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Secretive Boyfriend having Family Problems
I'm 17/F and I need advice concerning my boyfriend. We have been together about 2 months now and things have been up and down between us, but we are head over heels in love with eachother. We occasionally have our fights over petty things, but we always make up and I am very happy being with him. Well recently things were even more amazing than usual and we hadn't fought like we usually would. Well it seems like everyone is out to break us up. I had my ex boyfriend trying to tell him that I cheated on him, and then I had guys that used to be friends with him telling me he cheated on me. Everyone was trying to get us to break apart and the underlying reason was crystal clear to me: They wanted us to break up so that I would be single so they could make their move on me. All of them mentioned how they could "treat me better" and all that bullshit. I truly love my boyfriend and I would NEVER cheat on him. But the one area that I always stumble into in all the relationships I've been in is trust. I'm naturally not a very trusting person. And I definently don't trust my boyfriend that much. I trust he would never cheat on me, but when he tells me something I don't trust his word on it. He makes up white lies all the time and exaggerates alot. I have no problem with this really, because I can be a fibber at times as well. But the problem I do have is that he is VERY secretive about his serious issues in his life. Like his family especially. He only lets me know bits and pieces about his family issues. He lives with his mom and his step-dad. I know ALOT about this family. I've met them and I know all of them really well. But his real dad I don't know much about and he doesn't tell me much. His real dad he is not allowed to see because his mom doesn't want him around him, so she told my boyfriend that if she caught him going up there to see him she would send him to military school. So he secretly keeps in contact with him and visits him only about twice a year. He said he won't tell me much about it because the last girl he was with threatened to tell on him to his mom once and she almost got him caught and he said he wants to keep certain things to himself. And I understand that. I'm the same way. But he is double-sided. If I keep something to myself and I am upset about it, he will get PISSED if I don't tell him all the details. And just last night I was hanging out with him and his mom called his cell demanding him to get his ass home or she would call the cops. He had just got off work and it was around 12:30 when we drove back to his house. His mom and step dad were pissed because he "hadn't done his laundry" and he was out late, when he doesn't have a curfew on the weekends! So that didn't at all make sense to me. Well he pulled up at his house and his step dad was standing in the front lawn. He gave me a kiss goodnight and the minute he opened the car door to get out, his step dad reached his hand into the car, grabbed my boyfriend by the hair and threw him onto the front lawn and started punching him and kicking in his ribs and face! I immediately got out of my car and ran over there. His step dad was punching him and cussing him out and my boyfriend was on the ground screaming, "I didn't do anything wrong! STOP!" Well I started screaming at his dad to stop fucking beating him up and he looked at me and briefly stopped and told me to get in my fucking car and get the hell out of there or something will happen. I stood there not wanting to leave, but my boyfriends uncle gently pushed me toward my car and told me to leave quickly. The whole night I couldn't sleep or eat and I was crying all night and morning because I was afraid they found out he went to see his real dad and they were going to send him away. And I was also afraid my boyfriend would decide to move 2 hours away to get away from them. Well I finally got to see my boyfriend around 10:30 and his face was all cut up, his ear cartilage was torn, his back was covered in welts and so was his neck and chest, and his head had a HUGE bump on it. He told me his step dad called the cops on him because he punched him and busted his nose. (His dad had continued beating the shit out of him for 15 minutes straight after I left and drug him by his hair up the stairs so my boyfriend got up and punched him in the face). Well when I asked why his dad did this he said he would tell me later. Then he told me later that he couldn't tell me because it was a "family issue" and it didn't concern me and it was something real serious, and he was told not to talk to anyone about it. Well I was upset that he wouldn't tell me, but I wasn't going to press it. Well later that night he told me the reason was because he "missed curfew", "kept having people over without permission", and "wasn't checking in with them enough". I know it was a lie. I can tell when he lies and he was lying to me. But I wasn't going to add stress by bringing it up. So is there any way that I can get my boyfriend to open up to me? I understand people need there privacy and some thing kept to themselves, but there are certain things I think I should be entitled to knowing since I am his girlfriend, and since he expects me to tell him about my serious issues as well. (Sorry my question is so long!)
