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Suicide
A good girlfriend of mine from college killed herself on Saturday after a fight she had with her fiance. She was never the kind of girl I would have ever guess to do this sort of thing. So when she called me that night I wasn't in the mood to go party (my boyfriend and I had had a huge fight)I ignored her call and turned off my phone. She called me four times, that night. Monday morning she was found dead. The police called me Monday afternoon, it is thier policy to investigate each death to be sure it is a suicide. They said that my number was the last one on her phone as a listed call.
I am devistated. I cannot face anyone. I resent my boyfriend because of his picking a stupid fight. I feel as though I really screwed up. I was not their for her and she reached out to me.
But my question is why me? Her and I were good friends in college but we had lost touch since she had been engaged we talked maybe every couple of weeks and only briefly. We're always saying that we needed to make plans but it never happened. She was always close to her mom and I am sure she had better friends than me, I know her best firend lived far away. But Mellisa was the kind of girl who always had tons of friends. Why out of all the people she could have called would she call me? I am always going to carry around this responsible feeling and it really is bringing me down. I just feel so powerless.
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Dear Powerless,
First off, let me say that I am sorry to hear about your loss. You have my deepest sympathy.
I understand that you feel guilty, but you are not feeling guilt over the fact that she killed herself. You are feeling guilty that you have not been in touch with her as you should have been. Chances are fairly good that you have been asking yourself why you didn't call her more often, why you didn't follow through on plans with her. The simple answer to these questions: Life gets in the way sometimes. Friends grow apart, and no matter how much you love them and care for them, sometimes it's hard to stay in contact and close.
I'm sure that she would understand why you didn't answer, and try not to carry it on your shoulders. I suggest that maybe you get some counseling about this. Talk to your general practioner, and they can suggest someone. It wouldn't hurt for you to have someone to talk to about this that would be objective.
As far as feeling resentment to your boyfriend, please try not to do that. Neither of you saw this coming, and I'm sure if his crystal ball said that a friend was going to desperately need you that night, he wouldn't have started a fight with you.
Try not to carry this too heavilly on your shoulders. Don't resent your boyfriend, and definately look into talking to someone.
I hope that you find the peace you seek.
~AlexiaJayn
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Sorry for your loss. What happened wasnt your fault at all. SHE decided to kill herself because SHE felt that SHE couldn't go on living life, not because you didn't answer the phone. Don't beat yourself up over this.
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Noone can say why she called you but her. She may have felt that you would understand what she may have been going through and that's what she was looking for. You could have also been the 5th or 15th person she called that night, we'll never know. I know you probably feel responsible. not for her death, but for "failing" to be there. That leaves you to think, " Maybe I could have done something. Maybe if.......she wouldn't be dead." I know the feeling and it's common. But, in my experience. If someone's going to commit suicide, they usually do. Others voice it, talk about it, bring it up, etc. so that someone can catch on and stop them. They don't really want to die. You said you never though she woud be the type. That tells me that she never brought it up, never mentioned it or even touched on the subject seriously enough to make you stop and wonder. So, that tells me, that there may not have been much that you could have done. She wanted to die. She probably saw that as her only out. It's not your fault. You couldn't, nor will you ever, be able to be "everything to everybody". I know your sadness. Experience it, move through it, and eventually, you'll move beyond it. What happend was a sad, sad tragedy, but sooooooooo not your responsibility. If you still want to talk about this further, just e mail me. I'll be more than happy to discuss it with you.
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Please don't feel guilty that she took her life. This situation is out of your hands. Maybe she considered you a real friend that is why she called you...but that is her fate. Keep in mind that is not your fault and it's okay to grieve for now but sooner or later you need to move on with your life and put this ugly situation behind.
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I'm so sorry. But, don't feel as though this is your fault. Because, it's not. Not at all.
Perhaps she was reaching out to you, because you weren't a part of her every day routine, and she felt as though she needed someone new and not in the picture to talk, to. You know, someone who could hear her thoughts and opinions that didn't know every detail and that wouldn't judge her? I don't know if that makes sense. And it seems as though she valued your friendship greatly if she kept wanting to get together. But, things change, and you grew apart. It was hard to keep in touch, and that's not your fault. And neither is her suicide. You had your own problems going on, and never would have imagined that she would do something like that. So, don't blame yourself. Just remember all the good times you had, and be greatful for knowing her.
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Oh my.. =(.. I'm really sorry about your friend. I almost lost a friend to suicide once. Anyway, just because you've lost touch doesn't mean your friend still doesn't care for you. I know how hard death is, my cousin recently passed away so it was hard on me. But you shouldn't blame yourself for screwing up, there's nothing you could have done. As for her calling you, I will quote my friend on this.. "The people you don't see the most often turn out to be the people you treasure the most". Don't feel responsible for her death, or you'll just stay stuck in a black hole. It might he hard on you, because a friendship is such a horrible thing to waste. I lost a good friend recently (we got in a fight). Don't make the same mistake I did.
"When someone is taken away from you suddenly, there are no goodbyes." -Charmed
Anyway, my condolences.
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:-( Im very soory about your friends death. Maybe she thought that you may have been the most dependable and would listen to what she would say. Look into yourself and the good qualitys that not most people have. Maybe thats what she needed.
-shay :-)
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