|
How do I stop being mean to my husband?
For some reason, things that my husband says or does make me so irritated and angry I end up saying mean things to him. He is very negative and says things that aggravate me, but I know that I overract and need to control my temper. For example, we were watching a kid's talent show that I really enjoy, and every time I try to watch it with him, he makes snide remarks about the kids and their parents. He seems to disaprove of children competing in a talent contest and parents encouraging their talents. I ended up getting angry the last time this happened (just recently). I turned off the show and told him he was being idiotic and there nothing wrong with children having a talent and pursuing it. He kept on calling it "child abuse" because a little boy was out of breath after playing the drums on the show, and making a big deal out of the fact that he was "only 5 years old." So what? I told him a lot of famous musicians and athletes started at young ages, and it's not child abuse if they enjoy what they are doing. I think he is very narrow-minded about this subject and other things as well and it leads to some heated arguments, mostly on my part because I think I explain my point of view much more clearly than he does and he tends to just repeat the same things over and over. It wasn't till much later in the argument that he said he disaproved of the music that the boy was drumming to because it was heavy metal and had strange lyrics. I said that you can't even make out the lyrics in the songs and even if you could, I doubt that a five-year old would understand them. Besides, he listens to this music too. This led to an argument that there shouldn't be music that you can't play in front of your kids. I believe all music should have clean lyrics. He said why don't we go further and have only g-rated t.v. and movies? I said that it is easier to control t.v. and movies. You can block out channels you don't want kids to watch, but you can't do anything about people in other cars blaring their obnoxous music with vulgar lyrics when your kids are in the car with you. I know I have strong opinions, and some of you probably don't agree with me, but I can't help how I feel. I guess I need to learn how to express my opinions without hurting my husband. I love him, I just don't always agree with him. Does anyone have any advice? I know I've been judgemental and already feel bad about it, so try not to make me feel worse. Thanks.
[ ]
Want to answer more questions in the Relationships category?
Maybe give some free advice about: Love Life?
Does your husband realize that when he insults the show you're watching, he is indirectly insulting your taste? That's probably a big reason you get upset. You should remind him that you feel hurt by this, and tell him to remember that your taste led you to him as well.
Every couple will have differing opinions on things. Personally I agree you should push kids to do things they enjoy, even if its tough sometimes. However your husband's reaction makes me think maybe he was pushed too much as a kid, and this is a sore issue for him. Perhaps the opposite, not being pushed enough and he takes your opinion as an insult to his childhood. Show a little compassion and agree to disagree. When it comes to your own kids, make sure if they want to do something, they ask daddy first because "mommy doesn't want me to push myself too hard". It's a good script, will show him that not only do you respect his decision, but that the kids really do want this for themselves.
As for the music issue, I actually agree with him. Your kids will eventually hear everything there is to hear. They will say all the bad words and phrases you don't want them to even hear now. It's better to talk to your kids about what they hear when they are young and you're still right about everything. When they hear it later in life, they already have an idea in their heads that they can make their own opinions on everything. Those opinions may not align with yours. Especially if they have never heard your opinion explained logically in the past.
]
It doesn't matter what music the kids were singing on this talent show they wouldn't be doing it if they werent enjoying it...... has your husband ever tried to make your kids do something they didn't wanna?!?!?!?! If not then maybe he should.... so then he'll know that kids'll only do stuff when they want to!!!!
Music s purely a medium which people express themselves.....although if you think that the music that he is subjuecting your children to is unsuitable then you should stop him.... explain the implications to him.... like you kid's coming out with a like from a Snoop song that his or her teacher wouldn't particukarly appreciate.
You should make an effort to take your family to crazy golf of paintballing or go-karting or something that you will ALL enjoy - then you will really see the fun side come out in all of you!!!!
Take care and whatever you do ...1) Do it as a FAMILY and ") Make sure you enjoy it!!!
TC
Mel xxxxx
]
Your husband ALSO needs to learn how to stop being mean to you. I was in a marriage like that... every single thing that I did, or liked was put down. I liked buying old wood furniture and refinishing it... instead of saying, wow hon you did a good job, I got - why do you do wierd stuff like this? I divorced him btw.
Even if your husband hates the show you're watching, he should learn to appreciate the fact that YOU enjoy it. I bet if he like motorcycle racing and you hated it, you'd still be there supporting him in the endeavor, not trying to make him feel demeaned and stupid. His negativity is going to be the death of your relationship. Didn't he used to be proud of your opinions and accomplishments when you first got together?
You should both go to a counselor to learn patience and appreciation of eachother if you want your marriage to work.
Hope this helps.
]
You just have to learn that he has an opinion too, doesn't everyone? If everyone agreed it would be a very boring world! Try not to judge him harshly because of his opinion. There is nothing wrong with a healthy and friendly debate about things that go on in the world, but it sure isn't worth getting real upset about either. SOME parents will always take advantage of their children's talents, some will go on to be rich and famous without harm. All movies, books, and music should be made available to whoever wants to have it. Parents have the right to decide what is appropriate for their children and what they want to allow. Your husband has a right to his opinion and you to yours. Just try discussing it calmly next time. Don't automatically think yours is the right opinion, its only yours. Some of his opinions may change because of your opinions and some of yours may change because of his. IF you have a civil discussion.:) All you guys are doing is getting each other riled up. You're probably BOTH half right on every subject.
Maybe he just likes yanking your chain? :)
]
hey! Um i know this may sound kind of werid but send your letter to Dr. Phil...Dr.phil.com. um even when your really mad just try and think happy thought and try to reason with him. try not to yell..talk in a calm natrual voice as if you were dicussing in arestruant or libary. That should keep the arugument from getting overdrawn an heated. Or just dont even bring up something that you know will set him or you off...and if he brings up an irratating subject ignore it or try and change the subject....okay hope that helps. Sorry for all the spelling errors!!!:0}
~TT~
]
Well, I'm not gonna read all that - I hate reading long things, sorry. Read most of it, though, and, I will say a few things.
Talk to your husband about what he says, when you're not angry. Tell him how it makes you feel. Reflect on why you get angry - anger isn't an emotion, it's the manifestation of the inability to cope with an emotion like fear, disappointment, sadness, and others.
When you have disagreements, try to approach them intellectually - "my husband isn't an idiot, he has a different point of view". I'm sure that you will find that there are things you two agree on, you just may have to go into deeper levels - discuss the genre of music, itself, and why each of you feels the way you do about it; discuss the issue of children listening to that music; the issue of children performing like that; the issue of parents helping and/or pushing their children to pursue talents. These are all separate issues, and should be discussed separately at some point in time as they are kind of related to people's core values and points of view.
]
More Questions: |