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morals vs faith [i apologize, it's very long!]
Hi, what I will address won't mainly be asking for advice, but for the input of the columnists on advicenators on a very controversial issue of morals against faith in the latter of sex.
I know that among some religions that premarital sex is sinful and highly prohibited without any exceptions, but what are your opinions?
I myself am a Catholic-Christan, and believed in the "sex until marriage" thing when I was together with my boyfriend. But as we got to know each other over the years, we got into intellectual conversations about this topic and if it's argument is valid and reasonable. I'm not saying that our relationship prompted a shift in mindset on this issue, but knowing him and being with him for so many years along with witnessing other married couples made me think about this a little more thoroughly.
I started to think about it as I grew older, and I began to feel differently. The divorce rate in the U.S. is at an amazingly high rate, and more couples are breaking it off even after saving the sex until marriage "policy". On some occasions I even think that these breakoffs are due to the quality of the sex. If the sex isn't good, usually lovers leave and commit infidelity. Unless the couple is really committed to one another, they will keep trying to make the sex work out.
The way I think about this scenario now is that I believe that it is acceptable to have sex before marriage, under certain circumstances. Because a couple must establish that intellectual intimate bond with commitment, devotion, loyalty, etc. Even then does that take years to accomplish, and the time spent shows respect to each other that both partners are willing to stick it out this long and wait for each other to take action that is of great importance. Also after all that is done, the relationship goes to the next level in the stage of sex. Having sex before marriage lets the couple know how how much they really love each other and how much they are willing to commit to each other. In a sense it tests us on how much we value sex and what factor it plays in our life. And if we don't pass the test in avoiding adultery, it was never meant to be with that person, so how can a couple get married if sex and passion got the best of them to steer them toward someone else?
To conclude, although you could say I'm going against my religion, it doesn't mean that I don't have faith. A lot of the "rules" that we have to abide by sometimes do seem unreasonable, in order to understand love and all the goodness that it brings, I really don't think marriage is enough to keep someone faithful.
In no ways am I encouraging premarital sex, especially on advicenators with teeny-boppers running around having sex with their semi-erect penises, but what I am saying is that before sex comes commitment, loyalty, devotion, understanding, civility, and vice versa. But I do believe that before marriage comes sex. Why because marriage is the highest level that a couple can go through to show their love toward one another for all of eternity, and how can you reach the highest level without sharing everything of yourself to your soulmate, including your most prized possession?
I apologize if I come off a little bias, but that isn't my intention at all. I'm not promoting anything, nor am I objectifying "sex before marriage." Those couples who are able to succeed through this lifestyle, I admire you, I really do. Especially in a society that is centered around sex nowadays. But I would like to know the opinions of others to better understand this controversial subject.
Thanks and sorry for the long read! I hope to hear a lot of responses!
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Hmmm, you posed a very intelligent question, one of the best ones since I've been on this site. Let me start off by telling you when I think a couple should have sex. I people should have sex when both people respect each other and themselves, and there is some strong and deep feeling between the two of them. I don't believe in having sex with the first person you see, no matter how..."compelled" you may be. But, not having sex until you're married *sigh!* oh, boy! Its kinda like mind over matter, huh? I've never had relations of any sort, but I know that I'm going to have pre-marital sex. By the way, i'm not Christian, if you're wondering. It depends on the person. For example, I know that I'm either never going to get married or I'm going to get married a number of times, thats because of my personality, I'm not skanky or anything, but sometimes I grow weary of people, even those I love. True, this society does push sex on even the youngest of children, but people need to understand the difference between having sex and making love. Having sex is just, well having sex, but making love, there is emotion between the people involved, passion, something that many relationships nowadays lack. In todays society, if you're a virgin, you're equivalent to being a loser, which isn't true. But I feel that modern religions are well...outdated. I'm not looking to offend anyone, but please, hear me out. You have to look at when many of these Holy Books were written and also consider who wrote them. Mainly men, and in Biblical days, having a married a wife who was a virgin was a prize, I guess it showed it was virtuos. But many women who were not virgins were taken outside of the city and stoned to death...doesn't that sound primitive? In spite of some of the things I have said, I feel that sometimes virginity is pushed too hard in religion, I mean theres nothing wrong with chastity, but...I can't seem to find the words to explain to say what I mean... oh, tarter sauce! I hope you got something from my useless babbling.
MAd Love,
Victoria
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Allow me to comment from a completely non-religious angle.
For the record, I don't think premarital sex is bad. I do, however, think that having sex with someone you do not love, is not good. Not necessarily bad, but not good. I think that if you are connected to the person you are having sex with, it's alright in my eyes. Meaning, you're not just in it for the physical pleasure. If during sex, you connect with your partner in more than just a physical way, that's good. If you're just looking for a quick lousy fuck to barely remember the next morning, THAT is bad.
For my own example, me and my girlfriend are quite sexually active. We do love each other, there is absolutely no question about that. And we do use protection, as we are too young to support a child (and I hate kids anyway.) As for marriage, well, I don't know if we'll ever stick it out that long, but for the record, I can easily see myself spending a long time with her. Then again, I'm 17, what the fuck do I know about love?
