're going to find online. If you have friends or family, spend time with them. Talk to them, if you're comfortable with that. If you have a religious counsellor of some kind, speak to her or him. It would also be a very good idea to speak to a mental health professional, since you're clearly suffering.
DON'T try to start a new romantic relationship with anyone. At this stage, you'll only hurt yourself and other people. You need to take time out from romance and love, and give yourself time to heal; time to find yourself again.
I recommend getting busy. Take a class, or several classes. Learn something new. Volunteer at a hospital or nursing home or school. The more active you are, the less time you'll have to think about your pain.
And in time, the pain will become less.
I don't know what will happen with you and this man. No one here can really know. But I can certainly tell you that no matter WHAT happens, you need to take care of yourself right now - and to get whatever help you can.
I wish you the best of luck.
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I am afraid that this fellow is one big complicated mess who has not got a clue as to what he want's and the sooner you end the relationship the better.
You are the short straw and he will never let go of his family,there is a saying" he wants his cake and eat it which means you will always be his bit on the side and his family will be the stable part of his marriage despite what he tells you, there are lots of good single steady guys around.
Moggie
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Hi Jasmin,
I think that your so called bf is scared.. that is why he is pushing you away. I beleive he is scared that due to his bad break up with his ex wife, it ended badly.. and he didn't want the same thing to happend twice, when he is with you. He has negative thoughts in him right now. He just needs time to realize your worth and how much you mean to him.. He will get back to his old self once again.. You just have to be patient. Just needs to gain a little perspective.
If you need anymore help. I'm here for you
-SS
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I hope that I can help...
Don't feel sorry. This man that you know for 2 years is not the same man. He's changed. He told his wife that he didn't want her and that he was not coming back to her when he left and told her about you. He's probably feeling really bad and maybe he want's his wife and family back. He probably told you this so that he could work things out with her or he is seeing someone else. Once someone cheats on someone the can't help themselves and do it again.
You have to start over and find someone that is going to love you for you. Leave the past behind you can start fresh. It will take sometime but your probably a strong person. There's more men out there and will treat you with the respect and love that you need.
If he tries to call you or write tell him how you feel and tell him that you never want to see him again because you don't need to be treated that way.
Good luck and god bless
am
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I don't know how much more i coud say, but i'll try.
First off i can understand why he changed when he left his family. He left everything that he had known, his wife, his kids, thats hard. At the same time he was wrong by treating you like that. Do you really want to be with this guy? Like you said, he's not the same person. Also how do you know that he is not seeing someone else in the U.S.? he did it to his wife, why not you?
What i think you should do?
try to get over him, don't sit around the house all day wallowing in self pity. get up and move on - hes not worth it.
If he calls back and begs for you back, saying that he didn't know what got in to him, then you could do a couple of things.
Not get back into that relationship (thats what i would do)
throw your self back him (do not do)
or let him explain and think about it.
I know it will hurt and i know that it will be hard. But hang with your friends, and try. The heart is good at mending itself, no matter how long it may take.
Good Luck and all my Love
<3
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