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Leaving for Uni / leaving my boyfriend
I'm leaving for my 1st undergrad year very soon and I don't know what to do about my boyfriend when I leave. Should I try and conduct a long distance relationship?(My uni is in a different country to my home town). Or should I break up with him? Maybe a trial separation till Christmas when I return for the holidays? Or even an 'open relationship'?
Pros
1)I love him. He loves me.
2)My boyfriend and I will have been together for nearly 1 1/2 years when I go.
3)He's very sweet and he gets on with my family.
4)He's pretty good at sex.
5) He's accepting of my sexuality.
Cons
1) He's a compulsive liar.
2) I'm bi and uni will be my first real chance to explore that.
3)He cannot hold down a job. Or school/college.
4)His sex drive seems a lot higher than mine when we're together.
1)He wants forever and a family. I'm not ready to settle down and I never want to get married.
BTW we're both 18.
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Well it depends if you want to be tied down with your guy. This new opprtinity(can't spell) may be the chance to maybe get with a girl. I'd say dump him because you mentioned he cannot hold down a job or school or college. Or if you don't want to do that, a trial sepraration may work. Hope I helped!
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Conduct the long distance relationship. It is just as good as a close relationship, just without the physical aspect to it. It should be enough to sustain the relationship until you get out for the winter break. This is when you can finally have the physical aspect.
With the forever and family, that can be avoided. simply, just stay together with him as long as you can, and tell him that you are not ready to get married until you are out of college if he ever offers it. Will sustain it until then, and by then, it would be 5.5 years. I doubt you'd love him that long.
-Steven
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hi there,
Being separated for so long at such a distance is enormously difficult. If you 'wait', it effectively means you have to put your social, sexual and romantic self 'on hold' for that time. And it means he has to do the same. You might want to consider coming to some arrangement with him that you will stay in touch electronically and by phone as much as possible. You can agree to support each other and love each other from a distance. But you might also want to agree that you won't stop each other from meeting other people and you won't stay home by the phone each night waiting for it to ring. If your relationship survives during this time, then I think you will both agree that you have something worth having and saving.
Meanwhile, you might want to focus on your state of mind. You might feel it's 'unfair' that your boyfriend is away. But his education is important - and that's that. You're not going to change it. One way of coping with it could be to socialise with other women whose men are away and to concentrate on doing some stuff for you. Maybe you could throw yourself into further education, or travelling, or a hobby. In other words, turn this into an opportunity rather than counting the seconds until you can be with him again.
You also need to see your own life with its various possibilities as valid and important. It may be that you are evaluating yourself through him. That's to say, you have felt better about yourself because you have a loving boyfriend. It's vital you feel better about yourself because you're you -not because you have a man. This is a difficult lesson to learn but an important one. People are able to form much better relationships when we like and love ourselves for who we are.
Finally, do lean on your family and your friends while you are so sad. Let them pamper and take care of you. If you do, things will soon seem more bearable.
Best wishes
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Unfortunately you list some pretty big relationship breakers in both categories. I think you need to take a break for now and see what happens in the future.
I can't see anyone putting up with a liar for any long term relationship. If you can't trust someone you love to tell you the truth...they aren't worth it.
"pretty good" at sex is no good either. Find someone wonderful.
You want a chance to explore so you are probably not as in love as you think. Most people who love each other can think of nobody else but that person they love.
He is 18 and totally irresponsible. Unless you are prepared to be the sole provider in any long term relationship...bad news.
He wants family and you do not. BIG indicator of a miss match.
Go to college free to do your own thing. :)
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You've pretty much answered your own question.
He doesn't sound worth holding on to. Your paths are diverging; you know you want different things in the future. Don't string the guy along if you know you are basically incompatible at this new stage in your life.
You can love someone and still accept that you can't make each other happy.
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Frankly, since you're asking the question, that tells me that you already know the answer.
If you loved him so much that you couldn't stand to be leaving him, you wouldn't be leaving. Which means that you just aren't that into him. Which means that your relationship is unlikely to survive as a long-distance one. That puts a lot of stress on a relationship.
Besides, you two seem to have some pretty major stumbling blocks between you (those are quite a few Cons, and they look serious).
I'd say you should cut him loose, as gently as you can. Or make the relationship an open one, if you don't want to burn your last bridge (and if he'll accept that). It doesn't sound as if you feel that he's "the one", after all.
You're 18 and going out into the world on your own for the first time. Go, have fun, learn a lot, and meet some new people.
Carpe diem!
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