I hold the belief that a couple really should have sex before marriage. The practice of saving yourself until marriage is outdated at this day and age, and rarely seen anyway. And, as I've seen in some of my own friends, this can backfire. You bring up the point that if the sex is bad, marital infidelity is a possiblity. I believe this argument is valid, and encourage couples to have sex. (And when I say couples, I mean couples in love, who are old enough to get married without parental consent, who truly believe they can spend their lives with each other, and know beyond all doubt they can trust each other with their whole hearts.) Nowadays, sex is so emphasized that the average person will find someone else if they are dissatisfied. "So what if I'm married? My husband lasts 20 seconds! I can't live with that!" So I think it is a good idea to "test" your partner before marriage. "Try before you buy." Yeah, it sounds crude, but it gives you an estimate of what you have, and what you can work towards. Everyone wants to be a sexual god in bed.
On a different note, I congratulate you on not following any and every aspect of your religion. I hate to see people blindly following a faith with absolutely no questions whatsoever. Not to knock on your beliefs, of course. Believe in whatever makes you happy, just believe in what ideals you have created in yourself, not from someone else.
Thank god, a decent question for once! I've had enough of "i Got fIngErd aRe I pregnent!?" questions.
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Although you already seem to have made your decision..I would like to point out that "Do not commit adultery" is one of the Ten Commandments. I think if you are truly a devout Christian, you would abide by those as much as you possibly can, under any circumstances. A man and a woman are not united until they become one by marriage. Anything can happen in this short time between your first time with this man up until your marriage..there are many things that could happen really. He could cheat on you, leave you if you became pregnant, or one of you could die and not be able to become married. If you're the one who passes away (God forbid)..since you are judged by your sins, you would probably end up in the fiery evil of hell. Either way, it is a sin. If you have done it already, you may consider going to your Father of Confession and confessing and not doing it again until you really ARE married. I still respect your decision and I hope either way, you'll do the right thing =)
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Why should you have to follow a set of rules set down by somebody else. You should believe what you believe and not what some book or a priest tells you. Marriage is just a word, and other than the tax write-offs it gives you these days it is pretty meaningless. If you love somebody marriage should not have to be an issue on you deciding wheter you should have sex or not.
I dont believe in god, but from what I understand, its your body and not his and you use it to make your own mistakes and expiriences. You should not be ruled by some really old mistranslated book.
As for protection, god says "be fruitful and multiply" so that could mean that protection is not allowed.
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you did make alot of good points! have you considered being a lawyer? you would be good at it!
ok, well, you mentioned that a couple having sex is to see how much devotion they have for each other, or something like that. well waiting until marriage can also show how much devotion two people have for each other! it shows they love each other enough to save that special moment until they are married. it also shows neither of the two people are in the relationship for just sex. and that both people are more mature than that.
i don't know about you but i'm saving myself for my husband. it will be so much more special that way!!
hope i helped!
good luck with this debate thingy!
xoxo
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You are obviously very intelligent, and I respect your beliefs. Please understand that what I am about to say is not meant to offend you. I believe in a higher power, and I believe that religion was created as a path to that higher power. Every path should be respected. I am just going to share with you what I learned while walking down my own path...
I believe that marriage is an invention of religion, and that religion is an invention of mankind. Mankind has an idea of what love is, that love is eternal. And so, mankind has invented marriage to give ourselves an idea of what real love is.
However, I think that this particular invention is flawed. When we marry, we must promise to love another, and only one, that we will love them forever. Making such a promise wouldn't be a problem if we could choose what we are going to do tomorrow, today. In reality, we can only promise to _try_.
I agree with what you have to say in regard to sex and marriage. Sex should be the ultimate expression of love, an expression that must be used when words will not prove sufficient. To love someone you must know that person, accept that person, and at least try to understand that person. When you have done this, and come to the conclusion that you love this person, sex is an appropriate reaction.
And you should express to that person how much you love them before promising to even try to love them for the rest of their lives. Your right, you want to know WHO you are making that promise to. And sometimes you can only discover who they really are by exploring the subject more intimately.
Which is also why I believe that it is necessary to live with a person before you marry them. You want to make sure that you can live with them today before you promise to live with them tomorrow. It's sort of like, knowing the product before you buy it. If you buy, say, a CD before listening to all the songs on the album, you're bound to be disappointed in at least one of the tracks after you've all ready spent your money on it.
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o0 wow! I dont think that it's a sin to have sex before marrige. I am Catholic but that isnt really a sin to me. I mean its just something that 2 people in love are willing to do. I agree on what you said tho. I may not understand everything that you said but I get most of it. You are right tho because sometimes when a couple has sex and if its not soo good then they might wanna leave each other. Its really stupid but thats how some people are. If you wait until you get married and if its like that then .. I mean whats the point of getting married. Sex isnt a sin its just that you shouldnt do it while you are still young. If you are older then its fine and also if you dont do it so so much! l0l! x0
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Well. Is there any real purpose as to why its so sinful besides the fact its been said to be a sin? Think about it. Whats the real reason backing it to make it actually a real point. Who cares. Its your life do what you want.
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you made an interesting choice, but its good that you put this much time into it. good point on the quality thing.
it is certainly a good thing to know if your partner is good in the sack or not. there was a case in mass. a while ago in which this woman divorced her husband of 3 weeks after trying him out for a bit. the given reason was: his uncontrollable urge to urinate on or in said partner.
good enough reason to take the car out for a test drive? but before trying the car out, always get your stats and figures on the product(find out if the dude's marriage material or not) enter stiff negotiations(set guidlines and limits beforehand) and wear your saftey belt(condom). because you never know where that particular car has been driven. have fun! be safe!
-hitler the lemon specialist
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