|
do you lke this?
Well I wrote this, not really a poem, just kind of a one of those little writings.. will you tell me what you think of it so far... maybe some help on it, or wordings that would sound better?
After spending hours on end perfecting every detail about herself, she heard the doorbell ring. Her heart races to see him. This was the moment she had been waiting for, for so very long now.She lopes quickly to the front door and swiftly swings it open to see her love. Her heart sinks inside of her chest in her overwhelmed body and her beathing has stopped as if her heart would have. He looks amazing, more amazing than ever before. Not a word comes out of either of their mouths, both stand there completely speechless, both infatuated by their prescences's beauty...
[ ]
Want to answer more questions in the Miscellaneous category?
Maybe give some free advice about: Random Weirdos?
Wow. Thats wonderful, i wish I could write like that... the best i can come up with is *roses are red, violets are blue, sugar is sweet, and so are you* (and i stole that from whoever made it up). I think you could have a future in writing!
Stay beautiful! Stay you!
]
where's the rest of it? make them like have sex and stuff.oh, and make it VERY detailed please.
]
Ver much... I do like it. I don't think that we should change the wordings, because that makes it less original, less unique to you! I like it how it is. It's beautiful... hehe.. I'm a hopeless romantic, I love it!! :D Good job writing, keep it up!! I'm a writer myself, but I mostly stick to short stories and creative writing pieces; though this ^^ could be considered a creative writing. I mostly write stories, about girls and horses.... hahaha! You know why? Because that's all I know about! Just kidding. But I work for a looong time on each thing, to make it perfect. (though it never really is.) This past year I wrote something, in the form of a diary, about a girl and her horse for the State 4-H show. I got 2nd place for that. :-) I really like your... poem / writing thing. Very good! Though...
Watch your tenses. I have a problem with this too.
Try and be more descriptive.
Use big words AND small words.
Make it unique.
Be flavorful. Haha.
-FunnyCide
]
It's a good idea. Be careful about tense-shifts. You can't seem to decide between past tense and present tense. Present is good if you're trying to keep the reader "in the moment", and past is good if you really want to keep it a story.
Personally I prefer past-tense. Most writing is in past.
Watch your spelling, and try some more descriptive terms. Like, What did she do when she heard the doorbell ring? Did she jump up and knock her chair over in an effort to get to the door quickly?
Also, try reading it aloud to see if it flows. If it sounds to you like you're telling your friend what happened the other day, then you've probably got it down pretty well. If not, try to make it a little more casual.
I like that you focus on trying to get the reader to recognize the feeling your main girl has when she hears her guy at the door. That's very good - try getting the reader to actually FEEL it. Describe the guy! Let your girl's eyes draw slowly up his legs, resting on his well-toned body and finally up to his gorgeous eyes - get me to feel what your girl feels.
Other than those couple things, this is very good! If you want an editor, I'm open. I love to help other people out (especially since I can't get to any of my own writing to edit and I'm kinda going through withdrawal).
I hope this helps!
-Siren =)
]
That is such a good little story thing! Is that from experience, just wondering because that is so beautiful. Tell me in some feedback b/c i really want to know. You are a great writer. Keep on writing, you may have a future in it! Hope i helped!
Thanks,
Jenna
]
That's madd cute and good hun! keep adding on just check some of the spelling! when your finished make sure you send me it so i can read it k! need anything ask*
Caitlin♥
]
It sounds wonderful and good description!Write more like who goes up to who,you could also write :there also seems to be a chemistry once they view each other's eyes,like love at first sight.....Then continue and write more lovely words keep up the great job!
]
yes, i do like that..it's very beautiful and descriptive...it reminds me of some of the romance mysteries i read...you coulld definitly become a writer..good job!!! good luck with your future masterpieces l0l! x0x ♥
]
More Questions: |