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Trying to help my father
I'm 18; my parents got divorced when I was 11, and I started having unsupervised visits to my dad's apartment when I was 13. I worry about my father - he takes his drugs and sees his psychologist and doctor, but the fact remains that he has bipolar disorder and very high blood pressure, and he refuses to try and help himself. He lives in a tiny, roach-infested apartment that smells horrendous, and he never cleans it. He eats red meat all the time, and never eats fresh vegetables. I've tried to talk to him about his diet and his living conditions many times, but he'll never listen, and if I ever try to help clean up the apartment he stops me, saying that there's no need for me to spend our limited time together doing chores. . . but our time together usually consists of watching TV, because he never goes anywhere. Do you have any idea how I can get through to him?
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He's your dad, and you’re his child and you always will be. You can't change him and you can't fix him.
You probably can’t even help him. He has been living this way for so long, he would have to want to change, and he obviously doesn’t.
The only think you can do, is change yourself.
So, let’s talk about what you can do to make YOU feel better about this situation:
Think of ways you can enjoy your time with your Dad more.
This might take some money on your part and some firm words, but you can make it happen.
Bring a board game or cards, invite him out to a movie or a diner, or bring groceries to cook for him. Let him know FIRMLY that these activities are your choice, not something you feel is a chore, but things you WANT to do WITH him. He might argue with chores, but he can't argue if you are firm about how you want use your time together.
Don’t make it your job to take care of him. Make it your job to enjoy your time with him by making the situation more pleasant for you.
You might also try laying down some ground rules now that you are old enough to do so.
If you are spending the night at his place it is perfectly fair to let him know that there is a basic standard that must be met or you simply can’t stay.
Pick really simple things like, the bathroom must be cleaned once a month and the garbage must be taken out before you arrive, or else you will not be able to stay with him.
If he makes an effort, be forgiving, but if he doesn’t even try to meet your very basic standards, enjoy a short visit with him, and then call for a ride or cab to take you home.
Don’t make this about saving him. Make it about clearly stating what you can, and can’t tolerate.
His life will probably never be what you would wish for him, but you can make your relationship and your life better by being proactive and firm about how you want to spend your time with him, and what you are willing to live with.
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I know that it must be hard to see your father living the way he is, but the truth is that you can not be responsible for him. He is an adult and an adult with a major mental illness which makes the situation even more complex and even moreso, not your responsibility. You are not the parent.
If you are truly miserable with the environment and unhappy with the activities at your Dad's, you could tell him so and inform him that things need to change if you're going to continue to visit him regularly. Be specific and be strong. It sounds harsh, but your feelings and needs are important too. You can make it clear to him that you love him and care about him and explain that the situation simply isn't healthy for you. Keep in mind though, that ultimately, it is up to your Dad to take the steps to bettering his surroundings and his life. Best of luck to you.
Kind wishes,
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I think a big aspect of it, like you said, is the fact that he has bipolar disorder. How long has he been acting/living like this? Is it a recent thing, or has it been happening since the divorce? Because it's possible that took a major toll on him emotionally, especially because of his condition. I know you said he doesn't listen, but maybe if you just sat him down and let him know how his behavior is affecting YOU, then maybe he'll start to listen. Let him know that it hurts you to see him live that way and jeopardize his health and put his life in danger. And when he stops you from cleaning up his apartment, let him know that because of the smell and the mess it's making it difficult for you to visit and enjoy your time there. He needs to know that you love him, and that's why its so hard for you to see him like that. And even if he doesn't want to go anywhere, try to get him to turn off the tv and spend some time instead talking to you about your life as well as his and anything else.
I really hope this helps and I hope the best for you and your father =)
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How old is you're father, sometimes age has alot to do on the way an elderly lives in strange way's seem's they loose interest on life fell they are lost and just live in the way of a fast way of living this world, it's something to think about on saying not to loose time on other thing's then injoying you're visit, belive me he is not alone, i know for a fact other elderly people that have strange way's of living, i took care of a old lady ounce, she was 98 years old and a millionare, she never wanted to change her gowns clean the house or clean any where in the kitchen, it was so bad there were spider webs from one side of the room to another, dirt was visable every where and she had old food on her gown and alover everwhere, evertime i would try to clean the house she would have a bad fit something so bad i would have to stop or she would have somekind of an attack, she would say dirt inside the house is clean dirt, dirt outside the house is dirty dirt, if it get's to bad sometimes it would be necessary to let the state handel the problem before he really hurts himself,they get adjusted seeing there is no other alternetive then to be looked after. Hope this helps you. Good luck.
HEALER
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