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I read some of the others answers and all I have to say about them is that they are REALLY rude. If they aren't going to give advice then they need to get off of here! Anyway, to your question... I think you just need to give him some time. Patience is the key and if you show that you have that eventually he'll open up. Don't tell him EVERYTHiNG either and if he says something explain that you don't feel right pouring out your heart and him not telling you everything. Let him know that it bothers you and that he should key you in at least a little bit. He said that he had a girl break his trust by threatening to tell his mom about seeing his real dad. You just gotta give him time there I suppose. He's trying to trust and I'm guessing it's hard if someone's betrayed you. I'm really sorry that you two are going through this, but I'm sure everything will get worked out. The beating that happened to him NEEDS to be reported to the police ASAP! Abuse is the answer to NOTHiNG! Good Luck with everything and if you need anything else just email me! God Bless! =]
<3 -- *Ashley*
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Give it some time. 2 months seems long but it sounds like he is in a situation where if the wrong thing is said then he is in for a really rough time of it.
Trust is very important in a lasting relationship. I hope once you have been around a little longer he will trust you more. Then again, he has been around his mom all his life and look what she makes him live with. You may just have to be a little more understanding with him than your "regular" guy.
Ask him about things. Tell him there is no need to lie to you about it. Let him know of he doesn't want to discuss it, just say so without lying about it. He will either come around or he won't. I would give it a little more time before giving up entirely.
By the way, next time get in your car and then call the cops. There is no reason for him to have to put up with what he does. You don't need to tell him you called and I don't think they will tell if you request them not to. Most of all, keep yourself safe in those situations. :)
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Time. It's going to take time for both of you to completley trust each other. Personally I can tell you that its 10x more difficult for guys to open up to girls, than it is the other way around. Most guys just aren't used to that, so yeah it's going to take time.
Sometimes past experiences make it very difficult to try again. It's understandable that your boyfriend doesn't want to tell you everything about his family, at least not yet. Be the one to take the first step and be more open, so that he may do the same. I know it's difficult. Don't expect him to be completley open so quickly, he'll need more time than you think to completley recover and completley trust you. It can't be a one way street where he'll tell you 100% but you only tell him 90%. You could always just ask him to at least try to be as open or if not more than you are. Just be patient, good things come to those who wait. Hope that helped and good luck.
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The fact is..do you trust your boyfriend? Do you think he trusts you? There will be obsticles in a relationship but couples have to be strong and stick them out. That's what makes you strong! Forget thefriends who are trying to come in between you two. they aren't real friends to begin with. =)!
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Hello there. You've got a LOT going on in your life. I think you're stuck in a toxic relationship. Let's talk about that first:
A true and healthy relationship will revolve around basic aspects: Trust, Honesty, Love, and Respect. You and your boyfriend aren't going to be able to reach a true level of intimacy if you haven't gotten past the level of he-said she-said bs and basic communication. True love is based upon the good, the bad, and the ugly. And love sometimes means being hurtful because that's what is the truth. If he isn't going to open up to you, you will always feel arm's length from him despite the time you two share together. It has to be a reciprocal relationship of give and take. You get back what you give in. Otherwise, you end up feeling completely drained, and ultimately empty-handed.
As for the episode of Jerry Springer, it's not your boyfriend's fault that he is in a bad situation with his family. No one deserves to be in a position of abuse or neglect. His stepfather should be reported to the proper authorities and they should be separated by either your boyfriend or his stepdad living somewhere else. Now that being said, you need to consider where you stand with your man. Is being with him healthy for you? Is being with you better for HIM at this time in his life? It's hard to walk away from someone in their time of need. You may decide to be there to support and comfort him, and that would be admirable. But do consider your well being too. Putting yourself in harm's way or emotional distress won't help either one of you or your relationship either.
You need to have a heart to heart and level with him. It's got to be real and true from here on out. If he loved you the way he says he does, he would trust and respect you enough to let him into his life and let you share his burden. You need to respect his pride and privacy, but also be real to him, too. He should know by now whether or not you are going to cheat. So no more white lies, you have to live up to the expecations you place upon him.
I hope things work out for the best.
Good Luck!
Anne Nonimous
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