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My Sister
When I was 13 I found out that I have a sister that had been put up for adoption. I had grown up thinking that I had two sisters and it was devistating to think that I had another one that I may never know and be able to love. So, I swore that one day I would find her. Back in March I did find her. I had searched for so long that I really felt that I would never find her and when I did I was afraid that since I grea up in a dysfunctional family and we weren't wealthy or anything that we wouldn't be good enough for her. Well, she is wonderful. We went through the DNA testing and when we found out it was just amazing. She came out for a visit in April and since then I have gone to see her twice. We live in seperate states. The two sisters and I that grew up together have the same father but she (2nd to the oldest) has a different father. My father is dead now (long story) but our mother is still living. Mom has a long history of drug abuse and she does not want my Sister to know about it.
This is my question. I think that she is noticing that Mom isn't as close to her as she is our oldest and youngest sisters. They e-mail and Mom calls about once a month or so but she and I talk weekly and on the internet every night. The other two sisters rarely e-mail her and they don't call her. I know that she doesn't feel as connected to the family as she would like to and I feel responsible because I was the one that went looking for her. There are times that she tells me that it really hurts her feelings and I am not sure what to say.
I love her so much, she is just fantastic and had a terrible life growing up. Her adopted Dad wound up in prison and her adopted Mom comitted suicide when she was a teenager. I know that she has abandonment issues because of all of that and now I am scared that meeting her bio family is just adding to those issues because of their distance. I wouldn't take for knowing and having the chance to be in my sister's life and her in mine but sometimes I feel so guilty for causing her even more grief.
Did I do the right thing by finding her or was I just being selfish because I missed her so much being in my life? I am just afraid that my love for her just isn't enough to make up for all of the time that she has done without and now that she has found her bio family that maybe the dream of what they were was better than what we are.
Confusing and long I know but anyone with input would be appreciated.
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First of all, I'd like to say your the sweetest person ever! You really cared about finding her, and you did! Congratulations!!! Your 2 other sisters are distant towards her because they haven't been with her, she's kind of a stranger to them. It'll take time for them to start connecting to your other sister. It's not that they don't like her, it's just that they probably don't know what to do. After how many years, they find out they have another sister, maybe their still shocked? Your mom may be distant towards her because, it makes her feel bad. Just think, everytime your mom talks or sees your sister, it hurts her. Knowing that grown up girl, was the one she abandoned when she was a baby. I guess it'll just take time for your family to accept her, it doesn't mean they don't like her. Not everyone is perfect, so don't think your sister thought your family would be "better", there's nothing wrong with your family. I just wanted to say your such a wonderful person for going out there and looking for her! She's had a hard past, so always be there for her!
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In my opinion, you did the right thing. Sounds like your sister had such a rough life, dealing with her adopted mom's death and her father's criminal record. She was probably really sad, but when you found her, it sounds like you really helped her out. You were so considerate and so loving of a sister that you cared so much to find her. She seems like she was (and still is) going through a rough time, and all she really needs is someone who really and truly loves her. Try inviting her and the rest of your family out for a nice dinner. Have your sister stay over one night, or go to a day at the spa together. Whatever you do, be there for her, and love her. You sound like a really sweet person.
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You definatly did the right thing.I think anyone in your case would have.Maybe you guys ned to talk, liek about everythings thats happened and what your feeling.You've both gone through incredibly hard times.Try telling her all the the things you just told everyone here.How you care for her so much and the things that you've wnet through.Hope i helped and GOOD LUCK!
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You didnt do anything wrong... cuz it sounded like she doesnt really have anyone either... & its really hard to NOT know who ur bio family is... whether u get along with them or not... dont worry about how ur mom & sisters act towards her... having you in her life is going to make a BIG impact... always be there for her & let her know... no matter what they say you will always love her... there are plenty of selfish people out there in the world that act like that... YOU arent one of them... keep in touch with her... make her feel like shes YOUR sister...
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I dont think you did any wrong by wanting to know your own sister. Just think that if you wouldnt have went and look and wouldnt have given a rats ass about it, you wouldnt have a relationship so close to her and maybe later in life you would have regretted not even caring to look for her. When she tells you how bad it hurts, tell her about the childhood you had. Let her know that your family wanst the best either. I dont think that it is so much grief your causing her as much as happiness for having you. I think she is glad to have you , have someone to talk to about things and someone who really cares. So good luck ! i wish the two of you the best of luck with everything.
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I was adopted too. You did the right thing by looking for her. I don't eve know where to begin to look because nobody can give me a straight answer as to my birth mothers whereabouts, and she never named the father at my birth. I would talk to the rest of your family and tell them to try and include her more. I'm sure she's very thankful for you looking for her. Knowing anything is better than knowing nothing.
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when she tells you it hurts her feelings then tell her about your mom and drug abuse and all the stuff that has happened to your family and then that you know her situation is worse but you want her to know that you love her and that she can start a new relationship with her mom and sisters by e-mailing them more and talk about personal things.
you did the right thing you got her one new friend and the possibility if she works for it a whole new family that could come closer because of her coming into your lifes.
love always
alex000
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Sweetie, you were curious about your family and you went out and searched to find the answers. I think that makes you very responsible and very concerned for your family and for your sister. Your family might not feel very close to her because she hasn't been around long and she wasn't there through all of the hard times. They could even be afraid in a way because they aren't used to having another family member around because this whole this is new. You both seem to have a connection...she's been through a lot and so have you. And as an opinion of mine, I really think that as long as you two have each other that is enough to keep you strong. Your family may not accept her as well as you do and that could lead to some problems. But you all need to be willing to work things out or nothing will happen. Talk to your family and your sister and come up with any ideas that can make your family start over and be closer to your sister. It's very important to have a close family. But if you don't that's okay...as I said before if you and her are close that should be enough. You missed her and probably needed her in your life, so maybe right now she needs you. The only thing I can think of is to try as hard as you can to get your family together again. But if they refuse to do that you can't make them. Trying to is the only thing that might help. Anyways, keep in touch with your sister, because it's better to have a least one of her family to talk to instead of none.
Love,
Mandee
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WOW!! i am so srry about wat happend!!
YOU DID THE RITE THING u would have regreted not loking for her and even if ur mom is wierd like that then i dunno wat to say about her. but you just found half of ur life if you no wat i am saying lol! you totally did the right thing! and good job finding her! WOW!! i mean even if she doesnt relize the love you have for her and how much you did for her then you have to prove it to her! you risked a lot in your life to find her and now that you did hold on to her for ever and everr!! wow i am proud of you!! omgg u are very lucky and even if ur mom has a problem explain to her wat this means to you!
HOPE I HELPED!!
~MICHELLE
p.s. srry if i didnt anwer ur question!! but wow i am gonna admire u forever~!
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