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Can't get over losing best friend
First of all I'll give a little background. I met my friend almost 10 years ago, we were both teenagers at the time and instantly clicked for some reason. We had little inside jokes and shared everything. I felt like she was the sister I never had. We talked about dating and as we grew older we discussed our marriages. She had a baby boy while I went through infertility and a miscarriage. That put a strain on our friendship because I was jealous and she didn't understand why i found it hard to be around her baby. We didn't speak for about 6 months and I finally wrote her a letter of apology. Then she moved away, we kept in contact and after a year she moved back and everything was just like it was before. By the way we were each other's maid of honors at our weddings. When I finally got pregnant she threw my baby shower and held my hand while I went to doctors appts and went through labor. We had our differences. She was very outgoing and I was shy. She had a lot of friends and I had a hard time making them. She was religious and I was undecided. I went through christianity to wicca and finally settled on atheism. She was christian but not a hard core bible thumper. After my baby was born we talked about parenting a lot. She believed in spanking and letting your child cry it out, I didn't. I expressed my disagreement but told her I thought everyone had the right to parent as they saw fit. We talked about politics and after 9-11 we both agreed that Bush should go into Iraq & Afghanistan. We both agreed that abortion was wrong. We talked about religion and she said she thought her other friend was going to hell because she was mormon. At this point she had started going to church religiously. I asked her where she thought I was going since I was atheist and she told me, hell. I hung up on her and cried but we patched things up a few hours later. I was hurt that despite knowing what kind of person I was that she still thought just because her bible said so that I was going to a place where they keep murderers and rapists in the same place as nonbelievers. I couldn't believe that she judged me like that. I thought she accepted me no matter what, after all I accepted her no matter what. Sure we had our differences but we also had things in common. I became more disenchanted with organized religion and talked about a paper I was writing that was anti-bible with her. After a lot of thinking I decided I was against the war in Iraq and we talked about that. I had pictures of her kids all over my walls and vise versa, we both babysat for each other and talked on the phone for hours at a time. Whenever she was upset about something I was there for her and vise versa. Her brother died of a drug overdose and I supported her through that. A few months later she started avoiding me. I would call and she would say she was busy. I just had a feeling she was mad at me. We had always said after the last time we didn't speak for 6 months that we would work things out next time and we would be friends until we were old ladies. So I asked her what was wrong and she said she was just busy. I accepted that answer. Then I get an email from her. She says that although she still cares about me, she's been wondering why we're friends still. Maybe it was just because we had known each other so long because we didn't have anything in common any more as far as politics, parenting and religion go. She said something like she didn't feel like we were good friends any more. I felt like she was saying that I couldn't be her best friend because I didn't vote to re-elect Bush, spank my kids and go to church every sunday like she did. I cried as I read her letter and felt like I had been slapped in the face. Like she was insulting everything that I stand for. I fired back and told her that I couldn't be her clone and that although we were different I never expected her to be just like me and change her views. She responded with "sorry you feel that way, have a nice life" that just made it worse, she didn't even care about ending a 10 year friendship! Just like that. Now I have no friends, nobody to talk to if I'm feeling blue or need to vent about my husband or chat about parenting or politics. I don't know how to make new friends and don't really want to because I'm afraid I'll just be rejected again for my different views. Sometimes I miss my friend so much and just want to call her and make up but I know I can't. What can I do to make this feeling go away? It's been almost a year and I'm miserable
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Want to answer more questions in the Relationships category?
Maybe give some free advice about: Friendship?
I'm very sorry about your situation. Losing friends is hard- I know because I just grew apart from one of my best friends of almost 4 years.
You have to understand that friends grow apart. Once your lives got started, you had to spend more time with your families and less time with each other.
You've gone through different situations. For instance, you went through infertility and she didn't. What you experience and what you're exposed to, I guess I can say, "molds" your personality. That seems like why you two are so different now, because when you're kids/teens, you're almost always exposed to similar things, but when you're an adult, it's completely different.
She seems pretty insensitive. That shows when she sent you that e-mail. That whole thing about her saying that you're going to hell angers me, and I don't even know this person! A Christian is supposed to lead other people to Jesus Christ to be saved, not say "Oh, you're going to hell."
Friends are supposed to accept each other's differences. She obviously doesn't, so realize that. You tried to keep the friendship going, but it takes two to tango. If one friend is keeping the friendship going, it's one-sided.
