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Denial
My boyfriend an I have made plans for the future. I never ask for advice, I rather give it.. but I find myself at a loss of words when him and I tackle a few subjects. Our relationship is amazing, everything is going right, and is headed in a positive direction. However, for quite some time now.. I've believed strongly in a few select topics. And he refuses to be open-minded about these things. He relies on the excuse, "It's how I was brought up." I'm sorry if it's being unsympathetic, but I just don't see that as an excuse. He's an adult, he can make up his own mind. Everytime we talk about these things, it starts a debate, which neither of us can seem to win. If there would be one thing that would end our relationship, it would be this. He denies that he's closed-minded and it's a pointless argument everytime to him, but he refuses to change and I refuse to be okay with this. Any advice?
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i say respect him n his decision....n if he was brought up that way then u might not be able to change it.
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anonymous -
Although you believe strongly on a few select topics, respect his beliefs on it as well. You can't force someone to think the way you do because you believe that you are right. Although you may disagree with his arguments on a topic, respect it.
As for his excuse of "how I was brought up", it may sound unreasonable to you, but in a sense it does have some validity. For example, some families bring their kids up in a Christian background so in turn, they would oppose abortion and disagree with gay marriage. They were taught these kind of concepts through the growing process, so it's only natural for them to feel how they feel about something based upon their childhood or background in general.
My boyfriend and I argue about homosexuals all the time. He's a homophobe while I'm really ok with it. Although I don't agree with how he feels toward gays, I don't mind it because he will feel how he wants to feel. Who am I to try and change his beliefs? After all, I would want him to respect my opinions as well, so who am I to say anything?
The best advice that I can give you is to respect your boyfriend wholeheartedly and accept him for who he is, beliefs and all. Don't make big deals about controversial subjects, just keep it civil instead or steer clear of it altogether. The reason it appears pointless to your boyfriend is because he'd rather spend quality time with you instead of bicker at each other. Realize that the best way to learn and understand a certain subject is to hear and consider the opposing argument. Keep that in mind.
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I think if you won't act now then you might not have any chance to save your relationship. Try telling him what you are feeling and the effect it would have in your relationship. We don't know, he might reconsider after you've explain to him that it'll really affect your relationship.
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I know how you feel because there are some people in my life that are closed minded. Mostly, it is not their fault though. Parents somewhat make who you are. It is not the child's fault that their parents taught them what was right and wrong. When you're a child you don't know what's right and wrong. You learn it from the people around you. All of us, and I mean all of us, have learned our rights and wrongs through other people. If other people did not influence us, none of us would have any opinions and we'd all be neutral on everything. That's how I see it.
So when your boyfriend says it was how he was brought up, try to see it is not completely his fault.
My advice to you is to NOT try and change how he thinks. Everyone is entitled to their own opinion. It's one of the few priviledges we have. One person's right is another person's wrong.
Instead you should calmly explain to him your views. Don't try to change him, just make him see that their are other perspectives. Slowly show him how his opinions seem a little closed minded. Just take it slow and calm. Doing it any other way will just end up in frustration and vain.
My second piece of advice is to accept that he may be closed minded. This may be true, but everyone has a draw back about them. If you love your boyfriend, you will accept his faults and still love him for who he is. If you really cannot do this, maybe it's a sign you weren't meant to be.
Dating isn't about confining yourself to one person you are unsure about. It's to find out if they are the right person for you. You gain experience. You learn what you need and want in a relationship. If your boyfriend absolutely does not work out, you just need to accept it and move on. There is no point in staying with someone you do not 100% love.
I hope it goes well with your boyfriend.
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There are a few questions you really need to see eye to eye on. Children, monetary goals, and usually religion, are definate relationship brakers.
He's an adult, so I'm assuming you are too. What you really need to know is, can you give up your bickering? Can you "agree to disagree"?
As a couple, you will need to respect the others beliefs, even if there contrary to your own.
If it's not a day-to-day issue, ignore it. Enjoy your time together, don't waste it with petty arguements!
The bottom line: If you can't let your differences go, and they are important to you, be prepared to give up the relationship. And be glad you found out now, befor you've been married for 10 years, 2 kids, and a 30 yr. mortgage.
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Ahh... the joys of two strong-willed people in love... ;)
Next time he says, "It's how I was brought up", counter him with, "so, you're just going to blindly continue to live your life based on that?" or "so what?"... both drive home the message a bit.
However, you must also realize that changing him isn't always the best option - in fact, trying to force change on someone could be disasterous. You also used the magic word: debate. Don't debate things with him... discuss things... that way it isn't a competition and perhaps the both of you will be better able to talk about these things without feeling like someone will win while the other loses. Point out to him that for two people to have an on-going relationship, they have to be able to trust each other, and if he's unable to trust you to be able to talk to you about these issues in a level-headed manner... well, then he's really disrespecting the whole relationship.
That said, you should not be demanding change - don't force him to change, because that will only bring out resentment from him. And nothing will kill a relationship faster than two people starting to resent each other.
So what am I saying? The two of you must talk this out a bit more and come to some level of compromise - don't avoid the topics that cause this, but find a way to work through it. My wife and I still but-heads on a few topics, but the thing is, we've learned to try to understand each other's points of view over the years, so while we don't always have to agree, we can at least understand why we believe what we believe and we don't allow it to get in the way of anything else.
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