Don't mope around the house. Try a new hobby. Read a new book. Do what you love.
Don't be scared of other people just because of what one person did to you. Not everyone is like that woman who was your friend. It scared me at first when I lost my friend... I was always scared of losing friends. But you can't go through life being scared, because that brings you no happiness.
Maybe you can get your husband to introduce you to some people. If you work, ask a coworker to a friendly lunch. Ask a neighbor to lunch. Get involved in your community by volunteering.
To introduce yourself to someone new, say, "Hello, my name is ______, what's yours?"
Getting to know people is easy, and fun! Ask questions like:
-What sports do you like to watch?
-What's your career?
-Have a husband/kids/pets?
-Do you like music?
-What do you think of __________ (something going on or new, like a new park)?
The possibilities are endless, really.
Good luck! I hope I helped, and if you have any more questions, feel free to leave one in my inbox!
♥Manders
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I don't want to be mean, but from reading all this, you seem to come off as a needy person who is looking for approval. And if you don't get that approval - you get mad and think you are being judged.
I am guessing your friend thought it was more work to be friends then it was fun. And often that happens. Friends grow apart. And seeing how much you both dissagree on, I am suprized you stayed friends for so long.
I don't think your friend was judging you, she just doesn't have the same beliefes as you. (Which makes it hard to stay friendly) You seem to get so deffensive about it - "How can she judge me!" But I honestly don't think she is - you just have nothing in common - I am sure it is fustraiting for her too.
If you are constantly worried what people will think of you and your beliefs you will never find friends.
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I'm sorry you're going through this right now. It's hard to lose a friendship, especially one that has lasted as long as this one. As people age, they sometimes become set in their ways. If views are severely different, it can lead to a breakdown of the relationship.
Personally, I think your friend was wrong to end the friendship because you had different beliefs than her. It's not common to find someone who is a clone (to borrow your word) of yourself and I think she is being unrealistic to expect you to change to meet what she feels is the correct way to live. My husband and I have widely different views on politics which has led to some lively debates, yet I can't imagine ending our marriage because he doesn't feel the same way I do.
I think the previous advisor made some good suggestions. I would like to add a few things. If your child is in school, have you considered volunteering at the school? It would give you the opportunity to meet other parents. Another option is trying the internet. With the wide variety of email groups, forums and chatrooms, you should be able to find someone who shares a common interest.
It's common after a breakdown of a relationship to be afraid to try again for the fear of being rejected. One thing to keep in mind is not everyone will feel the same way as your friend did. Many people are tolerant of others' beliefs even if they don't necessarily agree with them.
Last, I would sit down and write your friend a letter to explain your feelings. You don't have to send it, but I think it would help to just get it out.
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It seems like you're asking a few different questions here, and I'll try to answer some of them.
First, research shows that most people's personalities are not really 'set' until at least their mid-twenties. What this means for the everyday person is that friendships we had when we were younger are based on who we were at that time. As we grow older and into ourselves, we will naturally change and develop. This means we might grow apart from people we had previously been very close to. There's no blame to be placed in this, as it happens to everyone at some point in their lives.
Next, it seems like while your friendship was deep and valued, there was also a lot of struggle. Religion, politics, and childrearing are three areas that will seriously affect longterm relationships - along with finances, these are some top reasons for divorce. And the more strongly people hold their beliefs, the more likely they are to choose to find like-minded people.
Your beliefs are worth no less than your friends; some would argue that they seemed to have more human warmth in them. Friendship, while it can provide as an arena to challenge ourselves, shouldn't feel like a judgemental warzone. Someone you love telling you you're destined for hell is enough to mess up any relationship - be in ten minutes, ten years, or thirty years long.
Finally, I understand having a fear to meet new people. But you won't be rejected for your 'different views' if you find people who share similar views. A good way to start if you're shy is to join email groups with people - either people in your area, people with similar views about the war, a mother's room, etc. This allows you to practice being yourself and being liked for who you are, rather than being judged by someone else's standards of who they think you should be.
Another great way to meet people is by putting your child in playgroups; this way you can meet other local mothers and strike up friendships while your children play.
Other people are out there, but they won't just magically appear. If you want good friendships with new people, you have to put a lot of work it - but the payoff is worth it.
Finally, you need to grieve the ending of a long friendship. Grief doesn't go away overnight. Some suggestions to help can include counselling, journalling, painting, and talking to some of the new friends that are waiting to meet you.
Best of luck.
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